use this chance to be heard.

I haven't actually blogged in quite a while, save my bit about Michael Jackson. I guess the thing is that I've actually been living life instead of staring at it on a screen. I've come to realize that Facebook is stupid, texting is practically annoying, and the only way to really understand someone is to sit down and talk with them. Seriously. I'm over this whole virtual craphole. Please and thank you. So instead I hang out with my friends and go and do things and maybe even accomplish something every once in a while.

"i'm in a crisis / i need help / come on mood shift shift back to good again / come on be a friend"

Things are going pretty well. They're evening out, above all else. I'm making progress on my summer assignments (although admittedly I REALLY need to start hauling on that crap), personal things with friends and otherwise are going pretty well, and I'm getting another escape from Parker on Tuesday. We're driving to mid-Missouri to see a bunch of family for the holiday, and Thursday I get to see my lovely Lindsay. It's amazing how I miss her already after having just spent a whole week with her. As for today, I have a whole lsit of things to get done, and I'll feel much better if I actually get something done. So I'm going to leave this mess of technological disadvancement behind and go scrub a toilet.

"batting a thousand / but a homerun crack at love"

excuse me.

Okay, this isn't your average Danielle out of the average blog. I have something I need to say, and if I don't just write it out now, I'm going to explode on the next stupid person who offends me.

I don't care what you think. There was a reason that Michael Jackson was not sent to jail for child molestation or whatever else that business was about. That reason was in no way shape or form tied to the amount of money he has or his personal connections, either, before some moron tries to use that excuse. If you think that the American justice system failed in that court case, you would be making a lot heavier accusations than you could ever realize or handle. So stop it. Michael Jackson was not a RAPIST, butthead.

Also, whether you liked his music or not, agreed with his personal life choices or not, or thought his plastic surgery was an enhancement or detractment, I don't give a flying crap. The man was an American icon. Beyond his music touching the world in a way that it had not done since the likes of Elvis and The Beatles, he is a prime example of what America actually stands for: a rich diversity in cultural and personal decisions, that we are free to make on our own, and if you can't see past that, then shame on you. No one could ever claim to understand the life he lived because not one of you grew up in the spotlight and yet were degraded for something you couldn't change--yet when he did attempt to fit in the standard of physical beauty, he was scorned. This world was not for Michael Jackson. And so while I am deeply saddened by his untimely departure and for the uncertain future of his three darling children, I am comforted to know that he is in a place designed for him.

I don't care who the hell you are or think you are, Michael Jackson was an artist and innovator. The crappy music you listen to wouldn't even be around without his legacy. So get over the fact that you're wrong about the personal attacks you've slung in a moment of retardation, and give respect where respect is due.

we drop down dead.

Things are looking up in a variety of ways. Band went real well today and I don't see any problems presenting themselves further in the season. I'm getting my hair done tomorrow and I've wanted to for SUCH a long time. Justin has things to tell me after I give him his blueoctober brownies. I'm optimistic about things now and letting go of those things that have been weighing me down lately. Summer has become a learning experience for me.

"when the stars are look the same / don't feel the cold or wind or rain / everything will be okay / and we will meet again one day / and i will shine on for everyone / shine one for everyone"

BEING HAPPY IS GOOD. Try it some time.

inspire me.

So far, these are the ideas I have for the quoted/inspired summer list Keegan and I are working on together...

1. Have a day where alllllll I do is watch movies. And eat. Possibly pee. Couch Potato - Weird Al
2. Take LOTS of model-esque photos, &
3. Jump out a window. I'm Not Okay - My Chemical Romance
4. Count ceiling tiles in a HUGE room. Or all the ones in an office building. Happiness is Overrated - Airborne Toxic Event
5. Check tire pressure, &
6. Clean oven. Everything Is Alright - Motion City Soundtrack
7. Go to a petting zoo. Still Take You Home - Arctic Monkeys
8. Use audio/aural ammunition, &
9. Do the evil Joe Strummer laugh as many times as possible in one day. This Is Radio Clash - The Clash
10. Go trick-or-treating. In July. Masquerade - Andrew Lloyd Webber
11. Recreate the First Day of My Life video by Bright Eyes.
12. Shoot a reenactment of The Shining, &
13. Build a fort in the woods. Jeremy Fraser - Franz Ferdinand
14. Make & wear sweet headdresses. Headdress - Amazing Baby
15. Learn how to hand-jive. Born to Hand Jive - Sha-Na-Na
16. Sing karaoke. Often. It's My Life - Bon Jovi
17. Go to a thrift store. Indie Rock n Roll -The Killers
18. Go to the opera. Van Tango - Franz Ferdinand
19. Play with a parachute - Faberge Falls for Shuggie - of Montreal
20. Make (and/or become) a scarecrow. Scarecrow - Beck
21. Smash up terrible cds. Kill Rock n Roll - System of a Down
22. Unravel an ugly sweat, possibly bought at aforementioned thrift shop. Undone (Sweater Song) - Weezer
23. Write a random but totally awesome song on the spot. A Song to Pass the Time - Bright Eyes
24. Learn a tribal dance. In costume. Love Lockdown - Kanye West
25. Film a war reenactment. Think Platoon. The Ghost of You - My Chemical Romance
26. Build a small city. Light on fire. Repeat. This Fire - Franz Ferdinand
27. Live in backwards slo-mo as long as possible. The Scientist - Coldplay
28. Ride LOTS of elevators. Stuck in a Glass Elevator - Myriad
29. Take pictures by the pool. Beverly Hills - Weezer
30. Go on a gas station shopping spree. Strange Things Are Afoot at the Circle K - The Victim Of
31. Stand/sit as close to random people as possible. Don't Stand So Close To Me - The Police
32. Write a polka. Angry White Boy Polka - Weird Al
33. Learn phrases in a new language that pretty much no one speaks. A New Language - Myriad
34. Learn to cook. Hedonistic Me - Born Ruffians
35. Become a neon tiger. Neon Tiger - The Killers
36. Drive a Chevy to the levee, &
37. Find some pink carnations. American Pie - Don McLean
38. Dress and do hair like an Asian greaser. Nothing to Worry About - Peter Bjorn and John
39. Act like we're straight out of Clockwork Orange (members of Alex's droog posse haha). Ulysses - Franz Ferdinand
40. Have puppets speak for us for a day. Evil - Interpol
41. Tell all my friends how much I love them. My Friends - Red Hot Chili Peppers
42. Look like Dee Snyder,
43. Rock!!!, &
44. Fight EVERYTHING. We're Not Gonna Take It - Twisted Sister
45. Catch Grease at least five times on TV. Grease - Frankie Valli
46. Take ten for EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING. Kiss Off - Violent Femmes
47. Find a positive for every negative ever. Dashboard - Modest Mouse
48. Find my reflection in the stereo. Sweet Troubled Soul - stellastarr*
49. Learn a song in another language. Tell Her Tonight - Franz Ferdinand
50. Ride a train. Wishing Well - Airborne Toxic Event
51. "I'm not lost, just wandering." Hometown Glory - Adele
52. Write our own version os popcorn since everyone else has already. Popcorn
53. Get & use dancing shoes. Dancing Shoes - Arctic Monkeys
54. Make things out of jelly. Jellybones - The Unicorns
55. Call a cab. Mr. Brightside - The Killers
56. Bury something six feet under. Self-taught Learner - Lissy Trullie
57. Go to a fleamarket. Born in a Fleamarket - stellastarr*
58. See the lights from a rooftop. Anthem of Our Dying Day - Story of the Year
59. Walk with a ghost. Walking With a Ghost - Tegan & Sara
60. Act like Bukowski. Bukowski - Modest Mouse
61. Write said song. I Will Never Write an Obligatory Song About Being on the Road and Missing Someone - Say Anything
62. Make someone's head explode from talking. If You Talk Too Much (My Head Will Explode) - People In Planes
63. Directly contradict everything everyone says for a day. That's All - Genesis
64. Be hung up to dry. Hang Me Up to Dry - Cold War Kids
65. Sit in a boggy marsh. Lump - The Presidents of the United States
66. Feed the ground. Fly Trapped in a Jar - Modest Mouse
67. Do pretty much everything in the song. Ur So Gay - Katy Perry

& i've been planning something big.

Today was just flatout interesting. I woke up from my standard nightmare. I scored an out for a fourth grade kickball team. I gave the host at an Italian restaurant a dirty look for looking at for me one second too long. I learned how to organize a shrimp boil and how much a bouncy castle costs to rent. I made plans to go back home for the holiday in a couple weeks. I made my pic on twitter green.

"now the blow's been softened cause we are our own damn coffin / well / everybody's talkin bout their short list / everybody's talking bout their--"

I'm getting pretty excited about life again. If only I could hold onto this feeling. It's like that book. Um. About the red balloon, yeah? We read it in Spectra back in the day, and then saw a play about it and honestly it was kind of stupid but here's the point: If you were to equate happiness with some balloon that you have to hold on to, I would have the retarded, defected balloon. Seriously. Because not only do I have to hold on to it, but once I let go, it sticks around. It's like the moment I decide I can't hold on any longer, or just slip in my stance, the dumb thing loses pressure, always staying just within my grasp. And yes, I am aware of how stupid this sounds. Kay? But it kind of makes sense.

"love is all you need / she loves you yeah yeah yeah"

My goal is to crank out a piece tonight. Cause it's really all up there in my brain. I swear. Over the past month or so, I've collected enough experiences and random bits to work with quite indefinitely. So I'm gonna put that pen to paper and change the course of my present, therefore polishing my future, and dulling my past. It's something to be thankful for, a way to erase the pain & supficialities of the life we're currently leading. Seriously. For all of my talk about the life I want to lead, what am I doing to jumpstart my transition from upper caste-victim to that higher ideal I have set for myself? Nothing. Well, not nothing, but easily not enough. For all we talk about wanting to change our lives and how disgusted we are with where we are, as a whole, we do extremely little to actually alter our position. Why? Mostly because we like to say that we're so bored of our lives, and that we're being held back by our surroundings (location and otherwise), to have something else to blame. Because if we were truly to take our lives into our own hands, we would be great. We could do things. We could go places, and be contented with the decisions we make. But instead we chooce to leave life as the easy scapegoat. And you know what? I'm sick of it, and done with it.

"you said that night that we might run away / and yes we'll end up in some better place / and once we'd gone there'd be no coming back"

I'm taking the plunge. Back down the rabbithole for Danielle. Maybe the fear of rejection pushed me out. Maybe rejection itself pushed me out. But I'm going back and there is nothing that a single one of you can do about it.

"i can't pretend i need to defend some part of me from you / i know i've spent some time all lying"

Welcome back to Wonderland, darling. We've missed you, and don't you lie and say you haven't missed this part of yourself. You knew it all along. We are only your figments of hope and success. Continue on, lonely daughter; we hold nothing for you but yourself. Continue on, hopeless sprite; this life is dead for you, and will be forevermore. So go die a death more articulate. Dance swiftly into the coffin of your own beautiful repose.

"here i've been lucid / i'm living within / inwardly urgent / i'm sinking again / the lighthouse"

Will you be missed?

i think i'm sick but i might be well.

So I've been feeling pretty sick all day long. I actually couldn't finish the class I was taking at the gym this morning. I totally pansied out, and I'm not very happy about that.

"that silence isn't fooling anyone"

I've been having this conversatoin with a certain Jones that has gotten to be quite interesting. Basically, the only reason I even contacted him after my trip to STL was to pester him and make him feel lousy for making me so mad whilst at Six Flags that one day. This, however, has transformed into a highly informative talk about live, perception, and fears. I'm not the only one whose greatest fear is to be alone. In fact, there are more people who share that concern than I could possibly know, I've come to realize over the past while. Maybe those people who are afraid of being alone just need to come together. Because they have the same priorities. And I think that we look at things differently, honestly. We see things from a tainted viewpoint. Life is more about preservation and maintenance than curing the strife.

"every little thing she does is magic"

I'm actually real sad right now, for no particular reason I guess. But I'm working through it and really just trying to see things as rationally as possible. You should all know that that may be somewhat difficult for yours truly.

"ohh a working class face glares back at me / from the glass and lurches / oh forgive me on the streets i ran / turn sickness into popular song"

I'm gonna write something slightly more... Intelligent later. Right now, I'm on to the great job hunt it appears. Let's do this.

totally not cool.

The fear of rejection is no longer a fear, it is a reality. And no I'd rather not talk about it, or even acknowledge it's existance, but rather hint at it now to preface the following post, then forget about it.

I'm some sort of two year old. Some white beacon of purity and innocence that cannot be tainted by the pressures of this world. At least that's everyone's excuse nowadays. I can't even handle this. It's not so much the rejection, but the crap behind it. The fact that you don't want to mess with this? I don't think so. Shove your head back up where it belongs.

Why am I not in Scotland yet?

This is heartbreak, and this is bloody. I am not who I am being persecuted for being. Call in Sydney. C'est fini.

public enemy.

I just need to think out loud. Because right now I'm having a really hard time getting around the grey matter in my head. There's actually something up there apparently. How do I know? Cause it hurts. Massive.

"what i want is what i need / she's a public enemy"

So this guy gets a hold of me. And we've had an itneresting history I suppose you could say. Not interesting enough to share all of the details, however. And really, they're fairly well known anyhow. But we started talking last week and decided we should hang out some time this week, get coffee or something like that. (We got coffee before my loooong rehearsal that one day, at 7am. It's just kinda what we do.) Well whatever, I wasn't exactly expecting to hear much from him until maybe Wednesday or something. Just to get some details together. Except that obviously I was wrong. Today around 4 or so I got a sound file from him on my phone. It was some song, and although I couldn't pick out many of the lyrics (the sound quality when you record, send & play back via cell phones leaves much to be desired), I could clearly discern the line "you're the only reason i'm trying". So I asked him what was going on, and received the reply, "I think I still really like you and if that means changing and staying clean then so be it". So he wants to get clean for me in a roundabout way. What the hey ho am I supposed to do now? It isn't like things are just supposed to go back to the way they were. Cause I mean, before the whole INCIDENT (dun dun dunnnnnn... what a load of crap that was) things were good. I was happy. (I know, right?)

"i'll make it seem like i'm stronger but i'm quite the actor / but now i'm so caught up and i can't escape this pattern / but when i started losing hope, there you were, there you bloomed"

And it isn't like my life hasn't moved on. Because trust me, it has. I've got other things going on. One thing you learn through life in the fast lane: the social scene changes every second. Il y a quelques instants? Yeah. Something just changed. I promise. Life will ALWAYS move on without you. That's another thing I've picked up on lately. This whole living two separate lives (one in Denver, one in STL) has really screwed things up. When I'm here, my friends back home change. They form new relationships, understand themselves differently, and change drastically. When I'm back there, I have much catching up to do. Whilst there, however, the people in Denver are also moving on at lifespeed, with or without me. There's so much to think about, always.

"let's get down in barcelona / i like romancing but i don't wanna / let's get down in barcelona / tonight we're dancing like tomorrow / falling down, falling down, touch the ground, touch the ground / going mad, going mad, not too bad, not too bad"

I'm a little lost, I've got these fishies in my head, but I'm really gonna be okay. I get through it every time. Mini episodes contribute to the greater picture. And I'm no Michelangelo. This is the black cloud of Kandinsky's Woman. You must work through the cloud to reach the flower, waiting patiently upon the side table.

i wonder when i'll hit the ground.

So I guess I finally got through to him. Too bad for him that it was entirely too late. There isn't a chance in hell of things ever going back to even half of what they used to be. Am I remorseful? Aye. How much? Not much. Because for once I'm doing something that's good for ME first, and then all else second.

"come on get gone / the night is young / i'm blackin out / but it's been fun"

I have this urge to just sit aorund and watch movies today. It's the perfect weather. It can't decide if it wants to rain or not. I'm not doing anything else, really, so why shouldn't I just waste another day doing nothing? Fight Club and Boondock Saints sounds like a good combination, don't you think? I should be reading for AP Lit, but something in me right now is completely against productive whatsoever. Most likely just cause I'm a moron, but ya know. Whatev.

"boom sha lacka / he's walkin up to me / boom sha lacka / he starts talkin to me"

Yeah. I don't know. I'm kind of in a weird mood right now. Maybe I'll figure something out.

the pillar of damage control.

I'm sitting around listening to all of my new music. It's a glorious feeling. Right now I'm plowing through the new Green Day album. It's actually pretty good so far, but they have about 16 songs left to make me hate them. I've just sort of figured however that I need to fall in love with them in order to fully enjoy the show in August. So there ya go. Also on the Recently Added playlist... The Virgins, We Are Scientists, NYLON Summer Playlist, new Kings of Leon, old Kings of Leon. Yeah, something like that.

"the one that's falling through the cracks"

So to rant about things that no one cares about. Got in touch with good old Danny boy again today. Hanging later this week. Can I borrow a Rosary from a good Catholic boy or girl?

"i'll tell you everything i know / every little thing i know"

Speaking of Danny, someone has started calling me Dannie lately and I absolutely love it. I don't know why. Soemthing about having a weird nickname has always been the coolest to me. That makes me lame. But that's alright. I've always been open to that.

"i'm doing my thing / i'm coming this way / my beat is correct / please enjoy"

So I just told someone that I was no longer going to participate in their life. It sounds so harsh. Considering I was once head over heels in love with this particular person. Unfortunately, they could never accept it, and to this day I doubt they would recognize the feelings I had for them. But their life has become a mess of consumption and waste and turnover, a purgatorial trigger I can't handle at this point. My own life is enough for me to concentrate on for the rest of the time I am blessed with on the rock; I can't take another into my own hands. And besides, I have tried. I have tried time and time again to take control here and fix things for this person, or try to be the silenced conscience, or just give the good advice I seem to lack on occasion, but it never took. I put so much faith in him, and I got burned worse than I could imagine. But not just once, but several different times, to the point that now, all of the pain I've been cost by this one individual has blurred together into a rainbow, smeared and ruined. A rainbow filled with every shade of black you can imagine. How beautiful it must be in comparison to those gaudy hues of pastel lies. How beautiful I must be. What's worse, I've lost my ability to place faith in anything other than the concrete. The abstract has become the enemy, and here I sit, alone, for the idea of anything less than a breathing body next to my own is no longer sufficient. And how I ramble.

If I said I was truly happy, would you believe me? You can see how I fall to pieces, but if I called it a facade, would you fucking shut up and take it like a man? Or turn away and lay blame. No. That's you.

faberge falls for shuggie.

So here's the deal ladies (Grace) & gentlemen (Keegan). (My audience consists of two people who already know what's going on BEFORE I blog about it.) I flew back from St. Louis last night. It was the biggest pain the butt ever due to flight delays and a lack of cash for bagels even though I ended up getting one anyhow and whatnot, but here I am, alive and mostly in one piece. The trip itself was actually pretty great. I was worried about fighting with Lindsay, but that never really came up. We spent probably 90% of our time together (I opted out to see some family from about 9 til 1 AM one night, and chatted with some old friends while we were at Six Flags together) and only had like two awkward tiffs, if that. I was able to see a few old friends and some family members that haven't attended family get togethers in the last two years, making our correspondence completely impossible.

"i can say i hope it will be worth what i give up if i could stand of mean for the things that i believe"

Lindsay also semi-set me up with a guy. A boy. Oh dear. As you probably know, I'm fairly OVER people, especially those of the male persuasion. So when her not-quite-boyfriend Dylan brought his best friend Gannon over to the house, I wasn't exactly OPEN to the idea of being even remotely nice to either of the boys. He impressed me as witty and slightly goofy. Whatever. Who cares. Well the boys just happened to be there when we went to Six Flags the next day, and due to our shared dislike for Mr. Freeze, Gannon and I got to talking about (of all things, gasp) music. We had really similar tastes and it was kinda nice to talk to someone who had intelligent views on bands like Green Day and White Stripes. Our conversation continued in line for the next ride, and as we were leaving he asked about my departure and whatnot. I was very excited because he showed an interest in me similar to the one I had in him. The four of us hung out the next day, watching A Beautiful Mind at Lindsay's, then having dinner at Pasta House, both activities courtesy of yours truly. And the rest is history, really. Details would bore you all, and we all know I don't want to drag on about something no one cares about...

"have you seen me cry tears like diamonds / down and down they fly, faster and faster like the speed of our love / batting a thousand, but a homerun crack at love / there is where i tell you that, i know that love's what i need to work at, oh"

So here I am, sitting in bed, on round two of coffee, this time a short, skinny vanilla latte, listening to the free playlist I snagged from NYLON, talking to a few different people, and really just pondering all of the things I've been through lately. I find it amazing how much I have changed and essentially how much I have not. The tough times make you feel like you have to change, I've realized. They make you think that what you're doing is wrong, and obviously your person is just a big mess. But when you sit down and think about it, you can make tiny character adjustments that may be an improvement, but essentially you will never change. Never. That's just the way it is. Why? Probably because everytime I've gotten screwed over, although I will admit the fault was partially mine, it was mostly the fault of someone else being a terrible excuse for a person. The only changes I've made are to be a nicer and more well-rounded person, and also to become more grounded in myself. Basically, I haven't changed who I am, but become more aware of who I am. And I'm really liking the way that that sounds right about now.

"don't meddle with the heart / or meddle with the mind / or meddle with the things that are inside / don't know what you'll find / don't know what she hides"

Love you all (two).

why don't you leave me alone.

I don't have much to say. I'm flying out of here tomorrow morning, and coming back Thursday night. If this doesn't help things, I don't know what will. Okay just kidding I do but THAT isn't going to happen.

"how you gonna feel when she turns around / and says 'you broke another heart that was broken down'?"

pancakes for one.

I'm kind of stuck in this mood where everything SUCKS. Yeah. That's where we're at. Being optimistic and happy is so fun. But so draining and difficult when you just don't have it in you anymore. And that is what I'm experiencing currently. All I can look forward to is going back home Sunday. But even that has lost it's shine. I worry about fighting with Lindsay instead of enjoying our time together. I worry about discovering that I no longer matter to all of those people I still miss immensely. I worry about what I said to Justin last night because all I really did was make myself sound like an idiot, and even though I worry that I screwed up his life, I know that isn't even possible because I don't matter anymore.

"i always loved you, you always had a lot of style / i'd hate to see you on the pile / of 'nearly made it's, you've got the essence, dear / if i could have a second skin i'd probably dress up in you"

I've got this analogy going about puzzles, and how I'm just a puzzle piece trying to be smooshed into the wrong puzzle essentially. I came from another box, but I don't know where that box is. I have such a good idea of what the picture is. I know what I want to picture on the box to look like, and therefore the puzzle as well. But I don't know where to find the right puzzle. Keegan said I need to find the person to show me, but I don't know where to find them either. The conversation I had with Leah last night revolved around the fact that we're 16 and already looking for that person and it's really just quite draining because we're depressed from not finding them but essentially we have no means and it's unrealistic. It's such a crushing defeat. I don't even know where to go with myself now.

"whose house are you haunting tonight?"

I've lived my whole life forward, forward, never thinking for the present. I know I will reap the benefits of that in the future. I will be happy, successful, contented and beautifully in place. But right now I am suffering through the mishaps and hellacious misfortune of not thinking for the present whatsoever. So I guess I'll go drink a latte.

don't complicate my peace of mind.

Excuse me. But I'm back. And I'm kickin. Here's the deal kiddies. I've been dealing with some seriously crappy crap lately. And I ain't puttin up with it anymore. Stick that in your juice box. Seriously. I'm done letting other people define who I am. Because I love who I am, right now. Listening to dios malos or something, sipping on coffee that is not even warm anymore, talking to Keegan about shamwow & JR about the fact that his name is JR. My self-culture is profound, my loyalty unyielding, and my intelligence admirable. I have the best friends in the world, always there when I need them, and I return that favour when need be. I know that when I text my girls about what some tool did to me, there will be a phone call within 30 seconds with them SCREAMING their asses off about what manparts said tool would be missing if she had the opportunity to track him down.

"gold teeth are the curse of this town / they're all in my mouth / but i don't know how"

I don't need a guy to get me through anything. At all. In fact, I'm probably better off without a guy for the time being. Why? Because there is no point in wasting my time and energy on a guy that doesn't complete me perfectly. When I'm in a relationship, I give my ALL to it, and treat him like he's the bee's knees. If I'm not going to get that back, it's not worth my own efforts. Heartbreak is never welcome.

"i'll never get it / cause i'll never grow old / and i'm never as tired as when i'm wakin up / though it feels like i'm in love again / but not with you"

So hello world. This is Danielle, no longer afraid to be who she is. Because if someone can't handle ALL of this, the ridiculous dancing, the pointless blathering, the four am phone calls, the caffeine crashes, the bad taste in fashion, then I don't want anything to do with them. They don't deserve me at that point; the problem then is passed from me to them.

you are the fortunate one.

"it hurts to feel anything / the heart is just a muscle / and it's beating through a selfish man"

I don't know what to say at this point. It sounds so pathetic and false. But I've never been in a position like this that truly hurts so badly, and I'm straight up being TOLD that everything is fine. Like really? Alright. So if that's what you want, that's just dandy. Everything is now FINE. I'm not going to do anything to try to fix any of this. I'm not even going to initiate any more of that conversation. I'm going to pretend that everything is perfect, and act as such. I'm going to keep my distance, but make affectionate contact when necessary to keep things afloat. Because as much as I hate to say it, I think we need each other in a sick and disgusting way. It literally turns my stomach to think about what I'm going through for the sake of a distant ideal. But maybe time will bring about what I'm waiting for. Because if there's going to be an arm's length distance, I'm gonna crush that arm into a million bloody, shattered pieces. I'm gonna win. I'm gonna break it. And then I'll be okay. Until then, I need a latte, stat.

let's cut our boxes at both ends.

I don't know what to say anymore. I'm very confused and very unsure about what to do. I'm "sleeping on it" apparently. Ugh... I would ask for help but I am too embarrassed. Not ashamed. Never regret. Never ever. But embarrassed, maybe, yeah...