look outside the raincoats coming.

Wow I am really tired. Just thought I'd share that to start things off.



"can you stop? / me i'm not / can you stop? / come on me i'm not / please"



So I'm kind of mid-revelation, if you'd like to label it that way. Which I would, actually. So there you go. Basically I'm just kind of drifting because I have hit the point where I am fully aware that none of this matters. The life I am building for myself is only dependent upon myself. The friends I have or don't have are going to fade for the most part. This isn't meant to offend anyone, but let's be realistic. I plan on going to a school out east, whether that happens to be within this country or not. Chances are, I'm not going to know anyone going in, and the kicker is that once I have my degree, I'm not coming back here, or to St. Louis, or anywhere I've previously been. I'll be out, going, doing. Therefore I have been putting all of my energies into building a prosperous future for myself: marching band for the application; four AP classes and more slated for next year for my GPA, application, and general knowledge so I don't make a fool of myself; things like writing tutors also for my application. I research the things I want to study so that I have a clear picture of what my life will become once I achieve what I am striving for at present. I know where I'm going. The most frustrating part is not being able to get there. Each day drags on and on. But the worst part is that the things I am forsaking now for the ease of the future are now driving me crazy. It's difficult not really focusing on your social life when you're burnt out on a Friday night, sitting alone at home, knowing that you can't make plans because there's no one who would want to hang out with you. For lack of a better term, it sucks.



"i can't keep counting on irrelevant friends / if everybody knows how it's gonna end / why doesn't someone stop me?"



I feel alone. Some days I feel alone because I need to feel that way. I figure it will make my life easier. Sometimes it is just better to keep a distance. Other days I know that I am alone because people don't like me. I can be a harsh, critical, pessimistic person that people don't like to be around. I explain this by saying that most people just don't understand me (nor do they take the time to do so), and really this gets me back to why I don't try with a lot of people: the people I will meet in the future will actually want to get to understand me because they will not be sixteen and seventeen year old drama leeches. So why bother? Why waste who I am on people who don't get it already, or won't put it to good use over time?

"eyes burning away to me / overwhelm / destroying so sweetly"

High school is the epic demise of your life. Stop pretending that it means something. All it does is allow you to abuse your potential and see people for what they can allow themselves to become in a disgustingly appropriate fashion. You are something above this. You mean more. Please darling don't fall because your standards are independent of the mockery of a life those around you are leading. And oh don't you see it, the beautiful colors you're mixing for tomorrow. Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow we will paint and we will paint and we will paint.

"i just want i just want love / something / something for nothing / yeah something / something for nothing / i'm a beggar and a chooser / i'm a accused / an accuser / but nothing's unconditional"

this is all i see.

I feel like I've neglected to blog lately mostly because I have. There's been a lot going on but at the same time, hardly anything,. I've been the happiest I've been and I've had some epic downers. I feel stability riding underfoot right before it crumbles beneath my weight. I try talking to people who don't understand only to realize that I don't understand, either. But we've been here before, have we not? Sometimes I think that I'm not meant to be understood, because if I were, there would have been some sort of inkling in that direction by now. But maybe I expect too much.

"it's just the one that i had / it's just the one for me tonight / it's just the two of us here / it's just the two of us now / and we can talk about it all"

The run-down goes something like this. I'm ridiculously stressed because of my classes (my schedule is like death), band, family problems, and the increasingly difficult nature of maintaining my relationships. I hit my breaking point Thursday night, ignored it because I absolutely had to finish my homework, passed out, and last night hit the same wall but couldn't ignore how I felt. I was a disaster. I guess I felt better after watching a movie over at Justin's, but I really just needed some sleep. My current lack of sleep has been an absolute disaster as far as I'm concerned. It's seriously not okay anymore. I'm cracking up. And no, that is not meant in a good way. There is so much stress and negative energy coming down on me and I don't really know how to handle it yet. I'm still in transfer-mode from summer and here we go, Day One, four AP classes plus the French ordeal and band. Not to mention tutors has me in the door for first period three days a week. What is going on. This is a mess. I don't even know what to do or say about it. I just want to sleep and eat. Keep myself alive. But that isn't exactly what I have the time to do at this point.

"little girl yeah / don't have to tell you it's the hardest part"

Also, because of band, I can't go to the Franz Ferdinand concert tonight. THANKS, BRANDON AND HINMAN. Just thought I'd get that out. Because I've only been looking for ward to it for like. three or four months. Ya know. No big.

"there's no way he could win / just had to take it on the chin"

I feel like I'm just kind of floundering. I don't want to tread and spit. I want to make a lap pool out of the ocean. I want to take the world by its stupid head and shake it around and tell it to behave and cut the crap. I'm still working on it. Let me get back to you on that.

drivin me under.

First off, I haven't blogged in about eighteen years. Second off, things in my life have changed so drastically over the past week or whatever that this is going to be a very briefly detailed blog simply because I don't have the patience to talk about things in detail. Here we go.

"i'm hard to replace as you cry your evil eyes out"

My parents are separating. Wow. Isn't that fun. I'm just worried about my sisters. My feelings are superfluous at this point. In the two solid hours I spent talking with Justin about what happened today, the conversation was entirely centered on my sisters, and how I was going to get them through this.

"bones sinkin like stones / all that we fought for"

I'm finally stable. Seriously. I found my balance point this week. Way to go and screw things up, Mom & Dad. Really appreciate it.

"let's pretend we don't exist / let's pretend we're in antarctica"

I don't know when I'm going to finish writing something that means something. It just can't happen when things like this steal my attention.

oh, i am flying to istanbul.

One bad trip apparently holds more weight than losing the best person that has ever been in your life. Kiss my sharries, O my brother.

"i'm gonna give my aimless love / my angry heart / my desire"

I really don't have anything else to say. Except Ham on Rye by Bukowski was seriously one of the best works I've ever read, strictly stylistically, and the story clearly embodied the very words written. Love. Do read. I have a copy if anyone wants to share. Next on the hit parade is Catcher in the Rye, but only because if I don't I'll be some sort of literari outcast. I'm not even looking forward to it simply because of the ridiculous mainstream affectation. Whatever. Then Doctor Zhivago, the great Red novel. Thank God I'll be back to things I'll have to actually think about.

you see her.

So. I'm sitting in my room. I was in bed but I migrated to my table. Reading Bukowski. Amazing? Yeah. I think so. Drinking a raspberry iced tea. And I realize that this is the type of life I want to have.

"if this is it, all we have and ever will / if this is it, time is running out and standing still"

I am a literary piece of work, fueled by chai, driven by desire, and truly empowered with the gift of les mots in lesser density.

"i'll leave today cause there's nothing left to keep me here / i'll fade away, i'll turn my back and disappear"

Trust me: mine is a name that you will want to remember.

"you want to / but she won't let you"

can you read my mind?

I was writing something here last night and then my internet went out literally as I was adding the tags, because it's cool like that. Ugh. This is what I had written.

"are you lonely now?"

Here is what a normal person should write in their blog: Today was good, because amidst all of the fighting with parents and drama that remains unsolved, I got new earrings and almost bought these turquoise shoes but decided against it because I'd rather buy new Sanuks for the summer. I also made bank as far as I'm concered and locked up a job for next weekend. Yay for my life.

"time won't let me go"

But as we all know I'm not normal and so here I commence with the sort of blog you've all grown to expect and love.

"i had my back turned / you didn't realize i'm lonely"

I'm getting through Clockwork Orange and absolutely loving it. About twenty odd pages left. It's totally bringing back my Russian roots. Love that. I actually sent a text that said 'xopowo' tonight. I sent a message that said 'horrowshow' before as well, but taking it to Cyrillic just changes it. Totally new caliber of retardation there. Fabulous. I almost don't want to read the last chapter however. Why? Because it totally changes things between the American and British versions. Oy.

"i'm just a crosshair / i'm just a shot then we can die / i know i won't be leaving here / with you"

Oh and I really want to invent a definitive language like Burgess did with nadsat. I love it. And Franz is still my favorite band ever, no matter how much Born Ruffians I listened to after the show. And Take Me Out makes me want to cry tears of joy. It's like the wax dripping, finalizing the fact that yes, this is amazing incarnate. Here's the signature, seal her up, send it on out, this is my life.

"and we don't notice any time pass / we don't notice anything / we sit side by side in every class / teacher thinks that i sound funny / but she likes the way you sing"

I'm in the process of making some very important decisions right now. It's really quite scary cause I feel like I'm on my oddy knocky but I know I'm really not. Okay see there was the Russian bit again. Bog help me.... Forget it.

"and if you feel a little left behind / we will wait for you on the other side"

Seriously though. This is really sort of screwing with me. I think if I just take another few days like I have been (coffee, Pandora loop, no homework, sitting in bed) I might be able to come up with what's up here. Which is good. Yay. Because everything is pulling out from underneath me, and all I've got left are mes mots, my less than one density keeping me afloat. Dear God, don't let me lose them. Don't let me lose him. Not again.

"she don't think straight / no no no she don't think straight"

smile like you mean it.

"ich heisse superphantastisch / ich trinke shampus mit lachsfisch"

I am breaking hearts and taking names.

"you can feel my lips undress your eyes undress your eyes undress your eyes / skin can feel my lips they tingle tense anticipation on it / this one is an easy one / feel the word and melt upon it / words of love, words so leisured, words are poisoned darts of pleasure / die, and so you die"

I just wasn't aware of it.

"and it's the thousandth time and it's even bolder / don't be surprised when you get bent over / they told ya, but you were dying for it / she saw it and she grabbed it and it wasn't what it seemed / the kids all dream of making it, whatever that means"


She's got standards.

i awoke from lucid dreams...

"it's hard to rely on the rhythm section when they're all packing up and they're heading for the exist / yeah we're all just the same, a bunch of slaves to fashion / who are tall, dark and scared and just praying for some action"

Apparently I'm doing stuff this weekend? Going to Zach's tonight, doing strike tomorrow, going shopping tomorrow, studying, ghahgiurhejvne. I've kinda been down with the whole sit around and do nothing plan. Whatever.

"while i move away, hard times don't come until tomorrow / these eyes don't see, take you skin off when you're listenin to me / move away, hard times don't come until tomorrow / these eyes in me take you skin off when you're talkin to me"

1984 Day was silly. Silly is my new favorite word. But I did get some major cred from Mr. Hinman twice today for my solos last night. Positive? Yeahh.

"where did you go? oh where did you go? falling about, you took a left off last laugh lane"

And it really scared me today, because I'm standing there talking to this stupid boy and I finally saw something in him that I hadn't seen before, and I literally went to walk away, but noticed this and kinda made a weird face and came back for a minute. It was bizarre. But it was just like... He looked like he had grown up. Actually grown up. I don't know how to explain it, except for trying to put the sheer ridiculosity of the situation into words, which I don't even have the energy for right now.

"mascara bleeds a blackened tear / and i am cold i am old / at least as old as you are"

I have so many good ideas for pieces to write this weekend. I'm ridiculously excited about it actually. I love the idea of finally getting around to formulating and flowing around some of the theses I've come up with. It's seriously like the best thing that's going to come out of this weekend.

"it's almost too easy / i'm holding you by the hand / more like the nape of your neck / why don't you draw up a list you have to frequently check? / and put some things in order"

Who knows. Things are changing. I hate myself for thinking this way. But things are changing back to the way they used to be. Why? Because I had my dreams stolen from me. Literally out of my hands, my arms, my eyes, my mind. I got screwed over for no reason, and I'm not really a big fan of that in all honesty. But now of course I'm going back to the situation to fix things and get back what is mine. This is mine. Don't you even try to get in my way. I'm taking what I want from now on. Because I can. Because I deserve it. Because no one else does.

"how am i supposed to know what makes this happen?"

yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever, never.

Backing up the orchestra tonight. Approximately 6 solos. Um.

"and i don't need to satisfy tonight"

1984 Day tomorrow. Exciting? Sure.

"this will all blow over in time"

I've got all these things and people and place floating around in my head. Dreams numbers and words, les mots les mots les mots. But let's not stop there. MES mots. Mes mots mes mots mes mots. Lost at sea lost at sea lost at sea. I can't add up because I don't divide quite right, but maybe that's the question. The mistakes I've been making are putting irrationality between me and my future. But does anything really hold your future? You, your hands, and the ridiculous cal you spew to my mind. You have this immaculately unfortunate power to ruin everything with one glance.

"i must believe there's more above us and below / i must believe stranded with this bitch called hope / it keeps me here when all i wanna do is go / it keeps me here when all i wanna do is disappear"

I want you to cry, I want you to hurt, I want you to know the pain of being the reason for the downfall of the person you love more than anything else in the world. I want to see you smile, hear your laugh, be there to laugh at you when you act stupid and to return the favor.

"if i'm tired i'm tired of tellin you / i'm never tired / i'm always better than you"

So I guess it's in my hands to fix this now, n'est-ce pas? Well guess what, I'm always right. And I always win. And I always come out on top. So suck it up. This IS going to suck, and you aren't always going to like it. Nope. But maybe if I fix you, we can fix us.

"i can't crack / we're on top, we're on top / we bring the bump to the grind, oh ho i don't mind"

Oh. And you. Not the you aforementioned, but a separate you. How about we don't make Danielle feel like crap? And how about you just figure out what's going on in your ever-so-much-more important life before you act like you care about me. Peace out.

"the fallen are the virtuous among us / walk among us / yeah we're all damned"