so, so many things.

It would be apropriate that to say the last few days have been an absolute blur of happy, sad, fury, and all time lows.

"i get nervous when she comes around / when she comes around / when she comes around yeah"

I'm home sick right now, which is something I absolutely hate. Everybody knows that I don't skip school if it can be avoided. Make up work is the bane of my existance, andsitting around doing nothing when I should be at school prepping for finals really frustrates me. But last night might have my life. Seriously. Apparently I got some award for being good at Social Studies. I'm still waiting on an email from Mr. Anderson to hear about what actually went down, since nobody else seems to be in the persuasion of actually telling me anything besides giving me crap for being too sick to show. But something else happened. Oh dear. Did something else ever happen.

"let me know don't let me be / it's almost too easy"

A boy. The boy. Well. He doesn't know he's the boy. Maybe he does. Whatever. Anyhow. He basicall sorta ish asked me on a date Friday night. Except I'm not sure if it's actually a "date" per se, but I do know that I am SUPER excited because I didn't see this even being possible. Upon reflection I don't know if it is a date. So and so says that yes, it would be, based on what he said. But then I think about it and doubt clouds my once crystal perception, like it has this infalliable habit of doing. It's terrible. Really. I love my life.

"when i'm feeling lazy it's probably because / i'm saving all my energy to pick up / when you move into my airspace / move into my airspace"

No seriously. I love my life. Everything's kind of falling out from underneath me. But I couldn't be happier. Let's do this.

"let's dance to joy division/ & celebrate the irony / cause everything is going wrong / but we're so happy"

i awoke from lucid dreams...

"it's hard to rely on the rhythm section when they're all packing up and they're heading for the exist / yeah we're all just the same, a bunch of slaves to fashion / who are tall, dark and scared and just praying for some action"

Apparently I'm doing stuff this weekend? Going to Zach's tonight, doing strike tomorrow, going shopping tomorrow, studying, ghahgiurhejvne. I've kinda been down with the whole sit around and do nothing plan. Whatever.

"while i move away, hard times don't come until tomorrow / these eyes don't see, take you skin off when you're listenin to me / move away, hard times don't come until tomorrow / these eyes in me take you skin off when you're talkin to me"

1984 Day was silly. Silly is my new favorite word. But I did get some major cred from Mr. Hinman twice today for my solos last night. Positive? Yeahh.

"where did you go? oh where did you go? falling about, you took a left off last laugh lane"

And it really scared me today, because I'm standing there talking to this stupid boy and I finally saw something in him that I hadn't seen before, and I literally went to walk away, but noticed this and kinda made a weird face and came back for a minute. It was bizarre. But it was just like... He looked like he had grown up. Actually grown up. I don't know how to explain it, except for trying to put the sheer ridiculosity of the situation into words, which I don't even have the energy for right now.

"mascara bleeds a blackened tear / and i am cold i am old / at least as old as you are"

I have so many good ideas for pieces to write this weekend. I'm ridiculously excited about it actually. I love the idea of finally getting around to formulating and flowing around some of the theses I've come up with. It's seriously like the best thing that's going to come out of this weekend.

"it's almost too easy / i'm holding you by the hand / more like the nape of your neck / why don't you draw up a list you have to frequently check? / and put some things in order"

Who knows. Things are changing. I hate myself for thinking this way. But things are changing back to the way they used to be. Why? Because I had my dreams stolen from me. Literally out of my hands, my arms, my eyes, my mind. I got screwed over for no reason, and I'm not really a big fan of that in all honesty. But now of course I'm going back to the situation to fix things and get back what is mine. This is mine. Don't you even try to get in my way. I'm taking what I want from now on. Because I can. Because I deserve it. Because no one else does.

"how am i supposed to know what makes this happen?"