closer to love.

I don't really blog enough because I would rather use tumblr. Mostly because I like how on tumblr I can use any medium to express how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking.

Well I swear I tried again / you're never visible on the weekdays / when I need you to do / what you can't afford

I'm really confused by the fact that I keep accidentally texting my ex. Like. It's absolutely ridiculous. I seriously text people the wrong stuff all the time, but I don't talk to him. So that is just beyond strange at this point. And of course it's never the stuff that I say to my crazy friends. Never the messages about dancepartying or movie nights or my new shoes or the shows I'm going to. Always the messages about my stupid problems, or how I'm hurt by something. Something that invites conversation, not just to be tossed away. I don't understand. Maybe it's God trying to tell me something. But if He is, it's falling on confused ears. My head and heart are never in the same place unless it's an inherently bad decision I'm going to be making. And this looks like the same set up. But I don't know what to do at this point. So we'll see how things play out.

Maybe not everything is supposed to last forever / certain things are like sky writing / like a beautiful thing that only lasts for a couple of moments

Everything that I thought would happen would. Everything. Everything I wouldn't even admit to myself because I was so afraid of how my heart would react. But it's better. I'm okay. I'm learning so much so fast that I'm okay with how things are. I'm just. I am okay. And I'm really proud to be able to say that honestly. The stability I've attained from my own being in the past few months is remarkable, considering my prior state. With that being said, if you think you can walk all over my feelings and I'll be alright with that, screw off. I'm not okay with that, not anymore at least. So I'm walking away from this situation, because there's no reason to hold on any longer. There are better things in the world than hurt, disappointment, and betrayal. So why would I ask you to give them to me?

I've been here for a while / hanging out with the rebels in the roses / i am falling to the ground / trying to find how to tell you i'm sorry

where is my mind?

where is my mind? where is my mind? where is my mind? way out in the water, see it swimmin?

Pandora + White Lies = Fight Club. And how I love this song. It's so beautiful. A lot of stuff is. But a lot of stuff really is just frightening. Like the way I freak out when I see your name still. That has to end. And, ya know, it will. But not yet. Not today. Another day. I'm not pushing myself too hard here because the progress I've made is astounding in the time I've taken. So I'll be content with what I've done.

Next week I'll be seeing some people I haven't in a while. Some old friends, some newer ones, with some surprises and a couple things that I know for sure. One of which being there will be love, and it will be scary. And it might hurt. And it might be one of those bandaid moments. But I'm so ready.

No regrets. Head first. Shark in the water. Stop thinking about what everyone else is going to think and do what you want, what your heart wants. Act on impulse because 99% of the time you're going to be right. Make yourself smile, don't wait on someone else to do it. Dye your hair pink because it sounds like a bad idea. I'll be doing every single one of those things. And it's going to be amazing. Find the beauty in everyday things, like sitting in your garage with your siblings or helping your friend fix his car that broke down in front of your house. Work a terrible job, and spend all of your money on clothes you don't need. Forget to fix your hair a few times. Put on enough makeup to look like a crackwhore (think Pulp Fiction). Listen to rap music even though it's stupid; it makes you want to dance, and why not? Open your windows to hear the little kids screaming and running through the neighborhood. No regrets. Let's go.

but i'll be holding on to things i can not change

There are some really beautiful things in life that you probably won't ever see. Maybe it's the sunset over a glacier or something obscure like that. Or maybe it's the PERFECT dress and shoes to match that flatter you in a way that nothing else ever will. Or maybe it's the look in his eyes when he says to you the first thing he's ever actually meant. Or maybe the look in your own eyes when you realize that you're okay. And everything will be okay.

See, we are far less than we knew / yeah we are far less than we knew / but we knew what we could taste

But when you see them, you know. You just know that you saw it, that something special that really matters and really makes up for everything else.

So soft and bleaching / how the passion leaves you dry

I know it's coming. Most of the time you don't. But. I can feel it. I know when it's going to happen. And I'm going to hold on and run as fast as I can. I'm going to see that look and I'm never going to look back.

Danny boy / don't be afraid to shake that ass and misbehave / danny boy / i know you got time but what are you waiting for?

On an unrelated note, my new piercing hurts. Just thought you should all be aware of this. Breaking it. Beautiful.

Oh she's only seventeen / wind and wind and wound up over everything