she says she has no time.

So school has pushed me past my acceptable limits. I am so stressed that every short conversation with my family has become a snapping match. Without a thermos full of coffee Thursday morning, I literally could not function until fourth period. Black and white have faded to grey. It's a disaster. I have no time for anything. I do not sleep. I hardly eat. I am in constant physical pain from sunburn and lack of sleep and dehydration.

"love / like the summer of 69 / move / like we're alone we're alone we're alone in the sea"

But really. I'm very happy. Things are weird and they hurt a little bit and I don't understand them but it all turns out in the end.

"now we're getting on fire / matchsticks in our eyes"

People from my past keep coming back to me. I don't understand it but it's really... It's bizarre. It's like some sort of sign. I don't know. It just seems to me that I don't need to go looking far for what I need. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I've been that way a lot lately. Just don't know what I'm thinking. Here's what I have to say however. This too shall pass. Like. I hate to word things this way, but GET OVER IT. It's harsh but it's real and it's true and it wouldn't hit a nerve if it didn't mean something. I have to tell myself all the time to just shut up and get over it. Think about it. Every time something has broken your heart, shattered your dreams, or made your day just SUCK, what happened? Every time, it was countered. Maybe not directly by a particular action, no. But maybe by time. Yes. We will always be healed. This is I can guarantee. It may take more time than you think is appropriate or that you can handle. But you can do it. I have faith in you, darling. You'll pull through. Take one in the teeth and just wait. Sit down, grab Newsweek and examine the dumb far-side commentary. Please.

"i won't walk away"

Whatever you do, don't make decisions until you're in a position of at least partial healing. Please. I pray that you don't follow my indentation of pain. Don't let go. Hold on tighter. You'll regret it darling, I swear by it as I wake up every morning to the sound of the song that chokes me up and tears me apart. So be good. Soyez sage! Je vous aimez(:

back & forth.

Well here I am again. I should be doing APUSH but I'm not. Well. Whatev. Who really cares? I'll just cram it in tomorrow.

I've had a rough week. Here are the major points.

• Justin dumped me. If you didn't already know, now you do.
• Grandparents drove up from Missouri. Yayy. I love my grandparents(:
• Lot of band. Lot of homework.
• So far I've been asked out by two guys and I seriously want nothing to do with the rest of the world except for like Keegan so it's just a mess.
• I have a lot of *NSync and Backstreet Boys from Haley cause she's amazing(:

That's it. So in case you needed a checklist of my life, you now have it. I'm heartbroken and trying to repair but everyday I have rip my wound open a little more. There it is.

this is all i see.

I feel like I've neglected to blog lately mostly because I have. There's been a lot going on but at the same time, hardly anything,. I've been the happiest I've been and I've had some epic downers. I feel stability riding underfoot right before it crumbles beneath my weight. I try talking to people who don't understand only to realize that I don't understand, either. But we've been here before, have we not? Sometimes I think that I'm not meant to be understood, because if I were, there would have been some sort of inkling in that direction by now. But maybe I expect too much.

"it's just the one that i had / it's just the one for me tonight / it's just the two of us here / it's just the two of us now / and we can talk about it all"

The run-down goes something like this. I'm ridiculously stressed because of my classes (my schedule is like death), band, family problems, and the increasingly difficult nature of maintaining my relationships. I hit my breaking point Thursday night, ignored it because I absolutely had to finish my homework, passed out, and last night hit the same wall but couldn't ignore how I felt. I was a disaster. I guess I felt better after watching a movie over at Justin's, but I really just needed some sleep. My current lack of sleep has been an absolute disaster as far as I'm concerned. It's seriously not okay anymore. I'm cracking up. And no, that is not meant in a good way. There is so much stress and negative energy coming down on me and I don't really know how to handle it yet. I'm still in transfer-mode from summer and here we go, Day One, four AP classes plus the French ordeal and band. Not to mention tutors has me in the door for first period three days a week. What is going on. This is a mess. I don't even know what to do or say about it. I just want to sleep and eat. Keep myself alive. But that isn't exactly what I have the time to do at this point.

"little girl yeah / don't have to tell you it's the hardest part"

Also, because of band, I can't go to the Franz Ferdinand concert tonight. THANKS, BRANDON AND HINMAN. Just thought I'd get that out. Because I've only been looking for ward to it for like. three or four months. Ya know. No big.

"there's no way he could win / just had to take it on the chin"

I feel like I'm just kind of floundering. I don't want to tread and spit. I want to make a lap pool out of the ocean. I want to take the world by its stupid head and shake it around and tell it to behave and cut the crap. I'm still working on it. Let me get back to you on that.

uh.

Seriously. What is wrong with me? Everything's pretty much going fine and now tonight when i was supposed to hang out with Justin and things just didn't work out, I'm flipping out. It's completely ridiculous. I handled the big things this week, and I can't even keep it down from this one small thing? I don't understand myself

drivin me under.

First off, I haven't blogged in about eighteen years. Second off, things in my life have changed so drastically over the past week or whatever that this is going to be a very briefly detailed blog simply because I don't have the patience to talk about things in detail. Here we go.

"i'm hard to replace as you cry your evil eyes out"

My parents are separating. Wow. Isn't that fun. I'm just worried about my sisters. My feelings are superfluous at this point. In the two solid hours I spent talking with Justin about what happened today, the conversation was entirely centered on my sisters, and how I was going to get them through this.

"bones sinkin like stones / all that we fought for"

I'm finally stable. Seriously. I found my balance point this week. Way to go and screw things up, Mom & Dad. Really appreciate it.

"let's pretend we don't exist / let's pretend we're in antarctica"

I don't know when I'm going to finish writing something that means something. It just can't happen when things like this steal my attention.