"the first and last time i ever watched a horror movie, somebody covered my eyes and talked over the parts they knew i wouldn't want to see. guess who that person was?"

Something weird happens when it occurs to you that everything wrong in your life is the product of your own screwed up actions.

You feel like you aren't worth anything. Like nothing will ever be right with you again. And then you get this faint hope like maybe, maybe everything isn't as bad as you thought. Maybe they'll come back to you because really you love them so much and they must know how you've changed. But then it's back to the ground and you just have to wait it out. It's the most painful process, waiting for something you don't even know will happen.

But it's worse when it seems to be your own damn fault. You messed up somewhere along the line and every problem you have now, you can trace that back to that one moment. Easily.

So what do you do? Well, you give yourself some time. To sit, and to cry. A lot. Because if you don't give yourself the time, you'll end up taking the time and there's something to be said for dignity and tact. That's where I am. Stuck in the awkwardness of everything awful.

But then you also have to give them some time. And while you're doing that, you should go buy some shoes. Or something nice for yourself. Because then you'll feel better. You have to be happy. So that when everyone is ready to sit and talk, you'll be poised and on level with what you want. Keep in mind what you want. Always be conscious of how it's changing, what's it doing, how it's living inside of you.

This feeling is terrible. Because I know what I want. But I have no way of going and getting it.

I am in love with somebody who I've completely alienated. So if you see this, now you know. I do love you. I always have. That never changed. I promise. But. I've done so much wrong. We both have messed up. And now I don't know if you want anything to do with me. I don't even know what triggered this all. But. I'm falling apart without you. I miss everything about you. Every single thing. And I would do anything to get you back. If you're reading this, I'm sorry for everything. Sometimes I can't help myself. There's something in me that just messes things up. I love you. I really do. So much.