look outside the raincoats coming.

Wow I am really tired. Just thought I'd share that to start things off.



"can you stop? / me i'm not / can you stop? / come on me i'm not / please"



So I'm kind of mid-revelation, if you'd like to label it that way. Which I would, actually. So there you go. Basically I'm just kind of drifting because I have hit the point where I am fully aware that none of this matters. The life I am building for myself is only dependent upon myself. The friends I have or don't have are going to fade for the most part. This isn't meant to offend anyone, but let's be realistic. I plan on going to a school out east, whether that happens to be within this country or not. Chances are, I'm not going to know anyone going in, and the kicker is that once I have my degree, I'm not coming back here, or to St. Louis, or anywhere I've previously been. I'll be out, going, doing. Therefore I have been putting all of my energies into building a prosperous future for myself: marching band for the application; four AP classes and more slated for next year for my GPA, application, and general knowledge so I don't make a fool of myself; things like writing tutors also for my application. I research the things I want to study so that I have a clear picture of what my life will become once I achieve what I am striving for at present. I know where I'm going. The most frustrating part is not being able to get there. Each day drags on and on. But the worst part is that the things I am forsaking now for the ease of the future are now driving me crazy. It's difficult not really focusing on your social life when you're burnt out on a Friday night, sitting alone at home, knowing that you can't make plans because there's no one who would want to hang out with you. For lack of a better term, it sucks.



"i can't keep counting on irrelevant friends / if everybody knows how it's gonna end / why doesn't someone stop me?"



I feel alone. Some days I feel alone because I need to feel that way. I figure it will make my life easier. Sometimes it is just better to keep a distance. Other days I know that I am alone because people don't like me. I can be a harsh, critical, pessimistic person that people don't like to be around. I explain this by saying that most people just don't understand me (nor do they take the time to do so), and really this gets me back to why I don't try with a lot of people: the people I will meet in the future will actually want to get to understand me because they will not be sixteen and seventeen year old drama leeches. So why bother? Why waste who I am on people who don't get it already, or won't put it to good use over time?

"eyes burning away to me / overwhelm / destroying so sweetly"

High school is the epic demise of your life. Stop pretending that it means something. All it does is allow you to abuse your potential and see people for what they can allow themselves to become in a disgustingly appropriate fashion. You are something above this. You mean more. Please darling don't fall because your standards are independent of the mockery of a life those around you are leading. And oh don't you see it, the beautiful colors you're mixing for tomorrow. Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow we will paint and we will paint and we will paint.

"i just want i just want love / something / something for nothing / yeah something / something for nothing / i'm a beggar and a chooser / i'm a accused / an accuser / but nothing's unconditional"

i wonder when i'll hit the ground.

So I guess I finally got through to him. Too bad for him that it was entirely too late. There isn't a chance in hell of things ever going back to even half of what they used to be. Am I remorseful? Aye. How much? Not much. Because for once I'm doing something that's good for ME first, and then all else second.

"come on get gone / the night is young / i'm blackin out / but it's been fun"

I have this urge to just sit aorund and watch movies today. It's the perfect weather. It can't decide if it wants to rain or not. I'm not doing anything else, really, so why shouldn't I just waste another day doing nothing? Fight Club and Boondock Saints sounds like a good combination, don't you think? I should be reading for AP Lit, but something in me right now is completely against productive whatsoever. Most likely just cause I'm a moron, but ya know. Whatev.

"boom sha lacka / he's walkin up to me / boom sha lacka / he starts talkin to me"

Yeah. I don't know. I'm kind of in a weird mood right now. Maybe I'll figure something out.

i awoke from lucid dreams...

"it's hard to rely on the rhythm section when they're all packing up and they're heading for the exist / yeah we're all just the same, a bunch of slaves to fashion / who are tall, dark and scared and just praying for some action"

Apparently I'm doing stuff this weekend? Going to Zach's tonight, doing strike tomorrow, going shopping tomorrow, studying, ghahgiurhejvne. I've kinda been down with the whole sit around and do nothing plan. Whatever.

"while i move away, hard times don't come until tomorrow / these eyes don't see, take you skin off when you're listenin to me / move away, hard times don't come until tomorrow / these eyes in me take you skin off when you're talkin to me"

1984 Day was silly. Silly is my new favorite word. But I did get some major cred from Mr. Hinman twice today for my solos last night. Positive? Yeahh.

"where did you go? oh where did you go? falling about, you took a left off last laugh lane"

And it really scared me today, because I'm standing there talking to this stupid boy and I finally saw something in him that I hadn't seen before, and I literally went to walk away, but noticed this and kinda made a weird face and came back for a minute. It was bizarre. But it was just like... He looked like he had grown up. Actually grown up. I don't know how to explain it, except for trying to put the sheer ridiculosity of the situation into words, which I don't even have the energy for right now.

"mascara bleeds a blackened tear / and i am cold i am old / at least as old as you are"

I have so many good ideas for pieces to write this weekend. I'm ridiculously excited about it actually. I love the idea of finally getting around to formulating and flowing around some of the theses I've come up with. It's seriously like the best thing that's going to come out of this weekend.

"it's almost too easy / i'm holding you by the hand / more like the nape of your neck / why don't you draw up a list you have to frequently check? / and put some things in order"

Who knows. Things are changing. I hate myself for thinking this way. But things are changing back to the way they used to be. Why? Because I had my dreams stolen from me. Literally out of my hands, my arms, my eyes, my mind. I got screwed over for no reason, and I'm not really a big fan of that in all honesty. But now of course I'm going back to the situation to fix things and get back what is mine. This is mine. Don't you even try to get in my way. I'm taking what I want from now on. Because I can. Because I deserve it. Because no one else does.

"how am i supposed to know what makes this happen?"