closer to love.

I don't really blog enough because I would rather use tumblr. Mostly because I like how on tumblr I can use any medium to express how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking.

Well I swear I tried again / you're never visible on the weekdays / when I need you to do / what you can't afford

I'm really confused by the fact that I keep accidentally texting my ex. Like. It's absolutely ridiculous. I seriously text people the wrong stuff all the time, but I don't talk to him. So that is just beyond strange at this point. And of course it's never the stuff that I say to my crazy friends. Never the messages about dancepartying or movie nights or my new shoes or the shows I'm going to. Always the messages about my stupid problems, or how I'm hurt by something. Something that invites conversation, not just to be tossed away. I don't understand. Maybe it's God trying to tell me something. But if He is, it's falling on confused ears. My head and heart are never in the same place unless it's an inherently bad decision I'm going to be making. And this looks like the same set up. But I don't know what to do at this point. So we'll see how things play out.

Maybe not everything is supposed to last forever / certain things are like sky writing / like a beautiful thing that only lasts for a couple of moments

Everything that I thought would happen would. Everything. Everything I wouldn't even admit to myself because I was so afraid of how my heart would react. But it's better. I'm okay. I'm learning so much so fast that I'm okay with how things are. I'm just. I am okay. And I'm really proud to be able to say that honestly. The stability I've attained from my own being in the past few months is remarkable, considering my prior state. With that being said, if you think you can walk all over my feelings and I'll be alright with that, screw off. I'm not okay with that, not anymore at least. So I'm walking away from this situation, because there's no reason to hold on any longer. There are better things in the world than hurt, disappointment, and betrayal. So why would I ask you to give them to me?

I've been here for a while / hanging out with the rebels in the roses / i am falling to the ground / trying to find how to tell you i'm sorry

where is my mind?

where is my mind? where is my mind? where is my mind? way out in the water, see it swimmin?

Pandora + White Lies = Fight Club. And how I love this song. It's so beautiful. A lot of stuff is. But a lot of stuff really is just frightening. Like the way I freak out when I see your name still. That has to end. And, ya know, it will. But not yet. Not today. Another day. I'm not pushing myself too hard here because the progress I've made is astounding in the time I've taken. So I'll be content with what I've done.

Next week I'll be seeing some people I haven't in a while. Some old friends, some newer ones, with some surprises and a couple things that I know for sure. One of which being there will be love, and it will be scary. And it might hurt. And it might be one of those bandaid moments. But I'm so ready.

No regrets. Head first. Shark in the water. Stop thinking about what everyone else is going to think and do what you want, what your heart wants. Act on impulse because 99% of the time you're going to be right. Make yourself smile, don't wait on someone else to do it. Dye your hair pink because it sounds like a bad idea. I'll be doing every single one of those things. And it's going to be amazing. Find the beauty in everyday things, like sitting in your garage with your siblings or helping your friend fix his car that broke down in front of your house. Work a terrible job, and spend all of your money on clothes you don't need. Forget to fix your hair a few times. Put on enough makeup to look like a crackwhore (think Pulp Fiction). Listen to rap music even though it's stupid; it makes you want to dance, and why not? Open your windows to hear the little kids screaming and running through the neighborhood. No regrets. Let's go.

but i'll be holding on to things i can not change

There are some really beautiful things in life that you probably won't ever see. Maybe it's the sunset over a glacier or something obscure like that. Or maybe it's the PERFECT dress and shoes to match that flatter you in a way that nothing else ever will. Or maybe it's the look in his eyes when he says to you the first thing he's ever actually meant. Or maybe the look in your own eyes when you realize that you're okay. And everything will be okay.

See, we are far less than we knew / yeah we are far less than we knew / but we knew what we could taste

But when you see them, you know. You just know that you saw it, that something special that really matters and really makes up for everything else.

So soft and bleaching / how the passion leaves you dry

I know it's coming. Most of the time you don't. But. I can feel it. I know when it's going to happen. And I'm going to hold on and run as fast as I can. I'm going to see that look and I'm never going to look back.

Danny boy / don't be afraid to shake that ass and misbehave / danny boy / i know you got time but what are you waiting for?

On an unrelated note, my new piercing hurts. Just thought you should all be aware of this. Breaking it. Beautiful.

Oh she's only seventeen / wind and wind and wound up over everything

this isn't no intervention.

I've learned so much about myself in the past week that I'm taken aback by the difference in the two people I've encountered: myself now, and myself as of maybe a month ago. Elijah and I have called it "Alone Danielle" when talking about it, and it's appropriate. It's the Danielle that exists when everyone else isn't around, when I don't have someone else to rely on. When it's just me. At first, I was scared to death. I hated being alone without that other person, whoever they happened to be at that time. But I've been growing. I've been finding out how to be a better person on my own. And it's beautiful. I'm doing things that I like doing for myself, things that make me happy or make me feel good. Tanning, talking to cute boys, reading books, finding out how things work, writing. Figuring out how I work.

If we run we might just find that there's a way / there's a way to get out

I don't need someone else to make me feel like the person I know I can be. I can be so much better than I allowed myself when I was with him. I was suppressed by the idea of who I was supposed to be in relation to the personality I have. And that's worrisome, yeah. But instead of worrying about it, I'm moving forward, rebuilding and remembering. It's really something fabulous. It's difficult and sometimes I hate it. But it's something that must be done, ya know? And the end result is something I am genuinely proud of. Something with my name all over it that I can love and call my own.

Mais je t'embrasse / et ca passe / tu vois bien / on se debarrasse moi comme ca

I can do anything I want. I'm strong enough. I'm beautiful enough. I'm intelligent enough. These are things I didn't allow myself to believe before. Now I'm embracing them. Whatever happened between me and someone else is the past at this point. Whatever I said about someone, that was the truth at the time, and it probably still is. So I regret nothing. Everything is the truth, and from the heart. Always. It's easy to understand that everything is always true. No matter what. I'm ready for everything to be the way it should be. I'm doing things for me now. I'm going on cute dates with cute boys, looking cute. And it's all the way it should be.

I spent a week in a beautiful foreign country. I should have enjoyed it. But I couldn't. And for once I'm not going to accept the blame for it.

You asked me to have sex with you. I said no. And everything I said was the truth. I was afraid of what would happen. I was afraid to make that decision on that kind of notice. I was afraid. But what I didn't tell you is that I knew you weren't sticking around, so I was afraid of the inevitable. Which happened last night, the night I got home from the trip. It happened and I saw it coming all week. I also saw you blaming everything on me. I saw you turning everything I said into an anxiety filled accusation. Yes I have problems with stress. What you didn't know was that the time leading up to me finally calling you, I was hurting so bad physically from the anxiety that I almost went to the emergency room. I almost decided to just go and let it all happen.

We weren't together. I was some sort of fix for your horniness. The way we got back together was completely botched, and everything that happened the two times I saw you after that was as well. You never even tried to make this work. Because if you had cared at all, you would have known. You would have known better. You would have been better for me and for you. This could have worked, but somewhere along the line you turned into this arrogant son of a bitch whose shit don't stink. And I'm over that. I don't need that in my life.

You screwed me over, blamed it on me, and ran. You ran like hell to get out because you knew it was all bullshit. You told me something I did, something general and I've forgotten it because I'm working on forgetting you, and I can't remember what it was but I said to name one time I had done that. Name it. Anything. And you had NOTHING. The most glorious ten seconds of my life, that silence on the other end of the line that told me you were full of it and you knew it.

So if you have some sort of "truths" to share with me, you can keep them. I don't want anything to do with what you think is the truth. It's a skewed reality. And I'm done with that. I know enough about you and how you work. If you can't get over the break we took then screw you, I need someone who can grow and adapt and learn how to love someone unconditionally. You have nothing for me anymore.

one turn and i really learned what it means to see

don't you worry there my honey
we might not have any money
but we've got our love to pay the bills

maybe i think you're cute & funny
maybe i wanna do what bunnies do with you
if you know what i mean

well you might be a little confused
well you might be a little bit bruised
but baby how we spoon like no one else
so i will help you read those books
if you will soothe my worried looks
& we will put lonesome on the shelf

This is basically the story of my life right now. In case you were wondering haha.

I feel like there are so many things I can do. I can do so much. But it's impossible when nobody will let you go do them or even find out. People are afraid. I'm afraid. It's okay. I feel like if we weren't all afraid we'd have nothing linking us together. But. We have to get past the fears in order to improve anything in our lives. We can't do anything alone. Trust me. Trying to do things alone... All it will do is break your heart. And something about breaking your own heart is tragic.

I hope you're coming with me / Cause I'm not strong without you / Don't blame it on your shadows / Cause I know all about you

I still really miss you. I'm not going to sit here and say that I'm happy. I'm not happy. I'm getting there, but even when I'm happy, I won't be whole. Not until we are completely past this. I miss everything about you but that's okay. If I didn't miss you I wouldn't know how full our love was and still could be one day. Maybe we'll be like The Notebook and one day we're going to show up in each others' lives and we'll have learned our lesson which is to never let go of what you love over something stupid. We can't do that now because we're too close to the pain we've caused ourselves. We aren't detached enough. Maybe in a week, a month, a year. We'll figure it out. And maybe you'll find another girl who will cry for hours for you and come back the same as ever and will love you through the pain you put her through. But I doubt it. And maybe I'll find another guy who will hold me through the pain he puts me through and make jokes and still tell me I'm beautiful through the tears. But I doubt it. Not yet. Not for now. Maybe in a while. And not I'll come pick you up in a while, but your heart will be healed and perfect again in a while. That kind of a while. You know, the one your parents tell you about when they know that never is too shocking and anything else would be a lie. That kind of a while. So for now I'll sit and I'll wonder about things I can't change and I'll live with my regrets and every day I'll get stronger and some nights I'll cry for you because I can't watch my favorite movies anymore and some of my favorite music is still ruined. But eventually I have no doubt in my mind that whatever it is that we were meant to be will come to fruition. Something much more beautiful than this bizarre conglomerate of hurt and sorrow we are now. Something that actually belongs in this world touched by God. Something only we could see. Together.

"the first and last time i ever watched a horror movie, somebody covered my eyes and talked over the parts they knew i wouldn't want to see. guess who that person was?"

Something weird happens when it occurs to you that everything wrong in your life is the product of your own screwed up actions.

You feel like you aren't worth anything. Like nothing will ever be right with you again. And then you get this faint hope like maybe, maybe everything isn't as bad as you thought. Maybe they'll come back to you because really you love them so much and they must know how you've changed. But then it's back to the ground and you just have to wait it out. It's the most painful process, waiting for something you don't even know will happen.

But it's worse when it seems to be your own damn fault. You messed up somewhere along the line and every problem you have now, you can trace that back to that one moment. Easily.

So what do you do? Well, you give yourself some time. To sit, and to cry. A lot. Because if you don't give yourself the time, you'll end up taking the time and there's something to be said for dignity and tact. That's where I am. Stuck in the awkwardness of everything awful.

But then you also have to give them some time. And while you're doing that, you should go buy some shoes. Or something nice for yourself. Because then you'll feel better. You have to be happy. So that when everyone is ready to sit and talk, you'll be poised and on level with what you want. Keep in mind what you want. Always be conscious of how it's changing, what's it doing, how it's living inside of you.

This feeling is terrible. Because I know what I want. But I have no way of going and getting it.

I am in love with somebody who I've completely alienated. So if you see this, now you know. I do love you. I always have. That never changed. I promise. But. I've done so much wrong. We both have messed up. And now I don't know if you want anything to do with me. I don't even know what triggered this all. But. I'm falling apart without you. I miss everything about you. Every single thing. And I would do anything to get you back. If you're reading this, I'm sorry for everything. Sometimes I can't help myself. There's something in me that just messes things up. I love you. I really do. So much.

gonna try to make the grade.

Wow. It's been a while. It seems like things are falling out of my head. And this was one of the first, for whatever reason.

Between AP's, being sick all the time, and work, I've been so busy that I've stopped sleeping. I feel like that's probably not doing much for me.

I always talk about how unimportant the things I'm doing are, like these classes and whatnot. I've been sitting here studying physics b for an hour as it is, for an example. But it seems that as soon as I was forced to let them go a bit (I've been sick so there's not much I could do), it all falls apart when things should have been going right. I find out that yes, I can afford the schools I want to go to. Now it's my grades that will be the real challenge. I can't pull myself out of certain grades. They aren't terrible, but they aren't as good as last semester, and I certainly won't be able to change up the class rank in a good way. But really, does that matter? I'm kind of struggling with that right now. It's difficult to say. Because while I'm not wasting my time on silly things like thermophysics, I'm not getting anything better done. I'm working for $7.5o an hour, not really doing anything important. It's a great experience, and I like having money in my bank account, but really.

The point is that I need this summer more than I've ever needed a time to myself in the past. I need to recenter. I've fallen off and I need to get back on. Family, friends, fun, and above all, working to better understand who I am. This stress has killed who I used to be, but I can bring her back.

Because life isn't about the amount of money you make in one week, or beating a national average.

say try.

Isn't there something so beautiful in each one of us, so sacred and close to our souls, that nobody knows of its existence because we want to keep it for ourselves until we find the right person to share it with? Aren't we just scared of letting the wrong person see it and break it into a million, irreparable pieces? I think so. And it's so beyond lovely that I can't think of a word for it. Is there a word for it? Maybe. Maybe it's love. Maybe it's hope. Maybe it's life.

don't let them see you!

A series of events has prompted a drastic change in my lifestyle. Allow me to elaborate.

My best friend has a momentary set back related to their health. I wish that they knew exactly how much I care about them and want them to work through this. Even though I tell this person exactly this everyday, it seems that there's nothing I can do to make it clear enough. This person makes me want to live again and I feel like someone that might be worth something because of them. I love this person so much that it hurts me to see them struggling the way that they are. So for you, things will change.

If you turn around they will be gone. They will be gone.

Someone who loves me has been treated terribly by yours truly because of my indecisiveness and failure to commit to something I can trust. My trust issues cause problems left and right, and I'm sick of that. Seriously. What is my problem? So for you, things will change.

Is it a dream? Is it a lie?

The person who has had the most lasting impact on my life came back into it again yesterday. This in itself is unfortunate, because they don't belong there. Trying to tempt me back into the trap he's effectively used for almost four years, I heard the same words over again that at one time would have charmed me into submission. I want nothing to do with this person. They are not worth my time. So for you, things will change.

The power's out in the heart of man. Take if from your heart, put it in your hand.

There is this person that has come to my rescue when I least expected it and spoken words of encouragement, advice, and understanding even when the fault appears to be mine. They have helped me more than I would think possible because at one point I thought that we had nothing in common. But the human condition has linked us so inextricably. So for you, things will change.

I don't want a thing from you.

And DANTE ALEXANDER, you've made me realize that maybe there's something better. And that I'm wasting it. And now I'm going to chase it. Thank you.

o, my brothers.

At some point or another, you've really got to let it all go. You realize that it doesn't matter and that essentially you're just wasting your time. Really, what does it all come down to? The time you have here is never guaranteed, although we rarely like to put that idea into some sort of effective mannerism. We don't like changing and we hate our lives so we continue to hate our lives. It gives us something to hate. Something to blame. Something to curse when we fall apart at the feet of the momentous things at which we have failed. But it is in our hands to do these things, to change our lives, to make things what we want for them to be. If we don't do that, we have nothing to blame but ourselves. This is truth. I only say what appears to not be a lie. This is truth. We want so badly to not be responsible for our unhappiness but in effect we become to reason for our unhappiness. And that falls squarely upon us. And so, we take comfort in our unhappiness knowing that we are nothing better. Is this not the truth? Oh, I think it is not. And that is as unfortunate as the rest of the lot we are given. We are our own beginning and ending. Everything in between. It's up to us; we can rise at any moment: the tragedy is that we don't.

this is the story of a girl.

There's something to be said for that sensation you get when you wake up to a feeling you didn't realize you were even feeling. When you realize that, yes, indeed, there are arms holding the blanket down over you to keep out the draft and keep the dog from licking you because you don't like dogs licking you. It's bizarre, figuring out how numb you were before, and the amazing quality of the new found feeling. It's clear and pure, not yet tainted by our foul perception. Isn't it beautiful darling?

she never dies

It's been a crazy few weeks in the life, but there it is.

New Year's Resolutions. Which are pointless because I make resolutions about every three months, or as long as it takes me to get through one set to move on to the next.

I need to calm the hell down. Because really, it's quite obnoxious how much I worry about things that do not matter and that I honestly do not care about.

Be more appreciative of the people who give me everything. Because saying "Thank you" when someone compliments your hair is not the same as saying "Thank you" to the boy who flies out 800 miles with his own money last-minute to help you cope with your mother's illness and help with babysitting your annoying siblings are not the same thing. They aren't even close.

Learn how to make decisions. It's kind of a big deal throughout life, don't you think?

Write more. Hello.

Accept myself as being truly beautiful.

There it is. I miss you all very much. With that being said, life is so gorgeous that recently I've had to just look away to keep myself from tearing up. Sometimes I just let it happen. That's when it becomes beautiful.