my breath.

New mission: have heartfelt conversations with new people every day. Every single day.

As for today? Three.

1. "Thank you for your help. You don't know how much you helped me." After tutoring a kid in a history class.
Something about this one really hits me. Maybe because I could see directly in his eyes that he appreciated that I came over when he didn't ask for help and just pushed him through it. He went from having nothing written and probably not going anywhere with a blank document to having a solid paragraph or two written in a matter of minutes. That's why I love tutors. Yeah it's a serious pain in the butt. Trust me. But when you really help someone, there's something so cool between you. I can't describe it. I really can't.

2. "I sing disney songs in my underwear when my classes get cancelled. I'm in college." mysterygoogle.
Yes I know. It seems lame. But I love how you can type in "send a secret to x number" and you get legitimate things. This one made me feel a little less alone in the world.

3. "how does it end!? glad it's happy" mysterygoogle.
It was a send a secret, and I thought I would get in on it. I told them that I knew how my life was going to end, and even though it was a happy thing, I was somewhat denying it. We had a good conversation about what that meant and everything. Just. Very deep for some reason.

It makes me feel amazing to find an immediate connection with these people I don't know, whether it's a personal conversation or a few casual texts. And I think it kinda teaches you something about connecting with the people you do know. So I'm going to work on this. Keep going with it. Keep finding something better in people.

my mind and all the things i wanted.

Sometimes all you need is inspiration via a numb tongue, disillusioned fantasy, and wounded core.

love like a sunset, pt. I

Do I have enough time to post a blog? Maybe. I have like five minutes before my dad comes over. My mom is out for the night and I'm stuck here, reviewing for a calc test and preparing for my league audition tomorrow.

I feel like a greedy little kid, however. I used to spend all my nights here, simply sitting and thinking and wishing and cranking out ap physics and studying and never having enough time somehow. But now I spend every last moment of my time doing something that's going to make a lasting impression, something different, something I'm proud of, something that I'm going to look back on in my down time and say "You know, that was a good call" and start laughing about it. I manage to keep my feet moving at all times. There is never a moment where I can honestly say that I have nothing to do. If it isn't hours of homework to whip through, it's a group project starting at Starbucks and ending on youtube. It's a lunch date that starts at breadco and eats in the Barbie aisle, hitting the turtle tanks somewhere in between. It's a night out with my best friend, starting with dinner, ending with a full blown screaming match to the tune of anything by The Killers, and somewhere in there we wandered about aimlessly in the dark trying to understand how things worked. It's a night staying in, cuddled under the covers with a mug of hot chocolate, thinking about someone I love, reading the book I've bee meaning to get around to for months and finally feeling accomplished. There's something always, always.

And the thing is that it's always been like that. There's something always. There always has been. You just have to see it that way. You just have to say "Okay, this is what this moment defines". I'm not defined by my Ed Hardy shoes or my Starbucks habit. I sit back and think about all of the times I have done nothing and thought "I am so bored. I hate my life. This is what it has become. Who I have become," and I realize, I am not a byproduct of what is happening; I am the creator of what becomes of those precious moments. You make something out of it. You say "Okay there's something that comes out of that," whether it's you got to think about life, you got to think about yourself, or you just got to take a nap and wake up refreshed and ready to go, there is SOMETHING there. I guess it's taken me some time to figure that one out. But now that I have, I feel a lot better about everything.

Not that I have much to complain about right now. My family situation is a mess at best, but I have little control over that, and I'm doing what I can. I've recently been reassured of the amazing quality of friends I have. I have people who care about me like I'm all that matters in their world. But really what does it come down to? Me. Knowing that I'm okay, that I know what's going on, that I can go forward alone if I have to. Not having to is just the icing on the cake, ya know?