pancakes for one.

I'm kind of stuck in this mood where everything SUCKS. Yeah. That's where we're at. Being optimistic and happy is so fun. But so draining and difficult when you just don't have it in you anymore. And that is what I'm experiencing currently. All I can look forward to is going back home Sunday. But even that has lost it's shine. I worry about fighting with Lindsay instead of enjoying our time together. I worry about discovering that I no longer matter to all of those people I still miss immensely. I worry about what I said to Justin last night because all I really did was make myself sound like an idiot, and even though I worry that I screwed up his life, I know that isn't even possible because I don't matter anymore.

"i always loved you, you always had a lot of style / i'd hate to see you on the pile / of 'nearly made it's, you've got the essence, dear / if i could have a second skin i'd probably dress up in you"

I've got this analogy going about puzzles, and how I'm just a puzzle piece trying to be smooshed into the wrong puzzle essentially. I came from another box, but I don't know where that box is. I have such a good idea of what the picture is. I know what I want to picture on the box to look like, and therefore the puzzle as well. But I don't know where to find the right puzzle. Keegan said I need to find the person to show me, but I don't know where to find them either. The conversation I had with Leah last night revolved around the fact that we're 16 and already looking for that person and it's really just quite draining because we're depressed from not finding them but essentially we have no means and it's unrealistic. It's such a crushing defeat. I don't even know where to go with myself now.

"whose house are you haunting tonight?"

I've lived my whole life forward, forward, never thinking for the present. I know I will reap the benefits of that in the future. I will be happy, successful, contented and beautifully in place. But right now I am suffering through the mishaps and hellacious misfortune of not thinking for the present whatsoever. So I guess I'll go drink a latte.

summer skin.

So I started my summer blog today. [wonderlandinsunshine]. Y'know. In case you were wondering or something.

"should've known, should've known, should've known again / oh here it goes again"

Nabbed tickets to go back home today. You have no idea what kind of a relief that is. There was so much uncertainty as to whether or not I was even going to get to go, but now everything is fine because my parents paid like two-hundred bucks to fly me out there. I am so going. The turtles are going to be tight(: Plus the Delmar Loop and whatever else we feel like. GOSH.

"you wasted life why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?"

I'm starting to get really excited for the future again. Why? Because you have to have a stable present to be able to focus on the future. You can't plan ahead five years when you don't know if you're going to hold it together for the next five minutes. That's just ridiculous. Things are leveling out. And you know really, things weren't even bad for that long. Like. A day? I react too quickly. That's my problem. The moment something goes slightly off-kilter, I flip, and that just isn't okay. But there are times when this reaction rate truly saves myself (and those I care for deepest) from a world or heartache. It's so double-sided. So difficult.

"what's the point in compromise? / get your dignity and leave"

I haven't written anything in so long. I haven't had inspiration. I've just felt like this fat, amorphous blob of nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's terrible. So tomorrow I'm going to pick up one of my leads and make something beautiful. Stunning. Something to mirror the person I want to be. Something to aspire to be. A model. No. A reflection. Because I'm getting there. I'm becoming the person I want to be. The culture I have created around myself is intoxicating and lovely. I want nothing else, but to tweak and perfect it. My pen reflects who I am, and nothing less. I am my masterpiece. Mes mots. My lesser density.

"love it all love it all love it all"

But the writing must wait. Tonight I must sleep to wake up in time to go to the gym tomorrow morning. =]