you are the fortunate one.

"it hurts to feel anything / the heart is just a muscle / and it's beating through a selfish man"

I don't know what to say at this point. It sounds so pathetic and false. But I've never been in a position like this that truly hurts so badly, and I'm straight up being TOLD that everything is fine. Like really? Alright. So if that's what you want, that's just dandy. Everything is now FINE. I'm not going to do anything to try to fix any of this. I'm not even going to initiate any more of that conversation. I'm going to pretend that everything is perfect, and act as such. I'm going to keep my distance, but make affectionate contact when necessary to keep things afloat. Because as much as I hate to say it, I think we need each other in a sick and disgusting way. It literally turns my stomach to think about what I'm going through for the sake of a distant ideal. But maybe time will bring about what I'm waiting for. Because if there's going to be an arm's length distance, I'm gonna crush that arm into a million bloody, shattered pieces. I'm gonna win. I'm gonna break it. And then I'll be okay. Until then, I need a latte, stat.