use this chance to be heard.

I haven't actually blogged in quite a while, save my bit about Michael Jackson. I guess the thing is that I've actually been living life instead of staring at it on a screen. I've come to realize that Facebook is stupid, texting is practically annoying, and the only way to really understand someone is to sit down and talk with them. Seriously. I'm over this whole virtual craphole. Please and thank you. So instead I hang out with my friends and go and do things and maybe even accomplish something every once in a while.

"i'm in a crisis / i need help / come on mood shift shift back to good again / come on be a friend"

Things are going pretty well. They're evening out, above all else. I'm making progress on my summer assignments (although admittedly I REALLY need to start hauling on that crap), personal things with friends and otherwise are going pretty well, and I'm getting another escape from Parker on Tuesday. We're driving to mid-Missouri to see a bunch of family for the holiday, and Thursday I get to see my lovely Lindsay. It's amazing how I miss her already after having just spent a whole week with her. As for today, I have a whole lsit of things to get done, and I'll feel much better if I actually get something done. So I'm going to leave this mess of technological disadvancement behind and go scrub a toilet.

"batting a thousand / but a homerun crack at love"

public enemy.

I just need to think out loud. Because right now I'm having a really hard time getting around the grey matter in my head. There's actually something up there apparently. How do I know? Cause it hurts. Massive.

"what i want is what i need / she's a public enemy"

So this guy gets a hold of me. And we've had an itneresting history I suppose you could say. Not interesting enough to share all of the details, however. And really, they're fairly well known anyhow. But we started talking last week and decided we should hang out some time this week, get coffee or something like that. (We got coffee before my loooong rehearsal that one day, at 7am. It's just kinda what we do.) Well whatever, I wasn't exactly expecting to hear much from him until maybe Wednesday or something. Just to get some details together. Except that obviously I was wrong. Today around 4 or so I got a sound file from him on my phone. It was some song, and although I couldn't pick out many of the lyrics (the sound quality when you record, send & play back via cell phones leaves much to be desired), I could clearly discern the line "you're the only reason i'm trying". So I asked him what was going on, and received the reply, "I think I still really like you and if that means changing and staying clean then so be it". So he wants to get clean for me in a roundabout way. What the hey ho am I supposed to do now? It isn't like things are just supposed to go back to the way they were. Cause I mean, before the whole INCIDENT (dun dun dunnnnnn... what a load of crap that was) things were good. I was happy. (I know, right?)

"i'll make it seem like i'm stronger but i'm quite the actor / but now i'm so caught up and i can't escape this pattern / but when i started losing hope, there you were, there you bloomed"

And it isn't like my life hasn't moved on. Because trust me, it has. I've got other things going on. One thing you learn through life in the fast lane: the social scene changes every second. Il y a quelques instants? Yeah. Something just changed. I promise. Life will ALWAYS move on without you. That's another thing I've picked up on lately. This whole living two separate lives (one in Denver, one in STL) has really screwed things up. When I'm here, my friends back home change. They form new relationships, understand themselves differently, and change drastically. When I'm back there, I have much catching up to do. Whilst there, however, the people in Denver are also moving on at lifespeed, with or without me. There's so much to think about, always.

"let's get down in barcelona / i like romancing but i don't wanna / let's get down in barcelona / tonight we're dancing like tomorrow / falling down, falling down, touch the ground, touch the ground / going mad, going mad, not too bad, not too bad"

I'm a little lost, I've got these fishies in my head, but I'm really gonna be okay. I get through it every time. Mini episodes contribute to the greater picture. And I'm no Michelangelo. This is the black cloud of Kandinsky's Woman. You must work through the cloud to reach the flower, waiting patiently upon the side table.

faberge falls for shuggie.

So here's the deal ladies (Grace) & gentlemen (Keegan). (My audience consists of two people who already know what's going on BEFORE I blog about it.) I flew back from St. Louis last night. It was the biggest pain the butt ever due to flight delays and a lack of cash for bagels even though I ended up getting one anyhow and whatnot, but here I am, alive and mostly in one piece. The trip itself was actually pretty great. I was worried about fighting with Lindsay, but that never really came up. We spent probably 90% of our time together (I opted out to see some family from about 9 til 1 AM one night, and chatted with some old friends while we were at Six Flags together) and only had like two awkward tiffs, if that. I was able to see a few old friends and some family members that haven't attended family get togethers in the last two years, making our correspondence completely impossible.

"i can say i hope it will be worth what i give up if i could stand of mean for the things that i believe"

Lindsay also semi-set me up with a guy. A boy. Oh dear. As you probably know, I'm fairly OVER people, especially those of the male persuasion. So when her not-quite-boyfriend Dylan brought his best friend Gannon over to the house, I wasn't exactly OPEN to the idea of being even remotely nice to either of the boys. He impressed me as witty and slightly goofy. Whatever. Who cares. Well the boys just happened to be there when we went to Six Flags the next day, and due to our shared dislike for Mr. Freeze, Gannon and I got to talking about (of all things, gasp) music. We had really similar tastes and it was kinda nice to talk to someone who had intelligent views on bands like Green Day and White Stripes. Our conversation continued in line for the next ride, and as we were leaving he asked about my departure and whatnot. I was very excited because he showed an interest in me similar to the one I had in him. The four of us hung out the next day, watching A Beautiful Mind at Lindsay's, then having dinner at Pasta House, both activities courtesy of yours truly. And the rest is history, really. Details would bore you all, and we all know I don't want to drag on about something no one cares about...

"have you seen me cry tears like diamonds / down and down they fly, faster and faster like the speed of our love / batting a thousand, but a homerun crack at love / there is where i tell you that, i know that love's what i need to work at, oh"

So here I am, sitting in bed, on round two of coffee, this time a short, skinny vanilla latte, listening to the free playlist I snagged from NYLON, talking to a few different people, and really just pondering all of the things I've been through lately. I find it amazing how much I have changed and essentially how much I have not. The tough times make you feel like you have to change, I've realized. They make you think that what you're doing is wrong, and obviously your person is just a big mess. But when you sit down and think about it, you can make tiny character adjustments that may be an improvement, but essentially you will never change. Never. That's just the way it is. Why? Probably because everytime I've gotten screwed over, although I will admit the fault was partially mine, it was mostly the fault of someone else being a terrible excuse for a person. The only changes I've made are to be a nicer and more well-rounded person, and also to become more grounded in myself. Basically, I haven't changed who I am, but become more aware of who I am. And I'm really liking the way that that sounds right about now.

"don't meddle with the heart / or meddle with the mind / or meddle with the things that are inside / don't know what you'll find / don't know what she hides"

Love you all (two).