drivin me under.

First off, I haven't blogged in about eighteen years. Second off, things in my life have changed so drastically over the past week or whatever that this is going to be a very briefly detailed blog simply because I don't have the patience to talk about things in detail. Here we go.

"i'm hard to replace as you cry your evil eyes out"

My parents are separating. Wow. Isn't that fun. I'm just worried about my sisters. My feelings are superfluous at this point. In the two solid hours I spent talking with Justin about what happened today, the conversation was entirely centered on my sisters, and how I was going to get them through this.

"bones sinkin like stones / all that we fought for"

I'm finally stable. Seriously. I found my balance point this week. Way to go and screw things up, Mom & Dad. Really appreciate it.

"let's pretend we don't exist / let's pretend we're in antarctica"

I don't know when I'm going to finish writing something that means something. It just can't happen when things like this steal my attention.

use this chance to be heard.

I haven't actually blogged in quite a while, save my bit about Michael Jackson. I guess the thing is that I've actually been living life instead of staring at it on a screen. I've come to realize that Facebook is stupid, texting is practically annoying, and the only way to really understand someone is to sit down and talk with them. Seriously. I'm over this whole virtual craphole. Please and thank you. So instead I hang out with my friends and go and do things and maybe even accomplish something every once in a while.

"i'm in a crisis / i need help / come on mood shift shift back to good again / come on be a friend"

Things are going pretty well. They're evening out, above all else. I'm making progress on my summer assignments (although admittedly I REALLY need to start hauling on that crap), personal things with friends and otherwise are going pretty well, and I'm getting another escape from Parker on Tuesday. We're driving to mid-Missouri to see a bunch of family for the holiday, and Thursday I get to see my lovely Lindsay. It's amazing how I miss her already after having just spent a whole week with her. As for today, I have a whole lsit of things to get done, and I'll feel much better if I actually get something done. So I'm going to leave this mess of technological disadvancement behind and go scrub a toilet.

"batting a thousand / but a homerun crack at love"

faberge falls for shuggie.

So here's the deal ladies (Grace) & gentlemen (Keegan). (My audience consists of two people who already know what's going on BEFORE I blog about it.) I flew back from St. Louis last night. It was the biggest pain the butt ever due to flight delays and a lack of cash for bagels even though I ended up getting one anyhow and whatnot, but here I am, alive and mostly in one piece. The trip itself was actually pretty great. I was worried about fighting with Lindsay, but that never really came up. We spent probably 90% of our time together (I opted out to see some family from about 9 til 1 AM one night, and chatted with some old friends while we were at Six Flags together) and only had like two awkward tiffs, if that. I was able to see a few old friends and some family members that haven't attended family get togethers in the last two years, making our correspondence completely impossible.

"i can say i hope it will be worth what i give up if i could stand of mean for the things that i believe"

Lindsay also semi-set me up with a guy. A boy. Oh dear. As you probably know, I'm fairly OVER people, especially those of the male persuasion. So when her not-quite-boyfriend Dylan brought his best friend Gannon over to the house, I wasn't exactly OPEN to the idea of being even remotely nice to either of the boys. He impressed me as witty and slightly goofy. Whatever. Who cares. Well the boys just happened to be there when we went to Six Flags the next day, and due to our shared dislike for Mr. Freeze, Gannon and I got to talking about (of all things, gasp) music. We had really similar tastes and it was kinda nice to talk to someone who had intelligent views on bands like Green Day and White Stripes. Our conversation continued in line for the next ride, and as we were leaving he asked about my departure and whatnot. I was very excited because he showed an interest in me similar to the one I had in him. The four of us hung out the next day, watching A Beautiful Mind at Lindsay's, then having dinner at Pasta House, both activities courtesy of yours truly. And the rest is history, really. Details would bore you all, and we all know I don't want to drag on about something no one cares about...

"have you seen me cry tears like diamonds / down and down they fly, faster and faster like the speed of our love / batting a thousand, but a homerun crack at love / there is where i tell you that, i know that love's what i need to work at, oh"

So here I am, sitting in bed, on round two of coffee, this time a short, skinny vanilla latte, listening to the free playlist I snagged from NYLON, talking to a few different people, and really just pondering all of the things I've been through lately. I find it amazing how much I have changed and essentially how much I have not. The tough times make you feel like you have to change, I've realized. They make you think that what you're doing is wrong, and obviously your person is just a big mess. But when you sit down and think about it, you can make tiny character adjustments that may be an improvement, but essentially you will never change. Never. That's just the way it is. Why? Probably because everytime I've gotten screwed over, although I will admit the fault was partially mine, it was mostly the fault of someone else being a terrible excuse for a person. The only changes I've made are to be a nicer and more well-rounded person, and also to become more grounded in myself. Basically, I haven't changed who I am, but become more aware of who I am. And I'm really liking the way that that sounds right about now.

"don't meddle with the heart / or meddle with the mind / or meddle with the things that are inside / don't know what you'll find / don't know what she hides"

Love you all (two).

pancakes for one.

I'm kind of stuck in this mood where everything SUCKS. Yeah. That's where we're at. Being optimistic and happy is so fun. But so draining and difficult when you just don't have it in you anymore. And that is what I'm experiencing currently. All I can look forward to is going back home Sunday. But even that has lost it's shine. I worry about fighting with Lindsay instead of enjoying our time together. I worry about discovering that I no longer matter to all of those people I still miss immensely. I worry about what I said to Justin last night because all I really did was make myself sound like an idiot, and even though I worry that I screwed up his life, I know that isn't even possible because I don't matter anymore.

"i always loved you, you always had a lot of style / i'd hate to see you on the pile / of 'nearly made it's, you've got the essence, dear / if i could have a second skin i'd probably dress up in you"

I've got this analogy going about puzzles, and how I'm just a puzzle piece trying to be smooshed into the wrong puzzle essentially. I came from another box, but I don't know where that box is. I have such a good idea of what the picture is. I know what I want to picture on the box to look like, and therefore the puzzle as well. But I don't know where to find the right puzzle. Keegan said I need to find the person to show me, but I don't know where to find them either. The conversation I had with Leah last night revolved around the fact that we're 16 and already looking for that person and it's really just quite draining because we're depressed from not finding them but essentially we have no means and it's unrealistic. It's such a crushing defeat. I don't even know where to go with myself now.

"whose house are you haunting tonight?"

I've lived my whole life forward, forward, never thinking for the present. I know I will reap the benefits of that in the future. I will be happy, successful, contented and beautifully in place. But right now I am suffering through the mishaps and hellacious misfortune of not thinking for the present whatsoever. So I guess I'll go drink a latte.

artlove.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4vrU0MBWrhXLxLto6qEBdHWRyuETIhNaFfyr93NXn2dtdWhm-lENFO8M20B273M0qHxri5LUdPhsuGgOQROUJ_8gE-TPlhq0NOnYI3XaJ2UE6tNK53mZoqAppjuFHxRbz9pL0XunTMtE/s320/Aldhils+Arboretum.gif

This picture quite possibly makes my life.

Also, Woman in Moscow by Kandinsky, Soviet propaganda, and Sergey Larenkov's photos: http://sergey-larenkov.livejournal.com/

Can anyone find a theme? I have invisible ties. Threads that don't exist.

"No matter where we go / We're always touching by underground wires"

Funny how that came back to ofMontreal. Maybe less funny than ridiculously set on a course that I can't alter. Off to write.