a different kind.

I told you to be patient.
And I told you to be fine.
I told you to be balanced.
And I told you to be kind.
Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

Sometimes we just have to let go. Nothing we do is going to work, and yet we keep trying. We're killing ourselves for something we can't even reach. And you sit down, weeping into your palms. And you let go. There's a massive amount of strength required, the fine art of abandonment. It's beautiful, you know? Letting go. Kissing your dreams adieu, because really, why are we even trying? It's silly. Let's not waste our time, because who cares? Je m'en fiche and you shouldn't either.

You let go and you move on. You settle on something realistic. What you have. What you possess. In your ill-proportioned hands. Such great means, such tiny ways. We think that everything we do matters. The weight of the world rests on this research paper. This dissertation. This presentation. The formatting of the cover page to a report no one will ever give a flying crap about. The final exam in a class that is irrelevant to the major you will study in order to obtain a degree that says nothing and will never be used.

Let's be crazy and just make enough money to get by on macaroni and own a few Gucci purses because we want to. Our boyfriends will buy us diamond rings when we're young because they're beautiful, not because they mean anything. They don't mean anything. They're becautiful. And so are we. Do you see what we mean?

Act. Because planning for it and taking all the right steps and making all the right moves are going to give you the wrong combination of everything. You aren't living life, you're giving in to the standards. I don't want standards. I want lines drawn that I can leap across. I will not feel remorse.

up all night.

Stress. It will eat away at you like the maggot it is. But then you sit in bed, drinking chocolate milk and eating a cupcake, talking to that one person that gets you, listening to your song--you know. That song. That song that you and your best friend heard on the radio that one night when you were beyond dilerious, dancing to everything, and you both looked up and went, "OH MY GOD, THIS IS OUR SONG". And from that night on, every time you see them, you think, "Our song. That's our song playing in my head".

And what's the problem with that? / I got no problem with that.

And everything melts away. Like it was meant to in the first place. We resort back to our primal states, watching youtube clips of The Upside Down Show and just sleeping. We eat food and we drink things other than coffee because really, we don't need it today, darling. We don't yell at our little sisters because, in actuality, their ungodly high pitched giggling is not annoying, but rather adorable. Probably the most adorable thing we've ever heard in our lives. We buy Christmas presents and we don't worry about going broke because the people we're giving to, we love them with everything we have. We'll make more money doing something we hate later in life. We're too young.

And if I breathe in for you / can your heart shine through? / your only pain is to feel none at all / you take away my oxygen

And then we move on with our lives, renewed in our sense of importance and the lack thereof we basely desire. Things don't matter and we're okay with that. We're more than okay with that. We're happy and we dance. We dance. We dance. We see each other through our own afflicted eyes. We've cried the same tears and really, what's the difference? When you talk, your voice reaches octaves below mine, but we never asked for that. We never asked for this. We dance. It comes together in something real, something beautiful, something not of this world and it feels good. It feels good because we feel good. The synergy is so apparent, so choking, and we are free and light. We dance. Together.

Is there anything I can do for you dear? / is there anyone i can call? / no and thank you please madame / i ain't lost just wandering

Sometimes I see you and I think that I could not be any happier with anything I've worked for in my life. Sometimes I see you and I weep because I know that I cannot have what I want. Sometimes I sit and whisper to myself that I wish you would dance with me, just one time, when nobody is watching, and it would just be you, and me, together, dancing.

my breath.

New mission: have heartfelt conversations with new people every day. Every single day.

As for today? Three.

1. "Thank you for your help. You don't know how much you helped me." After tutoring a kid in a history class.
Something about this one really hits me. Maybe because I could see directly in his eyes that he appreciated that I came over when he didn't ask for help and just pushed him through it. He went from having nothing written and probably not going anywhere with a blank document to having a solid paragraph or two written in a matter of minutes. That's why I love tutors. Yeah it's a serious pain in the butt. Trust me. But when you really help someone, there's something so cool between you. I can't describe it. I really can't.

2. "I sing disney songs in my underwear when my classes get cancelled. I'm in college." mysterygoogle.
Yes I know. It seems lame. But I love how you can type in "send a secret to x number" and you get legitimate things. This one made me feel a little less alone in the world.

3. "how does it end!? glad it's happy" mysterygoogle.
It was a send a secret, and I thought I would get in on it. I told them that I knew how my life was going to end, and even though it was a happy thing, I was somewhat denying it. We had a good conversation about what that meant and everything. Just. Very deep for some reason.

It makes me feel amazing to find an immediate connection with these people I don't know, whether it's a personal conversation or a few casual texts. And I think it kinda teaches you something about connecting with the people you do know. So I'm going to work on this. Keep going with it. Keep finding something better in people.

my mind and all the things i wanted.

Sometimes all you need is inspiration via a numb tongue, disillusioned fantasy, and wounded core.

love like a sunset, pt. I

Do I have enough time to post a blog? Maybe. I have like five minutes before my dad comes over. My mom is out for the night and I'm stuck here, reviewing for a calc test and preparing for my league audition tomorrow.

I feel like a greedy little kid, however. I used to spend all my nights here, simply sitting and thinking and wishing and cranking out ap physics and studying and never having enough time somehow. But now I spend every last moment of my time doing something that's going to make a lasting impression, something different, something I'm proud of, something that I'm going to look back on in my down time and say "You know, that was a good call" and start laughing about it. I manage to keep my feet moving at all times. There is never a moment where I can honestly say that I have nothing to do. If it isn't hours of homework to whip through, it's a group project starting at Starbucks and ending on youtube. It's a lunch date that starts at breadco and eats in the Barbie aisle, hitting the turtle tanks somewhere in between. It's a night out with my best friend, starting with dinner, ending with a full blown screaming match to the tune of anything by The Killers, and somewhere in there we wandered about aimlessly in the dark trying to understand how things worked. It's a night staying in, cuddled under the covers with a mug of hot chocolate, thinking about someone I love, reading the book I've bee meaning to get around to for months and finally feeling accomplished. There's something always, always.

And the thing is that it's always been like that. There's something always. There always has been. You just have to see it that way. You just have to say "Okay, this is what this moment defines". I'm not defined by my Ed Hardy shoes or my Starbucks habit. I sit back and think about all of the times I have done nothing and thought "I am so bored. I hate my life. This is what it has become. Who I have become," and I realize, I am not a byproduct of what is happening; I am the creator of what becomes of those precious moments. You make something out of it. You say "Okay there's something that comes out of that," whether it's you got to think about life, you got to think about yourself, or you just got to take a nap and wake up refreshed and ready to go, there is SOMETHING there. I guess it's taken me some time to figure that one out. But now that I have, I feel a lot better about everything.

Not that I have much to complain about right now. My family situation is a mess at best, but I have little control over that, and I'm doing what I can. I've recently been reassured of the amazing quality of friends I have. I have people who care about me like I'm all that matters in their world. But really what does it come down to? Me. Knowing that I'm okay, that I know what's going on, that I can go forward alone if I have to. Not having to is just the icing on the cake, ya know?

you don't hold a candle.

"How fatalistic of you." Thanks. I appreciate that. There is an end and you don't get to decide it. There is a journey and only you can navigate it. Someone else chooses your destination; no one else determines your passage to getting there. Regardless, our end is not our own but someone else's, someone who may be generous, or someone who may want to play the omnipotence to the fullest disgrace they could. It isn't even your call. You have no control over your ends. But your means are all yours, only yours. So for everything you're worth, take hold of what you can. Do something with what you're given: the freedom to choose before the end.

look outside the raincoats coming.

Wow I am really tired. Just thought I'd share that to start things off.



"can you stop? / me i'm not / can you stop? / come on me i'm not / please"



So I'm kind of mid-revelation, if you'd like to label it that way. Which I would, actually. So there you go. Basically I'm just kind of drifting because I have hit the point where I am fully aware that none of this matters. The life I am building for myself is only dependent upon myself. The friends I have or don't have are going to fade for the most part. This isn't meant to offend anyone, but let's be realistic. I plan on going to a school out east, whether that happens to be within this country or not. Chances are, I'm not going to know anyone going in, and the kicker is that once I have my degree, I'm not coming back here, or to St. Louis, or anywhere I've previously been. I'll be out, going, doing. Therefore I have been putting all of my energies into building a prosperous future for myself: marching band for the application; four AP classes and more slated for next year for my GPA, application, and general knowledge so I don't make a fool of myself; things like writing tutors also for my application. I research the things I want to study so that I have a clear picture of what my life will become once I achieve what I am striving for at present. I know where I'm going. The most frustrating part is not being able to get there. Each day drags on and on. But the worst part is that the things I am forsaking now for the ease of the future are now driving me crazy. It's difficult not really focusing on your social life when you're burnt out on a Friday night, sitting alone at home, knowing that you can't make plans because there's no one who would want to hang out with you. For lack of a better term, it sucks.



"i can't keep counting on irrelevant friends / if everybody knows how it's gonna end / why doesn't someone stop me?"



I feel alone. Some days I feel alone because I need to feel that way. I figure it will make my life easier. Sometimes it is just better to keep a distance. Other days I know that I am alone because people don't like me. I can be a harsh, critical, pessimistic person that people don't like to be around. I explain this by saying that most people just don't understand me (nor do they take the time to do so), and really this gets me back to why I don't try with a lot of people: the people I will meet in the future will actually want to get to understand me because they will not be sixteen and seventeen year old drama leeches. So why bother? Why waste who I am on people who don't get it already, or won't put it to good use over time?

"eyes burning away to me / overwhelm / destroying so sweetly"

High school is the epic demise of your life. Stop pretending that it means something. All it does is allow you to abuse your potential and see people for what they can allow themselves to become in a disgustingly appropriate fashion. You are something above this. You mean more. Please darling don't fall because your standards are independent of the mockery of a life those around you are leading. And oh don't you see it, the beautiful colors you're mixing for tomorrow. Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow we will paint and we will paint and we will paint.

"i just want i just want love / something / something for nothing / yeah something / something for nothing / i'm a beggar and a chooser / i'm a accused / an accuser / but nothing's unconditional"

& it feels so good.

Okay. First off. I love this new layout. It's cute. And somehow it seems like it legitimately (note proper use of the adverbial form of LEGIT/LEGITIMATE) reflects a change in who you actually are. Leah and I talked about this earlier. So don't scoff. Embrace it.


"need i say i love you / need i say i care / need i say that emotions / are something we don't share?"




So many things have been going on. Let's see. Basically I've realized that going back isn't always such a bad thing. I've restored things with an old friend and I am very excited about that. Like. REAL excited. Cause he's such a great guy. I've also come to the conclusion that I am fully settled and I have a definitive best friend and she makes my day every day. I've forgotten what that's like, having that one friend (not a boyfriend, though, or anything impermanent) that you always meet before your first class, or wait for at lunch before going to get settled where you sit every day, or cram for important tests with because you both kinda forgot the night before. It gives you a feeling of... Well, of a constant force pushing for ya, no matter what. It makes you happy and it's the most fantastic thing ever.



So I was writing this the other day and SO MUCH has happened since then. Okay BASICALLY I'm going to Homecoming with aforementioned great guy. And I have these absolutely gnarly burns all over myself from an alpine slide accident. And they really hurt. My sister and I were going down, having a good time or whatever (she's seven, she thought it was the coolest thing ever, so I naturally did too) and we hit a turn too fast, our balance was off with both of us on, we bailed but the sled dragged us down the concrete, and I yanked my sister on top of me so she wouldn't loose some teeth or anything and lost some serious skin in the process. Owwwww. But it's cool. I have war scars(:

Okay I've left this blog like eighteen times so I'm just going to post it how it is and try again tomorrow when I'm less scatterbrained. Woo hoo.

she says she has no time.

So school has pushed me past my acceptable limits. I am so stressed that every short conversation with my family has become a snapping match. Without a thermos full of coffee Thursday morning, I literally could not function until fourth period. Black and white have faded to grey. It's a disaster. I have no time for anything. I do not sleep. I hardly eat. I am in constant physical pain from sunburn and lack of sleep and dehydration.

"love / like the summer of 69 / move / like we're alone we're alone we're alone in the sea"

But really. I'm very happy. Things are weird and they hurt a little bit and I don't understand them but it all turns out in the end.

"now we're getting on fire / matchsticks in our eyes"

People from my past keep coming back to me. I don't understand it but it's really... It's bizarre. It's like some sort of sign. I don't know. It just seems to me that I don't need to go looking far for what I need. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I've been that way a lot lately. Just don't know what I'm thinking. Here's what I have to say however. This too shall pass. Like. I hate to word things this way, but GET OVER IT. It's harsh but it's real and it's true and it wouldn't hit a nerve if it didn't mean something. I have to tell myself all the time to just shut up and get over it. Think about it. Every time something has broken your heart, shattered your dreams, or made your day just SUCK, what happened? Every time, it was countered. Maybe not directly by a particular action, no. But maybe by time. Yes. We will always be healed. This is I can guarantee. It may take more time than you think is appropriate or that you can handle. But you can do it. I have faith in you, darling. You'll pull through. Take one in the teeth and just wait. Sit down, grab Newsweek and examine the dumb far-side commentary. Please.

"i won't walk away"

Whatever you do, don't make decisions until you're in a position of at least partial healing. Please. I pray that you don't follow my indentation of pain. Don't let go. Hold on tighter. You'll regret it darling, I swear by it as I wake up every morning to the sound of the song that chokes me up and tears me apart. So be good. Soyez sage! Je vous aimez(:

back & forth.

Well here I am again. I should be doing APUSH but I'm not. Well. Whatev. Who really cares? I'll just cram it in tomorrow.

I've had a rough week. Here are the major points.

• Justin dumped me. If you didn't already know, now you do.
• Grandparents drove up from Missouri. Yayy. I love my grandparents(:
• Lot of band. Lot of homework.
• So far I've been asked out by two guys and I seriously want nothing to do with the rest of the world except for like Keegan so it's just a mess.
• I have a lot of *NSync and Backstreet Boys from Haley cause she's amazing(:

That's it. So in case you needed a checklist of my life, you now have it. I'm heartbroken and trying to repair but everyday I have rip my wound open a little more. There it is.

this is all i see.

I feel like I've neglected to blog lately mostly because I have. There's been a lot going on but at the same time, hardly anything,. I've been the happiest I've been and I've had some epic downers. I feel stability riding underfoot right before it crumbles beneath my weight. I try talking to people who don't understand only to realize that I don't understand, either. But we've been here before, have we not? Sometimes I think that I'm not meant to be understood, because if I were, there would have been some sort of inkling in that direction by now. But maybe I expect too much.

"it's just the one that i had / it's just the one for me tonight / it's just the two of us here / it's just the two of us now / and we can talk about it all"

The run-down goes something like this. I'm ridiculously stressed because of my classes (my schedule is like death), band, family problems, and the increasingly difficult nature of maintaining my relationships. I hit my breaking point Thursday night, ignored it because I absolutely had to finish my homework, passed out, and last night hit the same wall but couldn't ignore how I felt. I was a disaster. I guess I felt better after watching a movie over at Justin's, but I really just needed some sleep. My current lack of sleep has been an absolute disaster as far as I'm concerned. It's seriously not okay anymore. I'm cracking up. And no, that is not meant in a good way. There is so much stress and negative energy coming down on me and I don't really know how to handle it yet. I'm still in transfer-mode from summer and here we go, Day One, four AP classes plus the French ordeal and band. Not to mention tutors has me in the door for first period three days a week. What is going on. This is a mess. I don't even know what to do or say about it. I just want to sleep and eat. Keep myself alive. But that isn't exactly what I have the time to do at this point.

"little girl yeah / don't have to tell you it's the hardest part"

Also, because of band, I can't go to the Franz Ferdinand concert tonight. THANKS, BRANDON AND HINMAN. Just thought I'd get that out. Because I've only been looking for ward to it for like. three or four months. Ya know. No big.

"there's no way he could win / just had to take it on the chin"

I feel like I'm just kind of floundering. I don't want to tread and spit. I want to make a lap pool out of the ocean. I want to take the world by its stupid head and shake it around and tell it to behave and cut the crap. I'm still working on it. Let me get back to you on that.

uh.

Seriously. What is wrong with me? Everything's pretty much going fine and now tonight when i was supposed to hang out with Justin and things just didn't work out, I'm flipping out. It's completely ridiculous. I handled the big things this week, and I can't even keep it down from this one small thing? I don't understand myself

drivin me under.

First off, I haven't blogged in about eighteen years. Second off, things in my life have changed so drastically over the past week or whatever that this is going to be a very briefly detailed blog simply because I don't have the patience to talk about things in detail. Here we go.

"i'm hard to replace as you cry your evil eyes out"

My parents are separating. Wow. Isn't that fun. I'm just worried about my sisters. My feelings are superfluous at this point. In the two solid hours I spent talking with Justin about what happened today, the conversation was entirely centered on my sisters, and how I was going to get them through this.

"bones sinkin like stones / all that we fought for"

I'm finally stable. Seriously. I found my balance point this week. Way to go and screw things up, Mom & Dad. Really appreciate it.

"let's pretend we don't exist / let's pretend we're in antarctica"

I don't know when I'm going to finish writing something that means something. It just can't happen when things like this steal my attention.

is this the feeling i need to walk with?

Yeahh, that was Backstreet Boys, in case you were wondering. There is NOTHING wrong with boy bands from back when we were like ten. Seriously.

"i've seen this one too many times"

I haven't blogged in forever for a few reasons. Mostly I've been cooped up doing homework for APLit & APUSH. But aside from that, band has consumed my life. I can't hardly walk & my shoulders absolutely kill. I'm sunburnt beyond recognition and my nerves are shot from freshmen, underclassmen, upperclassmen, leadership, entitled beneficiaries, prostaff and admin. I almost fell asleep at 6.30 tonight. People try talking to me and I just sort of ignore them. I'm irritable and quite honestly, I don't have the patience or 'intestinal fortitude' that it would require for me to deal with ninety percent of the crap going on in my life. So this has led to a semi-revelation. I'm eliminating all of the complicated things. I'm tired of using the excuse "it's complicated". That's a cop-out if I've ever seen one. I'm not going to be that person anymore. I'm going to be the girl who lives for the few things in her life that really matter.

"please come and stay with me / i don't what to do / if once more i lose you / it would tear me in two"

I recently went back to church for the first time in a long time. I met up with God halfway. That's all I had to do. I feel so relieved of all that was plaguing me, like all of those weights have been carried off into the distance. The things that put me ill at ease at night in bed no longer haunt me. I am free to be the person I know I can and should be, without the restraints I had to fight previously. I feel light and refreshed. There is not a better feeling in the world. And it only comes from Him.

"every little thing i do / never seems enough for you / you don't want to lose it again / but i'm not like them"

'NSync came on too. What do you know. It's my lucky day. Seriously. So many things have gone RIGHT today, that the small things that have gone wrong are superfluous. Really.

"lighting the fuse might result with a bang with a bang go"

Go fall in love. It changes your world.

As a side-note, for those of you who know the situation, I am telling the boy back home to take a hike.

only you will do.

Well. Here we go. I'm ready to do this. I'm ready to sign my life off to something I love, ready to take the fall whether I'm caught or not. And then you question my intentions and means. Well. That means a lot. Thank you. I know you're going to pull your head out of your butt but could you please speed the process so I can just put a band-aid over the hole in my heart and get over it?

"i am finally seeing that i was the one worth leaving"

I've been extremely productive the past few days. I'm actually really proud of myself for that. I completely finished the assignment for Invisible Man and read The Scarlet Letter and am currently working on the LRF for that, as well as reading Catch-22. I've become an extremely target-oriented person, to the point that I do the things I hate as soon as possible simply because I know that the faster I do them, the less time I have to think about them. It has changed my life in a fantastic way. I'm actually accomplishing things. Also, I have time for more exciting things. Like coffee with Ace in the morning. And who wouldn't love that?

"you pray your dreams will leave you here / but still you wake and know the truth / no one's there"

I feel like a new person. The butterfly shedding her cocoon. I hate that metaphor. It's so... Beyond cliche. The point is, I'm the same Danielle I've always been. I'm just doing some seriously fast-paced morphing at present. It seems that each day I'm coming a little more into my own. I'm letting go, living without fear, and dragging them all down with me. I love it. Without a doubt, I have a passion for the person I can be at my best, and a passion to alter the person I am when I'm not at my best. I've come to realize that there's something to strive for every day. There is always something to look to for inspiration, whether it's God, whether it's your muse, whether it's your ideal of life, the love of your life, preservation of your life. Always, something to see on the horizon, running and running until your legs are not your own and you question when you acquired this ethereal strength. That strength is growth. It is evolution. It is strife, pain, fear, love, death, preservation. When you hurt and you hurt and you die and then you pull through, that's your life changing. That's you, taking what's yours, not taking no for an answer, and fighting for yourself. Because in the end, we are all we have to fight for. You don't own your boyfriend. You don't own your Pomeranian liability. You don't own your job, your Chanel sunglasses, or your respectable wardrobe. They own you until you break out and define yourself apart. You spend your whole life fighting for someone else, or what you own, or who you associate with, or the words of a dead burnout, and you've wasted everything you've given yourself and been given by someone better. There are no guarantees anymore. You've lost those with your repose at the beginning of this introspect. All you have is yourself to strive for. Beat yourself up, and get through. You are the only variable that can be controlled. Fix what's wrong with you. Get over yourself. Get over your pains. Get over your vanity and your possessions and your worries and fears and priorities and get a grip. You're wasting away everything you're allowed to have by outsourcing your happiness and control.

"don't you get it don't you get it don't you get it no don't you move"

Improve yourself. It's the only thing you can count on in the end. Your clothes will fall from style, your dog will contract rabies, your boyfriend will leave you, and your PotteryBarn perfect living room will catch on fire in a horrific freak accident when you're on a business trip. What's left?

turn me off.

I will start by saying that I am so proud of you that I can't even believe it. The person you were three years ago when we started this thing together is still there. I can see him in your eyes when they laugh and I can feel him in your arms around me and hear him in your voice when you call me to tell me everything's going to be okay. And yet you're not the same you you used to be by a longshot. You've grown miles in Homer's footsteps and I could never ask for more than the warmth you radiate from a distance unimaginably cold. I miss you with every fibre of my being and yet I feel you flowing through my veins, powering my every movement. There will never be enough words, enough late night talking purges with me in the closet whispering about your falsified fears, enough eyelash wishes to show you what you mean to me, and how much I need you around just to keep me running.

"come down now they'll say / but everything looks perfect from far away / come down now but we'll stay"

With that being said, hello "home." The more I do this going back and forth business, the more I realize that this is not my home. Nor is St. Louis. Or Florida or Massachusetts or California or Nantucket. It's this feeling I know how to find but can rarely do. But I'm working on it. I'm working towards it more often and with more ease. I can't explain it, but I feel like I am charged and ready to hit the world now. Mostly because I have the ammunition I need to get through. I feel like I need to go beat something up. Not because I'm upset, but because I could, and I have something to prove but not really. Mostly not. Why? Because who the heck do I need to impress? No one. I don't care what they think anymore, whoever THEY are. THEY can go smoke a popsicle stick for all I care. Seriously. Go do it.

"i wanna be the place you call home"

Anyhow. I love everybody and they hardly love me the same way but that's just fine. When has that stopped me before? HEY. It hasn't. Whaddaya know.

use this chance to be heard.

I haven't actually blogged in quite a while, save my bit about Michael Jackson. I guess the thing is that I've actually been living life instead of staring at it on a screen. I've come to realize that Facebook is stupid, texting is practically annoying, and the only way to really understand someone is to sit down and talk with them. Seriously. I'm over this whole virtual craphole. Please and thank you. So instead I hang out with my friends and go and do things and maybe even accomplish something every once in a while.

"i'm in a crisis / i need help / come on mood shift shift back to good again / come on be a friend"

Things are going pretty well. They're evening out, above all else. I'm making progress on my summer assignments (although admittedly I REALLY need to start hauling on that crap), personal things with friends and otherwise are going pretty well, and I'm getting another escape from Parker on Tuesday. We're driving to mid-Missouri to see a bunch of family for the holiday, and Thursday I get to see my lovely Lindsay. It's amazing how I miss her already after having just spent a whole week with her. As for today, I have a whole lsit of things to get done, and I'll feel much better if I actually get something done. So I'm going to leave this mess of technological disadvancement behind and go scrub a toilet.

"batting a thousand / but a homerun crack at love"

excuse me.

Okay, this isn't your average Danielle out of the average blog. I have something I need to say, and if I don't just write it out now, I'm going to explode on the next stupid person who offends me.

I don't care what you think. There was a reason that Michael Jackson was not sent to jail for child molestation or whatever else that business was about. That reason was in no way shape or form tied to the amount of money he has or his personal connections, either, before some moron tries to use that excuse. If you think that the American justice system failed in that court case, you would be making a lot heavier accusations than you could ever realize or handle. So stop it. Michael Jackson was not a RAPIST, butthead.

Also, whether you liked his music or not, agreed with his personal life choices or not, or thought his plastic surgery was an enhancement or detractment, I don't give a flying crap. The man was an American icon. Beyond his music touching the world in a way that it had not done since the likes of Elvis and The Beatles, he is a prime example of what America actually stands for: a rich diversity in cultural and personal decisions, that we are free to make on our own, and if you can't see past that, then shame on you. No one could ever claim to understand the life he lived because not one of you grew up in the spotlight and yet were degraded for something you couldn't change--yet when he did attempt to fit in the standard of physical beauty, he was scorned. This world was not for Michael Jackson. And so while I am deeply saddened by his untimely departure and for the uncertain future of his three darling children, I am comforted to know that he is in a place designed for him.

I don't care who the hell you are or think you are, Michael Jackson was an artist and innovator. The crappy music you listen to wouldn't even be around without his legacy. So get over the fact that you're wrong about the personal attacks you've slung in a moment of retardation, and give respect where respect is due.

we drop down dead.

Things are looking up in a variety of ways. Band went real well today and I don't see any problems presenting themselves further in the season. I'm getting my hair done tomorrow and I've wanted to for SUCH a long time. Justin has things to tell me after I give him his blueoctober brownies. I'm optimistic about things now and letting go of those things that have been weighing me down lately. Summer has become a learning experience for me.

"when the stars are look the same / don't feel the cold or wind or rain / everything will be okay / and we will meet again one day / and i will shine on for everyone / shine one for everyone"

BEING HAPPY IS GOOD. Try it some time.

inspire me.

So far, these are the ideas I have for the quoted/inspired summer list Keegan and I are working on together...

1. Have a day where alllllll I do is watch movies. And eat. Possibly pee. Couch Potato - Weird Al
2. Take LOTS of model-esque photos, &
3. Jump out a window. I'm Not Okay - My Chemical Romance
4. Count ceiling tiles in a HUGE room. Or all the ones in an office building. Happiness is Overrated - Airborne Toxic Event
5. Check tire pressure, &
6. Clean oven. Everything Is Alright - Motion City Soundtrack
7. Go to a petting zoo. Still Take You Home - Arctic Monkeys
8. Use audio/aural ammunition, &
9. Do the evil Joe Strummer laugh as many times as possible in one day. This Is Radio Clash - The Clash
10. Go trick-or-treating. In July. Masquerade - Andrew Lloyd Webber
11. Recreate the First Day of My Life video by Bright Eyes.
12. Shoot a reenactment of The Shining, &
13. Build a fort in the woods. Jeremy Fraser - Franz Ferdinand
14. Make & wear sweet headdresses. Headdress - Amazing Baby
15. Learn how to hand-jive. Born to Hand Jive - Sha-Na-Na
16. Sing karaoke. Often. It's My Life - Bon Jovi
17. Go to a thrift store. Indie Rock n Roll -The Killers
18. Go to the opera. Van Tango - Franz Ferdinand
19. Play with a parachute - Faberge Falls for Shuggie - of Montreal
20. Make (and/or become) a scarecrow. Scarecrow - Beck
21. Smash up terrible cds. Kill Rock n Roll - System of a Down
22. Unravel an ugly sweat, possibly bought at aforementioned thrift shop. Undone (Sweater Song) - Weezer
23. Write a random but totally awesome song on the spot. A Song to Pass the Time - Bright Eyes
24. Learn a tribal dance. In costume. Love Lockdown - Kanye West
25. Film a war reenactment. Think Platoon. The Ghost of You - My Chemical Romance
26. Build a small city. Light on fire. Repeat. This Fire - Franz Ferdinand
27. Live in backwards slo-mo as long as possible. The Scientist - Coldplay
28. Ride LOTS of elevators. Stuck in a Glass Elevator - Myriad
29. Take pictures by the pool. Beverly Hills - Weezer
30. Go on a gas station shopping spree. Strange Things Are Afoot at the Circle K - The Victim Of
31. Stand/sit as close to random people as possible. Don't Stand So Close To Me - The Police
32. Write a polka. Angry White Boy Polka - Weird Al
33. Learn phrases in a new language that pretty much no one speaks. A New Language - Myriad
34. Learn to cook. Hedonistic Me - Born Ruffians
35. Become a neon tiger. Neon Tiger - The Killers
36. Drive a Chevy to the levee, &
37. Find some pink carnations. American Pie - Don McLean
38. Dress and do hair like an Asian greaser. Nothing to Worry About - Peter Bjorn and John
39. Act like we're straight out of Clockwork Orange (members of Alex's droog posse haha). Ulysses - Franz Ferdinand
40. Have puppets speak for us for a day. Evil - Interpol
41. Tell all my friends how much I love them. My Friends - Red Hot Chili Peppers
42. Look like Dee Snyder,
43. Rock!!!, &
44. Fight EVERYTHING. We're Not Gonna Take It - Twisted Sister
45. Catch Grease at least five times on TV. Grease - Frankie Valli
46. Take ten for EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING. Kiss Off - Violent Femmes
47. Find a positive for every negative ever. Dashboard - Modest Mouse
48. Find my reflection in the stereo. Sweet Troubled Soul - stellastarr*
49. Learn a song in another language. Tell Her Tonight - Franz Ferdinand
50. Ride a train. Wishing Well - Airborne Toxic Event
51. "I'm not lost, just wandering." Hometown Glory - Adele
52. Write our own version os popcorn since everyone else has already. Popcorn
53. Get & use dancing shoes. Dancing Shoes - Arctic Monkeys
54. Make things out of jelly. Jellybones - The Unicorns
55. Call a cab. Mr. Brightside - The Killers
56. Bury something six feet under. Self-taught Learner - Lissy Trullie
57. Go to a fleamarket. Born in a Fleamarket - stellastarr*
58. See the lights from a rooftop. Anthem of Our Dying Day - Story of the Year
59. Walk with a ghost. Walking With a Ghost - Tegan & Sara
60. Act like Bukowski. Bukowski - Modest Mouse
61. Write said song. I Will Never Write an Obligatory Song About Being on the Road and Missing Someone - Say Anything
62. Make someone's head explode from talking. If You Talk Too Much (My Head Will Explode) - People In Planes
63. Directly contradict everything everyone says for a day. That's All - Genesis
64. Be hung up to dry. Hang Me Up to Dry - Cold War Kids
65. Sit in a boggy marsh. Lump - The Presidents of the United States
66. Feed the ground. Fly Trapped in a Jar - Modest Mouse
67. Do pretty much everything in the song. Ur So Gay - Katy Perry

& i've been planning something big.

Today was just flatout interesting. I woke up from my standard nightmare. I scored an out for a fourth grade kickball team. I gave the host at an Italian restaurant a dirty look for looking at for me one second too long. I learned how to organize a shrimp boil and how much a bouncy castle costs to rent. I made plans to go back home for the holiday in a couple weeks. I made my pic on twitter green.

"now the blow's been softened cause we are our own damn coffin / well / everybody's talkin bout their short list / everybody's talking bout their--"

I'm getting pretty excited about life again. If only I could hold onto this feeling. It's like that book. Um. About the red balloon, yeah? We read it in Spectra back in the day, and then saw a play about it and honestly it was kind of stupid but here's the point: If you were to equate happiness with some balloon that you have to hold on to, I would have the retarded, defected balloon. Seriously. Because not only do I have to hold on to it, but once I let go, it sticks around. It's like the moment I decide I can't hold on any longer, or just slip in my stance, the dumb thing loses pressure, always staying just within my grasp. And yes, I am aware of how stupid this sounds. Kay? But it kind of makes sense.

"love is all you need / she loves you yeah yeah yeah"

My goal is to crank out a piece tonight. Cause it's really all up there in my brain. I swear. Over the past month or so, I've collected enough experiences and random bits to work with quite indefinitely. So I'm gonna put that pen to paper and change the course of my present, therefore polishing my future, and dulling my past. It's something to be thankful for, a way to erase the pain & supficialities of the life we're currently leading. Seriously. For all of my talk about the life I want to lead, what am I doing to jumpstart my transition from upper caste-victim to that higher ideal I have set for myself? Nothing. Well, not nothing, but easily not enough. For all we talk about wanting to change our lives and how disgusted we are with where we are, as a whole, we do extremely little to actually alter our position. Why? Mostly because we like to say that we're so bored of our lives, and that we're being held back by our surroundings (location and otherwise), to have something else to blame. Because if we were truly to take our lives into our own hands, we would be great. We could do things. We could go places, and be contented with the decisions we make. But instead we chooce to leave life as the easy scapegoat. And you know what? I'm sick of it, and done with it.

"you said that night that we might run away / and yes we'll end up in some better place / and once we'd gone there'd be no coming back"

I'm taking the plunge. Back down the rabbithole for Danielle. Maybe the fear of rejection pushed me out. Maybe rejection itself pushed me out. But I'm going back and there is nothing that a single one of you can do about it.

"i can't pretend i need to defend some part of me from you / i know i've spent some time all lying"

Welcome back to Wonderland, darling. We've missed you, and don't you lie and say you haven't missed this part of yourself. You knew it all along. We are only your figments of hope and success. Continue on, lonely daughter; we hold nothing for you but yourself. Continue on, hopeless sprite; this life is dead for you, and will be forevermore. So go die a death more articulate. Dance swiftly into the coffin of your own beautiful repose.

"here i've been lucid / i'm living within / inwardly urgent / i'm sinking again / the lighthouse"

Will you be missed?

i think i'm sick but i might be well.

So I've been feeling pretty sick all day long. I actually couldn't finish the class I was taking at the gym this morning. I totally pansied out, and I'm not very happy about that.

"that silence isn't fooling anyone"

I've been having this conversatoin with a certain Jones that has gotten to be quite interesting. Basically, the only reason I even contacted him after my trip to STL was to pester him and make him feel lousy for making me so mad whilst at Six Flags that one day. This, however, has transformed into a highly informative talk about live, perception, and fears. I'm not the only one whose greatest fear is to be alone. In fact, there are more people who share that concern than I could possibly know, I've come to realize over the past while. Maybe those people who are afraid of being alone just need to come together. Because they have the same priorities. And I think that we look at things differently, honestly. We see things from a tainted viewpoint. Life is more about preservation and maintenance than curing the strife.

"every little thing she does is magic"

I'm actually real sad right now, for no particular reason I guess. But I'm working through it and really just trying to see things as rationally as possible. You should all know that that may be somewhat difficult for yours truly.

"ohh a working class face glares back at me / from the glass and lurches / oh forgive me on the streets i ran / turn sickness into popular song"

I'm gonna write something slightly more... Intelligent later. Right now, I'm on to the great job hunt it appears. Let's do this.

totally not cool.

The fear of rejection is no longer a fear, it is a reality. And no I'd rather not talk about it, or even acknowledge it's existance, but rather hint at it now to preface the following post, then forget about it.

I'm some sort of two year old. Some white beacon of purity and innocence that cannot be tainted by the pressures of this world. At least that's everyone's excuse nowadays. I can't even handle this. It's not so much the rejection, but the crap behind it. The fact that you don't want to mess with this? I don't think so. Shove your head back up where it belongs.

Why am I not in Scotland yet?

This is heartbreak, and this is bloody. I am not who I am being persecuted for being. Call in Sydney. C'est fini.

public enemy.

I just need to think out loud. Because right now I'm having a really hard time getting around the grey matter in my head. There's actually something up there apparently. How do I know? Cause it hurts. Massive.

"what i want is what i need / she's a public enemy"

So this guy gets a hold of me. And we've had an itneresting history I suppose you could say. Not interesting enough to share all of the details, however. And really, they're fairly well known anyhow. But we started talking last week and decided we should hang out some time this week, get coffee or something like that. (We got coffee before my loooong rehearsal that one day, at 7am. It's just kinda what we do.) Well whatever, I wasn't exactly expecting to hear much from him until maybe Wednesday or something. Just to get some details together. Except that obviously I was wrong. Today around 4 or so I got a sound file from him on my phone. It was some song, and although I couldn't pick out many of the lyrics (the sound quality when you record, send & play back via cell phones leaves much to be desired), I could clearly discern the line "you're the only reason i'm trying". So I asked him what was going on, and received the reply, "I think I still really like you and if that means changing and staying clean then so be it". So he wants to get clean for me in a roundabout way. What the hey ho am I supposed to do now? It isn't like things are just supposed to go back to the way they were. Cause I mean, before the whole INCIDENT (dun dun dunnnnnn... what a load of crap that was) things were good. I was happy. (I know, right?)

"i'll make it seem like i'm stronger but i'm quite the actor / but now i'm so caught up and i can't escape this pattern / but when i started losing hope, there you were, there you bloomed"

And it isn't like my life hasn't moved on. Because trust me, it has. I've got other things going on. One thing you learn through life in the fast lane: the social scene changes every second. Il y a quelques instants? Yeah. Something just changed. I promise. Life will ALWAYS move on without you. That's another thing I've picked up on lately. This whole living two separate lives (one in Denver, one in STL) has really screwed things up. When I'm here, my friends back home change. They form new relationships, understand themselves differently, and change drastically. When I'm back there, I have much catching up to do. Whilst there, however, the people in Denver are also moving on at lifespeed, with or without me. There's so much to think about, always.

"let's get down in barcelona / i like romancing but i don't wanna / let's get down in barcelona / tonight we're dancing like tomorrow / falling down, falling down, touch the ground, touch the ground / going mad, going mad, not too bad, not too bad"

I'm a little lost, I've got these fishies in my head, but I'm really gonna be okay. I get through it every time. Mini episodes contribute to the greater picture. And I'm no Michelangelo. This is the black cloud of Kandinsky's Woman. You must work through the cloud to reach the flower, waiting patiently upon the side table.

i wonder when i'll hit the ground.

So I guess I finally got through to him. Too bad for him that it was entirely too late. There isn't a chance in hell of things ever going back to even half of what they used to be. Am I remorseful? Aye. How much? Not much. Because for once I'm doing something that's good for ME first, and then all else second.

"come on get gone / the night is young / i'm blackin out / but it's been fun"

I have this urge to just sit aorund and watch movies today. It's the perfect weather. It can't decide if it wants to rain or not. I'm not doing anything else, really, so why shouldn't I just waste another day doing nothing? Fight Club and Boondock Saints sounds like a good combination, don't you think? I should be reading for AP Lit, but something in me right now is completely against productive whatsoever. Most likely just cause I'm a moron, but ya know. Whatev.

"boom sha lacka / he's walkin up to me / boom sha lacka / he starts talkin to me"

Yeah. I don't know. I'm kind of in a weird mood right now. Maybe I'll figure something out.

the pillar of damage control.

I'm sitting around listening to all of my new music. It's a glorious feeling. Right now I'm plowing through the new Green Day album. It's actually pretty good so far, but they have about 16 songs left to make me hate them. I've just sort of figured however that I need to fall in love with them in order to fully enjoy the show in August. So there ya go. Also on the Recently Added playlist... The Virgins, We Are Scientists, NYLON Summer Playlist, new Kings of Leon, old Kings of Leon. Yeah, something like that.

"the one that's falling through the cracks"

So to rant about things that no one cares about. Got in touch with good old Danny boy again today. Hanging later this week. Can I borrow a Rosary from a good Catholic boy or girl?

"i'll tell you everything i know / every little thing i know"

Speaking of Danny, someone has started calling me Dannie lately and I absolutely love it. I don't know why. Soemthing about having a weird nickname has always been the coolest to me. That makes me lame. But that's alright. I've always been open to that.

"i'm doing my thing / i'm coming this way / my beat is correct / please enjoy"

So I just told someone that I was no longer going to participate in their life. It sounds so harsh. Considering I was once head over heels in love with this particular person. Unfortunately, they could never accept it, and to this day I doubt they would recognize the feelings I had for them. But their life has become a mess of consumption and waste and turnover, a purgatorial trigger I can't handle at this point. My own life is enough for me to concentrate on for the rest of the time I am blessed with on the rock; I can't take another into my own hands. And besides, I have tried. I have tried time and time again to take control here and fix things for this person, or try to be the silenced conscience, or just give the good advice I seem to lack on occasion, but it never took. I put so much faith in him, and I got burned worse than I could imagine. But not just once, but several different times, to the point that now, all of the pain I've been cost by this one individual has blurred together into a rainbow, smeared and ruined. A rainbow filled with every shade of black you can imagine. How beautiful it must be in comparison to those gaudy hues of pastel lies. How beautiful I must be. What's worse, I've lost my ability to place faith in anything other than the concrete. The abstract has become the enemy, and here I sit, alone, for the idea of anything less than a breathing body next to my own is no longer sufficient. And how I ramble.

If I said I was truly happy, would you believe me? You can see how I fall to pieces, but if I called it a facade, would you fucking shut up and take it like a man? Or turn away and lay blame. No. That's you.

faberge falls for shuggie.

So here's the deal ladies (Grace) & gentlemen (Keegan). (My audience consists of two people who already know what's going on BEFORE I blog about it.) I flew back from St. Louis last night. It was the biggest pain the butt ever due to flight delays and a lack of cash for bagels even though I ended up getting one anyhow and whatnot, but here I am, alive and mostly in one piece. The trip itself was actually pretty great. I was worried about fighting with Lindsay, but that never really came up. We spent probably 90% of our time together (I opted out to see some family from about 9 til 1 AM one night, and chatted with some old friends while we were at Six Flags together) and only had like two awkward tiffs, if that. I was able to see a few old friends and some family members that haven't attended family get togethers in the last two years, making our correspondence completely impossible.

"i can say i hope it will be worth what i give up if i could stand of mean for the things that i believe"

Lindsay also semi-set me up with a guy. A boy. Oh dear. As you probably know, I'm fairly OVER people, especially those of the male persuasion. So when her not-quite-boyfriend Dylan brought his best friend Gannon over to the house, I wasn't exactly OPEN to the idea of being even remotely nice to either of the boys. He impressed me as witty and slightly goofy. Whatever. Who cares. Well the boys just happened to be there when we went to Six Flags the next day, and due to our shared dislike for Mr. Freeze, Gannon and I got to talking about (of all things, gasp) music. We had really similar tastes and it was kinda nice to talk to someone who had intelligent views on bands like Green Day and White Stripes. Our conversation continued in line for the next ride, and as we were leaving he asked about my departure and whatnot. I was very excited because he showed an interest in me similar to the one I had in him. The four of us hung out the next day, watching A Beautiful Mind at Lindsay's, then having dinner at Pasta House, both activities courtesy of yours truly. And the rest is history, really. Details would bore you all, and we all know I don't want to drag on about something no one cares about...

"have you seen me cry tears like diamonds / down and down they fly, faster and faster like the speed of our love / batting a thousand, but a homerun crack at love / there is where i tell you that, i know that love's what i need to work at, oh"

So here I am, sitting in bed, on round two of coffee, this time a short, skinny vanilla latte, listening to the free playlist I snagged from NYLON, talking to a few different people, and really just pondering all of the things I've been through lately. I find it amazing how much I have changed and essentially how much I have not. The tough times make you feel like you have to change, I've realized. They make you think that what you're doing is wrong, and obviously your person is just a big mess. But when you sit down and think about it, you can make tiny character adjustments that may be an improvement, but essentially you will never change. Never. That's just the way it is. Why? Probably because everytime I've gotten screwed over, although I will admit the fault was partially mine, it was mostly the fault of someone else being a terrible excuse for a person. The only changes I've made are to be a nicer and more well-rounded person, and also to become more grounded in myself. Basically, I haven't changed who I am, but become more aware of who I am. And I'm really liking the way that that sounds right about now.

"don't meddle with the heart / or meddle with the mind / or meddle with the things that are inside / don't know what you'll find / don't know what she hides"

Love you all (two).

why don't you leave me alone.

I don't have much to say. I'm flying out of here tomorrow morning, and coming back Thursday night. If this doesn't help things, I don't know what will. Okay just kidding I do but THAT isn't going to happen.

"how you gonna feel when she turns around / and says 'you broke another heart that was broken down'?"

pancakes for one.

I'm kind of stuck in this mood where everything SUCKS. Yeah. That's where we're at. Being optimistic and happy is so fun. But so draining and difficult when you just don't have it in you anymore. And that is what I'm experiencing currently. All I can look forward to is going back home Sunday. But even that has lost it's shine. I worry about fighting with Lindsay instead of enjoying our time together. I worry about discovering that I no longer matter to all of those people I still miss immensely. I worry about what I said to Justin last night because all I really did was make myself sound like an idiot, and even though I worry that I screwed up his life, I know that isn't even possible because I don't matter anymore.

"i always loved you, you always had a lot of style / i'd hate to see you on the pile / of 'nearly made it's, you've got the essence, dear / if i could have a second skin i'd probably dress up in you"

I've got this analogy going about puzzles, and how I'm just a puzzle piece trying to be smooshed into the wrong puzzle essentially. I came from another box, but I don't know where that box is. I have such a good idea of what the picture is. I know what I want to picture on the box to look like, and therefore the puzzle as well. But I don't know where to find the right puzzle. Keegan said I need to find the person to show me, but I don't know where to find them either. The conversation I had with Leah last night revolved around the fact that we're 16 and already looking for that person and it's really just quite draining because we're depressed from not finding them but essentially we have no means and it's unrealistic. It's such a crushing defeat. I don't even know where to go with myself now.

"whose house are you haunting tonight?"

I've lived my whole life forward, forward, never thinking for the present. I know I will reap the benefits of that in the future. I will be happy, successful, contented and beautifully in place. But right now I am suffering through the mishaps and hellacious misfortune of not thinking for the present whatsoever. So I guess I'll go drink a latte.

don't complicate my peace of mind.

Excuse me. But I'm back. And I'm kickin. Here's the deal kiddies. I've been dealing with some seriously crappy crap lately. And I ain't puttin up with it anymore. Stick that in your juice box. Seriously. I'm done letting other people define who I am. Because I love who I am, right now. Listening to dios malos or something, sipping on coffee that is not even warm anymore, talking to Keegan about shamwow & JR about the fact that his name is JR. My self-culture is profound, my loyalty unyielding, and my intelligence admirable. I have the best friends in the world, always there when I need them, and I return that favour when need be. I know that when I text my girls about what some tool did to me, there will be a phone call within 30 seconds with them SCREAMING their asses off about what manparts said tool would be missing if she had the opportunity to track him down.

"gold teeth are the curse of this town / they're all in my mouth / but i don't know how"

I don't need a guy to get me through anything. At all. In fact, I'm probably better off without a guy for the time being. Why? Because there is no point in wasting my time and energy on a guy that doesn't complete me perfectly. When I'm in a relationship, I give my ALL to it, and treat him like he's the bee's knees. If I'm not going to get that back, it's not worth my own efforts. Heartbreak is never welcome.

"i'll never get it / cause i'll never grow old / and i'm never as tired as when i'm wakin up / though it feels like i'm in love again / but not with you"

So hello world. This is Danielle, no longer afraid to be who she is. Because if someone can't handle ALL of this, the ridiculous dancing, the pointless blathering, the four am phone calls, the caffeine crashes, the bad taste in fashion, then I don't want anything to do with them. They don't deserve me at that point; the problem then is passed from me to them.

you are the fortunate one.

"it hurts to feel anything / the heart is just a muscle / and it's beating through a selfish man"

I don't know what to say at this point. It sounds so pathetic and false. But I've never been in a position like this that truly hurts so badly, and I'm straight up being TOLD that everything is fine. Like really? Alright. So if that's what you want, that's just dandy. Everything is now FINE. I'm not going to do anything to try to fix any of this. I'm not even going to initiate any more of that conversation. I'm going to pretend that everything is perfect, and act as such. I'm going to keep my distance, but make affectionate contact when necessary to keep things afloat. Because as much as I hate to say it, I think we need each other in a sick and disgusting way. It literally turns my stomach to think about what I'm going through for the sake of a distant ideal. But maybe time will bring about what I'm waiting for. Because if there's going to be an arm's length distance, I'm gonna crush that arm into a million bloody, shattered pieces. I'm gonna win. I'm gonna break it. And then I'll be okay. Until then, I need a latte, stat.

let's cut our boxes at both ends.

I don't know what to say anymore. I'm very confused and very unsure about what to do. I'm "sleeping on it" apparently. Ugh... I would ask for help but I am too embarrassed. Not ashamed. Never regret. Never ever. But embarrassed, maybe, yeah...

can't see for the brightness steerin me blind.

"what did you have in mind?"
"sunday's a good day to get someone to cover my shift and spend money on you"

I don't care if you saw my tweet about it. This made my day. Period. Because this was someone not bashing on me or telling me I'm doing something wrong or asking how many AirHeads they could buy with $1. End of story.

"well you know november has come.. it's gone away"

Today I worked snack shack with Justin and it was crazy fun. Aly was there too. But it was better with Justin cause he's just so chill and he thought there was rocky road ice cream in the freezer.

"we were spittin venom at most everyone we know / now let it drop / let it all drop"

I don't really know what to say. Mentally I'm a disaster. Really. I'm doing this whole trying to lose weight thing and it's really just a downer because I want cake and Ben & Jerry's but I won't let myself cave in this time. And my muscles hurt from working out. I'm trying so hard. But I fail at that. So we'll see.

"hold on to what you need / we've got a knack for fucked up history"

My music is just weird tonight. Personal collection, not Pandora. So it's all over the place. But I need sleep. Maybe I'll write something worth reading tomorrow? Maybe not. I want to laugh at myself for how pathetically depressed I am over a cupcake.

summer skin.

So I started my summer blog today. [wonderlandinsunshine]. Y'know. In case you were wondering or something.

"should've known, should've known, should've known again / oh here it goes again"

Nabbed tickets to go back home today. You have no idea what kind of a relief that is. There was so much uncertainty as to whether or not I was even going to get to go, but now everything is fine because my parents paid like two-hundred bucks to fly me out there. I am so going. The turtles are going to be tight(: Plus the Delmar Loop and whatever else we feel like. GOSH.

"you wasted life why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?"

I'm starting to get really excited for the future again. Why? Because you have to have a stable present to be able to focus on the future. You can't plan ahead five years when you don't know if you're going to hold it together for the next five minutes. That's just ridiculous. Things are leveling out. And you know really, things weren't even bad for that long. Like. A day? I react too quickly. That's my problem. The moment something goes slightly off-kilter, I flip, and that just isn't okay. But there are times when this reaction rate truly saves myself (and those I care for deepest) from a world or heartache. It's so double-sided. So difficult.

"what's the point in compromise? / get your dignity and leave"

I haven't written anything in so long. I haven't had inspiration. I've just felt like this fat, amorphous blob of nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's terrible. So tomorrow I'm going to pick up one of my leads and make something beautiful. Stunning. Something to mirror the person I want to be. Something to aspire to be. A model. No. A reflection. Because I'm getting there. I'm becoming the person I want to be. The culture I have created around myself is intoxicating and lovely. I want nothing else, but to tweak and perfect it. My pen reflects who I am, and nothing less. I am my masterpiece. Mes mots. My lesser density.

"love it all love it all love it all"

But the writing must wait. Tonight I must sleep to wake up in time to go to the gym tomorrow morning. =]

i suffer you because you're beautiful.

This is what happened. And this is why I'm going to fall asleep with a smile tonight.

"Can you make the effort to learn how to be first withoutbeing first? Because this chase will kill you. And that's not what I want to happen. Besides. I'm much more infatuated with your flaws, like you are to mine. You're more endearing to me being imperfect."
"Are you sure?"
"Undoubtedly. It's lame to say this, but when I modeled they always told me to try not to make a statement; instead, just be a statement."

123ilovemylife? We're getting there. So getting there. Almost there. Really. And I officially love Keegan's song. It's amazing. I wish I had written it. In fact, I think I did. So there. Ha. You lose.

"i could sleep... when i lived alone... is there a ghost in my house?"

I've had a ridiculous night. Danielleparty was pretty much an epic bust (my room is so messy, tomorrow is summer cleaning...) but I feel so much better with the events. I emailed my hero. The woman I love to death and has inspired me to be who I NEED to be. I cleaned for about two seconds, then got distracted and transferred every single contact from my phone to my little address book because I kick it old school. I ate some grapefruit though thank goodness. And I determined that salty nuts would be my protein in extreme conditions. Overall, fairly productive I would say.

"yeah she's always avoided falling in love / it's due to her life as a private affair"

I think I'll finish this some other time. I just can't right now.

oh baby yeah yeah yeah. oh yeah yeah yeah.

So class rank stuff is on the brain. I'm feelin second. Sounds like a fairly safe bet to me, actually. 4.025? Yeahh. Sounds good.

"because i have never felt like this"

I guess everything's alright. Except I feel shut out from humanity. And I actually told one of the two people who did this to me how I felt. And being the idiot they are, they didn't pick up on the fact that it was THEM. Moron... So now I'm house-bound on the first night of summer. So what am I going to do? Have a Danielleparty. A LEGIT one. A really good one. I'm serious. I'm gonna clean, I'm gonna read, I'm gonna write (blog, yesyes), I'm gonna sit here and listen to the melodramatic tones pouring forth from my dusty Dell. I don't know if I could be happier. Well. I could be. But considering, I couldn't possibly be.

"you take my hand / we cross the lawn"

So I guess I'm just going to wait around and waste more time on facebook and tweeting until it's time for this shindig to commence.

"i suffer you so easily / we, we disagree / i, i think it's good to disagree / you are always saying that we are not the same / we are not the same"

I'm so scared. Everything is changing. And I don't know how to react. More on that later.

baby get close to me.

I'm taking Keegan's advice (again, recurring theme) and just writing everything out until I truly understand what just happened. It was probably one of the best hours of my life. Why? I felt like I was at home there, moving in sync with another set of lungs, listening to that song by Tonic, and that's a concept I've been struggling with so much lately. Finding home. Finding that place to rest my bones.

"baby don't give up on me / experience comes slowly / how optimistic can you be / to wait for things you can not see?"

The other part of me is falling to pieces. Priorities are lining up less than perfectly. What I said before we left may have provoked the actions, but it was never reciprocated. "Thank you" does not count. What happened... I can't tell if I'm letting go of who I used to be, or if I am losing who I am. There's a fine line there, and dancing with the devil has never been my forte.

"So just kill me off now / Because I ain't got a pretty face / So just take my knees out / It's my only saving grace / Don't come over to me and tell me how great I was / Just come over to me and tell me how great I am"

Maybe this will work. Maybe not. Only time will tell. I hate that cliche. Time is NOT the only thing that will tell. I will tell, and you will tell, and we will find out and then we'll tell.

you'll sleep tonight.

I don't know. There's so much but at the same time there is so little. So so so little. I guess everything's really okay because I didn't fail the French final and I won in the end with that whole other situation that doesn't need to be gone into and I've still got the people I need and they aren't going anywhere. But I also feel as though any little slip is going to send EVERYTHING crashing down around me. I feel like I've hit a wall academically and I'm stuck in a rat race for second place. I am afraid that I'm going to misword one paraphrased lyric and send my entire social atmosphere into a tailspin. I could lose the best thing that I've happened upon in months. I could slip on the wrong puddle, fall the wrong way, fracture the wrong bone, and lose everything, everything, on a chance, a whim. I don't know if this is fear or foreshadowing.

"i don't care just where you go as long as it's with me / and i don't care just what you do as long as it's with me too"

I spent the longish weekend in Glennwood Springs and it pretty much burned my brains. The smell of sulfuric compounds in water doesn't sit well with me. At all. Ever. Said water also tarnished my rings. Lovely.

"a song is just a game / i'm getting good at cheating"

Keegan just helped me with multiple things.

1. Understanding how to graph these ridiculous functions, &
2. Understanding that maybe I'm not such a doof.

"sometime in the fall fall fall / there'll be nothing to keep you far from me / before i'm long long long gone / there'll be nothing to keep me away"

Okay I should really just stop writing. I should sleep and read Grace & Keegan's blog posts and obey my nudges and tweet. Not necessarily in that order.

please learn from my mistakes.

No matter what happens, I'm holding on to this. This right here. This ethereal high, consuming and devstating and miraculously beautiful.

"let the love tear us apart / i've found the cure for a broken heart"

tee hee?

So pretty much today was one of the best days ever. Signed a business agreement contract thing. Made my life much better(: Tomorrow is going to be even better though. Watch out world. Danielle's back and with a vengeance; I'm kicking ass and I don't care what your name is.

"oh and forty feet remain"

so, so many things.

It would be apropriate that to say the last few days have been an absolute blur of happy, sad, fury, and all time lows.

"i get nervous when she comes around / when she comes around / when she comes around yeah"

I'm home sick right now, which is something I absolutely hate. Everybody knows that I don't skip school if it can be avoided. Make up work is the bane of my existance, andsitting around doing nothing when I should be at school prepping for finals really frustrates me. But last night might have my life. Seriously. Apparently I got some award for being good at Social Studies. I'm still waiting on an email from Mr. Anderson to hear about what actually went down, since nobody else seems to be in the persuasion of actually telling me anything besides giving me crap for being too sick to show. But something else happened. Oh dear. Did something else ever happen.

"let me know don't let me be / it's almost too easy"

A boy. The boy. Well. He doesn't know he's the boy. Maybe he does. Whatever. Anyhow. He basicall sorta ish asked me on a date Friday night. Except I'm not sure if it's actually a "date" per se, but I do know that I am SUPER excited because I didn't see this even being possible. Upon reflection I don't know if it is a date. So and so says that yes, it would be, based on what he said. But then I think about it and doubt clouds my once crystal perception, like it has this infalliable habit of doing. It's terrible. Really. I love my life.

"when i'm feeling lazy it's probably because / i'm saving all my energy to pick up / when you move into my airspace / move into my airspace"

No seriously. I love my life. Everything's kind of falling out from underneath me. But I couldn't be happier. Let's do this.

"let's dance to joy division/ & celebrate the irony / cause everything is going wrong / but we're so happy"

how you make my heart sing.

I'm listening to a load of Green Day right now because even though they aren't really my favourite, they are touring with Franz this summer (123ahhh) so I might as well dance. Seems to be a theme in my life. The music isn't always going to be Stereophonics and Bloc Party, but you might not even notice if you just find the candence and dance anyhow.

"am i retarded or am i just overjoyed?"

SO this freaking guy... I just can't decide about him. Seriously, he just goes back and forth. He acts like he hates me, and I would absolutely love to say that it's a front, but I can't tell all the time. Which is seriously annoying me. Because I hate not knowing, always. And I'm currently sitting through a conversation in which I am being told that he's insane or something. I don't know. Whatever.

"can i get another amen?"

I don't know what to say anymore. I paid too much for shoes today?

oh, i am flying to istanbul.

One bad trip apparently holds more weight than losing the best person that has ever been in your life. Kiss my sharries, O my brother.

"i'm gonna give my aimless love / my angry heart / my desire"

I really don't have anything else to say. Except Ham on Rye by Bukowski was seriously one of the best works I've ever read, strictly stylistically, and the story clearly embodied the very words written. Love. Do read. I have a copy if anyone wants to share. Next on the hit parade is Catcher in the Rye, but only because if I don't I'll be some sort of literari outcast. I'm not even looking forward to it simply because of the ridiculous mainstream affectation. Whatever. Then Doctor Zhivago, the great Red novel. Thank God I'll be back to things I'll have to actually think about.

this sentence will ruin/save your life.

I have no emotions left, you've drained them out, except for this one, this last lasting feeling I cannot purge from my being.

"home is where you hang your head / is where you rest your bones"

All I can feel is desire for that which I may not have. But maybe I'll steal it. I'm stealing it. And I will regret it almost instantly. Except for that split second in which the possession in my hands is new, shining, clean. It will be worth a lifetime of painful remorse. Right?

"this sentence will ruin/save your life"

chocolate pickle bubble.

So there's a guy but the past won't let me move on so I guess I'm just stuck in purgatory.

"i don't mind just where you go as long as long as it's with me / and i don't care just what you do as long as long as it's with me too"

i am a grown up, god damn it.

So I've kind of realized that this is not for me so I'm taking back everything, packing up and moving out, to somewhere where there aren't artificial, shallow, annoying, lying, cheating, backstabbing people and where I can carry out my life the way it was meant to be lived, that is to say to a standard of perfection, following only the footsteps I've mentally created for myself.

"but i've been down across a road or two / but now i've found the velvet sun that shines on me"

Shut up, you're not even on my level, so go find some trash to converse with that is more acceptable to make your acquaintance.

you see her.

So. I'm sitting in my room. I was in bed but I migrated to my table. Reading Bukowski. Amazing? Yeah. I think so. Drinking a raspberry iced tea. And I realize that this is the type of life I want to have.

"if this is it, all we have and ever will / if this is it, time is running out and standing still"

I am a literary piece of work, fueled by chai, driven by desire, and truly empowered with the gift of les mots in lesser density.

"i'll leave today cause there's nothing left to keep me here / i'll fade away, i'll turn my back and disappear"

Trust me: mine is a name that you will want to remember.

"you want to / but she won't let you"

can you read my mind?

I was writing something here last night and then my internet went out literally as I was adding the tags, because it's cool like that. Ugh. This is what I had written.

"are you lonely now?"

Here is what a normal person should write in their blog: Today was good, because amidst all of the fighting with parents and drama that remains unsolved, I got new earrings and almost bought these turquoise shoes but decided against it because I'd rather buy new Sanuks for the summer. I also made bank as far as I'm concered and locked up a job for next weekend. Yay for my life.

"time won't let me go"

But as we all know I'm not normal and so here I commence with the sort of blog you've all grown to expect and love.

"i had my back turned / you didn't realize i'm lonely"

I'm getting through Clockwork Orange and absolutely loving it. About twenty odd pages left. It's totally bringing back my Russian roots. Love that. I actually sent a text that said 'xopowo' tonight. I sent a message that said 'horrowshow' before as well, but taking it to Cyrillic just changes it. Totally new caliber of retardation there. Fabulous. I almost don't want to read the last chapter however. Why? Because it totally changes things between the American and British versions. Oy.

"i'm just a crosshair / i'm just a shot then we can die / i know i won't be leaving here / with you"

Oh and I really want to invent a definitive language like Burgess did with nadsat. I love it. And Franz is still my favorite band ever, no matter how much Born Ruffians I listened to after the show. And Take Me Out makes me want to cry tears of joy. It's like the wax dripping, finalizing the fact that yes, this is amazing incarnate. Here's the signature, seal her up, send it on out, this is my life.

"and we don't notice any time pass / we don't notice anything / we sit side by side in every class / teacher thinks that i sound funny / but she likes the way you sing"

I'm in the process of making some very important decisions right now. It's really quite scary cause I feel like I'm on my oddy knocky but I know I'm really not. Okay see there was the Russian bit again. Bog help me.... Forget it.

"and if you feel a little left behind / we will wait for you on the other side"

Seriously though. This is really sort of screwing with me. I think if I just take another few days like I have been (coffee, Pandora loop, no homework, sitting in bed) I might be able to come up with what's up here. Which is good. Yay. Because everything is pulling out from underneath me, and all I've got left are mes mots, my less than one density keeping me afloat. Dear God, don't let me lose them. Don't let me lose him. Not again.

"she don't think straight / no no no she don't think straight"

smile like you mean it.

"ich heisse superphantastisch / ich trinke shampus mit lachsfisch"

I am breaking hearts and taking names.

"you can feel my lips undress your eyes undress your eyes undress your eyes / skin can feel my lips they tingle tense anticipation on it / this one is an easy one / feel the word and melt upon it / words of love, words so leisured, words are poisoned darts of pleasure / die, and so you die"

I just wasn't aware of it.

"and it's the thousandth time and it's even bolder / don't be surprised when you get bent over / they told ya, but you were dying for it / she saw it and she grabbed it and it wasn't what it seemed / the kids all dream of making it, whatever that means"


She's got standards.

i awoke from lucid dreams...

"it's hard to rely on the rhythm section when they're all packing up and they're heading for the exist / yeah we're all just the same, a bunch of slaves to fashion / who are tall, dark and scared and just praying for some action"

Apparently I'm doing stuff this weekend? Going to Zach's tonight, doing strike tomorrow, going shopping tomorrow, studying, ghahgiurhejvne. I've kinda been down with the whole sit around and do nothing plan. Whatever.

"while i move away, hard times don't come until tomorrow / these eyes don't see, take you skin off when you're listenin to me / move away, hard times don't come until tomorrow / these eyes in me take you skin off when you're talkin to me"

1984 Day was silly. Silly is my new favorite word. But I did get some major cred from Mr. Hinman twice today for my solos last night. Positive? Yeahh.

"where did you go? oh where did you go? falling about, you took a left off last laugh lane"

And it really scared me today, because I'm standing there talking to this stupid boy and I finally saw something in him that I hadn't seen before, and I literally went to walk away, but noticed this and kinda made a weird face and came back for a minute. It was bizarre. But it was just like... He looked like he had grown up. Actually grown up. I don't know how to explain it, except for trying to put the sheer ridiculosity of the situation into words, which I don't even have the energy for right now.

"mascara bleeds a blackened tear / and i am cold i am old / at least as old as you are"

I have so many good ideas for pieces to write this weekend. I'm ridiculously excited about it actually. I love the idea of finally getting around to formulating and flowing around some of the theses I've come up with. It's seriously like the best thing that's going to come out of this weekend.

"it's almost too easy / i'm holding you by the hand / more like the nape of your neck / why don't you draw up a list you have to frequently check? / and put some things in order"

Who knows. Things are changing. I hate myself for thinking this way. But things are changing back to the way they used to be. Why? Because I had my dreams stolen from me. Literally out of my hands, my arms, my eyes, my mind. I got screwed over for no reason, and I'm not really a big fan of that in all honesty. But now of course I'm going back to the situation to fix things and get back what is mine. This is mine. Don't you even try to get in my way. I'm taking what I want from now on. Because I can. Because I deserve it. Because no one else does.

"how am i supposed to know what makes this happen?"

a word to my comrades.

I would like to say that 1984 Day is nothing special. It is no different than any other day of my life. Except now I won't be condemned as a "commie" for saying "comrade", even though the word's origins are that of my own blood.

You're all morons by the way.

Oh and I'm alone, all all all all alone. How bloody unfortunate, right?

Orion is no longer in the sky. I feel as though the glue that has held my bones together has dissipated.

yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever, never.

Backing up the orchestra tonight. Approximately 6 solos. Um.

"and i don't need to satisfy tonight"

1984 Day tomorrow. Exciting? Sure.

"this will all blow over in time"

I've got all these things and people and place floating around in my head. Dreams numbers and words, les mots les mots les mots. But let's not stop there. MES mots. Mes mots mes mots mes mots. Lost at sea lost at sea lost at sea. I can't add up because I don't divide quite right, but maybe that's the question. The mistakes I've been making are putting irrationality between me and my future. But does anything really hold your future? You, your hands, and the ridiculous cal you spew to my mind. You have this immaculately unfortunate power to ruin everything with one glance.

"i must believe there's more above us and below / i must believe stranded with this bitch called hope / it keeps me here when all i wanna do is go / it keeps me here when all i wanna do is disappear"

I want you to cry, I want you to hurt, I want you to know the pain of being the reason for the downfall of the person you love more than anything else in the world. I want to see you smile, hear your laugh, be there to laugh at you when you act stupid and to return the favor.

"if i'm tired i'm tired of tellin you / i'm never tired / i'm always better than you"

So I guess it's in my hands to fix this now, n'est-ce pas? Well guess what, I'm always right. And I always win. And I always come out on top. So suck it up. This IS going to suck, and you aren't always going to like it. Nope. But maybe if I fix you, we can fix us.

"i can't crack / we're on top, we're on top / we bring the bump to the grind, oh ho i don't mind"

Oh. And you. Not the you aforementioned, but a separate you. How about we don't make Danielle feel like crap? And how about you just figure out what's going on in your ever-so-much-more important life before you act like you care about me. Peace out.

"the fallen are the virtuous among us / walk among us / yeah we're all damned"

psa: strength.

I have to be strong because of who depends on it. I have to be the example. I must pull through, and not just barely survive, but thrive and live well.

The differing standards aren't fair, but this is what it has come to. This is who I have been, who I am, and who I will always be. The one that will be there when you need her, even if she wants nothing to do with it. You get your advice and your model. Because on the outward I am even and smooth, with a vague sense of reality, a taste of normality.

I am breaking inside, but thank God for an outer layer. Because I'll confess, I never changed the rules back. They are still bent and broken, a disarray of my life, from the last time you swept through the shattered remnants.

Please be here when I wake.

helping.

My life has become a general conglomeration of a few different aspects: reading either Clockwork Orange or something by Bukowski; listening to Born Ruffians and whatever comes on Pandora, I seem to have the ability to fall in love with all of it; feeling absolutely useless; considering different ways to fix the current situation; writing pieces; stressing over nothing--as in seriously nothing.

If you would just see that I'm right, this would be much easier.

Oh. And while we're at it. I'm really tired of not being important. So if we could work on that, that would be great. Really just peachy. Thanks.

At this very moment, I am at peace. The world around me has sat down, and maybe not shut up, but at least changed their tone to one more to my liking.

Surrounded by half-completed precalc assignments and French that will go unstudied, sitting upon my Tinkerbell sheeted bed, life is just fine. Pandora sings to me, of Ruffians Born that way, a Band of Spintos, Kids from the Cold War, and Wombats singing bits about Joy Division. My shirt depicts a politician who deserves respect for his work in the field of his titlesake, and is soaked with piercing antiseptic because of my precise clumsiness. The guarana from another drained bottle of vitaminwater pierces my veins and keeps me going strong; the bizarre vibrate indicates a new piece of hope via text, piercing straight to my brain.

I'm having two conversations with the same person, just in different places. Why? Because. They are two unrelated conversations.

New Pornographers come on and I want to dance. But I really just want to write.

I want to write because while my heart is light and contented with the state of misery I am subject to at all times as a sort of repentence, the blood dries with the ink. I am free to wash away all with the sweeping shorthand, the Phonenician symbols meaning more than any actions I could ever perform.

Trust me.

This is it.

I'm blogging too much already. Fantastic.

Pandora: Born Ruffians, ofMontreal, Franz Ferdinand, & Myriad.
Eat cookies. They're good for you.

"would you believe me if i said the elephant in the room was YOU NOT BEING IN MY BED? & you'll never know, you'll never see until you're dead."

ychismb.

So I guess I changed some things around. I guess I sucked up everything I had left. I hope I choke on it, just to prove to myself once again that I can't do this.

when will stupid learn fire's gonna burn / think of consequence, then you move when it's your turn

But we must not forget that impatience is a virtue, and my most prominent at that.

Alors, life goes on. With or without your consent, life moves forward for an agility that will make your head spin and your heart stop. There is no permission slip. This ain't no merry-go-round field trip, cowboy.

I feel so restricted out of fear of writing something too profound in front of everybody. Almost every one of the lines above is from a piece. If you would care to peruse the original text, let me know.

But to the point, back to me... I made a decision today that's going to change everything: I gave myself up completely. I lost myself in giving myself to someone else. Someone else's cause, to absolve the charges of someone else.

I'm imparting my own self into those around me who are less than deserving. And in this I am finding my own true identity. I don't know if I like it. But what else can be said?

let's dance to joy division and celebrate the irony / everything is going wrong but we're so happy.

I'd like to think that this is what is going to make me happy. I have things to lose and things to gain. But I guess part of the valor of losing is knowing that you have something to lose.

you could have it so much better if you tried if you tried if you tried if you tried / and you got up on your own, get up on your own.

There's my fatal flaw and most perfect principle: I get up on my own. But I never fall alone.

Oh and in case you were wondering. I was in love with you, but you threw that away. To reiterate my monotony, stupid never learns fire's gonna burn.

artlove.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4vrU0MBWrhXLxLto6qEBdHWRyuETIhNaFfyr93NXn2dtdWhm-lENFO8M20B273M0qHxri5LUdPhsuGgOQROUJ_8gE-TPlhq0NOnYI3XaJ2UE6tNK53mZoqAppjuFHxRbz9pL0XunTMtE/s320/Aldhils+Arboretum.gif

This picture quite possibly makes my life.

Also, Woman in Moscow by Kandinsky, Soviet propaganda, and Sergey Larenkov's photos: http://sergey-larenkov.livejournal.com/

Can anyone find a theme? I have invisible ties. Threads that don't exist.

"No matter where we go / We're always touching by underground wires"

Funny how that came back to ofMontreal. Maybe less funny than ridiculously set on a course that I can't alter. Off to write.