she says she has no time.

So school has pushed me past my acceptable limits. I am so stressed that every short conversation with my family has become a snapping match. Without a thermos full of coffee Thursday morning, I literally could not function until fourth period. Black and white have faded to grey. It's a disaster. I have no time for anything. I do not sleep. I hardly eat. I am in constant physical pain from sunburn and lack of sleep and dehydration.

"love / like the summer of 69 / move / like we're alone we're alone we're alone in the sea"

But really. I'm very happy. Things are weird and they hurt a little bit and I don't understand them but it all turns out in the end.

"now we're getting on fire / matchsticks in our eyes"

People from my past keep coming back to me. I don't understand it but it's really... It's bizarre. It's like some sort of sign. I don't know. It just seems to me that I don't need to go looking far for what I need. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I've been that way a lot lately. Just don't know what I'm thinking. Here's what I have to say however. This too shall pass. Like. I hate to word things this way, but GET OVER IT. It's harsh but it's real and it's true and it wouldn't hit a nerve if it didn't mean something. I have to tell myself all the time to just shut up and get over it. Think about it. Every time something has broken your heart, shattered your dreams, or made your day just SUCK, what happened? Every time, it was countered. Maybe not directly by a particular action, no. But maybe by time. Yes. We will always be healed. This is I can guarantee. It may take more time than you think is appropriate or that you can handle. But you can do it. I have faith in you, darling. You'll pull through. Take one in the teeth and just wait. Sit down, grab Newsweek and examine the dumb far-side commentary. Please.

"i won't walk away"

Whatever you do, don't make decisions until you're in a position of at least partial healing. Please. I pray that you don't follow my indentation of pain. Don't let go. Hold on tighter. You'll regret it darling, I swear by it as I wake up every morning to the sound of the song that chokes me up and tears me apart. So be good. Soyez sage! Je vous aimez(:

& i've been planning something big.

Today was just flatout interesting. I woke up from my standard nightmare. I scored an out for a fourth grade kickball team. I gave the host at an Italian restaurant a dirty look for looking at for me one second too long. I learned how to organize a shrimp boil and how much a bouncy castle costs to rent. I made plans to go back home for the holiday in a couple weeks. I made my pic on twitter green.

"now the blow's been softened cause we are our own damn coffin / well / everybody's talkin bout their short list / everybody's talking bout their--"

I'm getting pretty excited about life again. If only I could hold onto this feeling. It's like that book. Um. About the red balloon, yeah? We read it in Spectra back in the day, and then saw a play about it and honestly it was kind of stupid but here's the point: If you were to equate happiness with some balloon that you have to hold on to, I would have the retarded, defected balloon. Seriously. Because not only do I have to hold on to it, but once I let go, it sticks around. It's like the moment I decide I can't hold on any longer, or just slip in my stance, the dumb thing loses pressure, always staying just within my grasp. And yes, I am aware of how stupid this sounds. Kay? But it kind of makes sense.

"love is all you need / she loves you yeah yeah yeah"

My goal is to crank out a piece tonight. Cause it's really all up there in my brain. I swear. Over the past month or so, I've collected enough experiences and random bits to work with quite indefinitely. So I'm gonna put that pen to paper and change the course of my present, therefore polishing my future, and dulling my past. It's something to be thankful for, a way to erase the pain & supficialities of the life we're currently leading. Seriously. For all of my talk about the life I want to lead, what am I doing to jumpstart my transition from upper caste-victim to that higher ideal I have set for myself? Nothing. Well, not nothing, but easily not enough. For all we talk about wanting to change our lives and how disgusted we are with where we are, as a whole, we do extremely little to actually alter our position. Why? Mostly because we like to say that we're so bored of our lives, and that we're being held back by our surroundings (location and otherwise), to have something else to blame. Because if we were truly to take our lives into our own hands, we would be great. We could do things. We could go places, and be contented with the decisions we make. But instead we chooce to leave life as the easy scapegoat. And you know what? I'm sick of it, and done with it.

"you said that night that we might run away / and yes we'll end up in some better place / and once we'd gone there'd be no coming back"

I'm taking the plunge. Back down the rabbithole for Danielle. Maybe the fear of rejection pushed me out. Maybe rejection itself pushed me out. But I'm going back and there is nothing that a single one of you can do about it.

"i can't pretend i need to defend some part of me from you / i know i've spent some time all lying"

Welcome back to Wonderland, darling. We've missed you, and don't you lie and say you haven't missed this part of yourself. You knew it all along. We are only your figments of hope and success. Continue on, lonely daughter; we hold nothing for you but yourself. Continue on, hopeless sprite; this life is dead for you, and will be forevermore. So go die a death more articulate. Dance swiftly into the coffin of your own beautiful repose.

"here i've been lucid / i'm living within / inwardly urgent / i'm sinking again / the lighthouse"

Will you be missed?