you don't hold a candle.

"How fatalistic of you." Thanks. I appreciate that. There is an end and you don't get to decide it. There is a journey and only you can navigate it. Someone else chooses your destination; no one else determines your passage to getting there. Regardless, our end is not our own but someone else's, someone who may be generous, or someone who may want to play the omnipotence to the fullest disgrace they could. It isn't even your call. You have no control over your ends. But your means are all yours, only yours. So for everything you're worth, take hold of what you can. Do something with what you're given: the freedom to choose before the end.

look outside the raincoats coming.

Wow I am really tired. Just thought I'd share that to start things off.



"can you stop? / me i'm not / can you stop? / come on me i'm not / please"



So I'm kind of mid-revelation, if you'd like to label it that way. Which I would, actually. So there you go. Basically I'm just kind of drifting because I have hit the point where I am fully aware that none of this matters. The life I am building for myself is only dependent upon myself. The friends I have or don't have are going to fade for the most part. This isn't meant to offend anyone, but let's be realistic. I plan on going to a school out east, whether that happens to be within this country or not. Chances are, I'm not going to know anyone going in, and the kicker is that once I have my degree, I'm not coming back here, or to St. Louis, or anywhere I've previously been. I'll be out, going, doing. Therefore I have been putting all of my energies into building a prosperous future for myself: marching band for the application; four AP classes and more slated for next year for my GPA, application, and general knowledge so I don't make a fool of myself; things like writing tutors also for my application. I research the things I want to study so that I have a clear picture of what my life will become once I achieve what I am striving for at present. I know where I'm going. The most frustrating part is not being able to get there. Each day drags on and on. But the worst part is that the things I am forsaking now for the ease of the future are now driving me crazy. It's difficult not really focusing on your social life when you're burnt out on a Friday night, sitting alone at home, knowing that you can't make plans because there's no one who would want to hang out with you. For lack of a better term, it sucks.



"i can't keep counting on irrelevant friends / if everybody knows how it's gonna end / why doesn't someone stop me?"



I feel alone. Some days I feel alone because I need to feel that way. I figure it will make my life easier. Sometimes it is just better to keep a distance. Other days I know that I am alone because people don't like me. I can be a harsh, critical, pessimistic person that people don't like to be around. I explain this by saying that most people just don't understand me (nor do they take the time to do so), and really this gets me back to why I don't try with a lot of people: the people I will meet in the future will actually want to get to understand me because they will not be sixteen and seventeen year old drama leeches. So why bother? Why waste who I am on people who don't get it already, or won't put it to good use over time?

"eyes burning away to me / overwhelm / destroying so sweetly"

High school is the epic demise of your life. Stop pretending that it means something. All it does is allow you to abuse your potential and see people for what they can allow themselves to become in a disgustingly appropriate fashion. You are something above this. You mean more. Please darling don't fall because your standards are independent of the mockery of a life those around you are leading. And oh don't you see it, the beautiful colors you're mixing for tomorrow. Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow we will paint and we will paint and we will paint.

"i just want i just want love / something / something for nothing / yeah something / something for nothing / i'm a beggar and a chooser / i'm a accused / an accuser / but nothing's unconditional"

& it feels so good.

Okay. First off. I love this new layout. It's cute. And somehow it seems like it legitimately (note proper use of the adverbial form of LEGIT/LEGITIMATE) reflects a change in who you actually are. Leah and I talked about this earlier. So don't scoff. Embrace it.


"need i say i love you / need i say i care / need i say that emotions / are something we don't share?"




So many things have been going on. Let's see. Basically I've realized that going back isn't always such a bad thing. I've restored things with an old friend and I am very excited about that. Like. REAL excited. Cause he's such a great guy. I've also come to the conclusion that I am fully settled and I have a definitive best friend and she makes my day every day. I've forgotten what that's like, having that one friend (not a boyfriend, though, or anything impermanent) that you always meet before your first class, or wait for at lunch before going to get settled where you sit every day, or cram for important tests with because you both kinda forgot the night before. It gives you a feeling of... Well, of a constant force pushing for ya, no matter what. It makes you happy and it's the most fantastic thing ever.



So I was writing this the other day and SO MUCH has happened since then. Okay BASICALLY I'm going to Homecoming with aforementioned great guy. And I have these absolutely gnarly burns all over myself from an alpine slide accident. And they really hurt. My sister and I were going down, having a good time or whatever (she's seven, she thought it was the coolest thing ever, so I naturally did too) and we hit a turn too fast, our balance was off with both of us on, we bailed but the sled dragged us down the concrete, and I yanked my sister on top of me so she wouldn't loose some teeth or anything and lost some serious skin in the process. Owwwww. But it's cool. I have war scars(:

Okay I've left this blog like eighteen times so I'm just going to post it how it is and try again tomorrow when I'm less scatterbrained. Woo hoo.