she says she has no time.

So school has pushed me past my acceptable limits. I am so stressed that every short conversation with my family has become a snapping match. Without a thermos full of coffee Thursday morning, I literally could not function until fourth period. Black and white have faded to grey. It's a disaster. I have no time for anything. I do not sleep. I hardly eat. I am in constant physical pain from sunburn and lack of sleep and dehydration.

"love / like the summer of 69 / move / like we're alone we're alone we're alone in the sea"

But really. I'm very happy. Things are weird and they hurt a little bit and I don't understand them but it all turns out in the end.

"now we're getting on fire / matchsticks in our eyes"

People from my past keep coming back to me. I don't understand it but it's really... It's bizarre. It's like some sort of sign. I don't know. It just seems to me that I don't need to go looking far for what I need. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I've been that way a lot lately. Just don't know what I'm thinking. Here's what I have to say however. This too shall pass. Like. I hate to word things this way, but GET OVER IT. It's harsh but it's real and it's true and it wouldn't hit a nerve if it didn't mean something. I have to tell myself all the time to just shut up and get over it. Think about it. Every time something has broken your heart, shattered your dreams, or made your day just SUCK, what happened? Every time, it was countered. Maybe not directly by a particular action, no. But maybe by time. Yes. We will always be healed. This is I can guarantee. It may take more time than you think is appropriate or that you can handle. But you can do it. I have faith in you, darling. You'll pull through. Take one in the teeth and just wait. Sit down, grab Newsweek and examine the dumb far-side commentary. Please.

"i won't walk away"

Whatever you do, don't make decisions until you're in a position of at least partial healing. Please. I pray that you don't follow my indentation of pain. Don't let go. Hold on tighter. You'll regret it darling, I swear by it as I wake up every morning to the sound of the song that chokes me up and tears me apart. So be good. Soyez sage! Je vous aimez(:

turn me off.

I will start by saying that I am so proud of you that I can't even believe it. The person you were three years ago when we started this thing together is still there. I can see him in your eyes when they laugh and I can feel him in your arms around me and hear him in your voice when you call me to tell me everything's going to be okay. And yet you're not the same you you used to be by a longshot. You've grown miles in Homer's footsteps and I could never ask for more than the warmth you radiate from a distance unimaginably cold. I miss you with every fibre of my being and yet I feel you flowing through my veins, powering my every movement. There will never be enough words, enough late night talking purges with me in the closet whispering about your falsified fears, enough eyelash wishes to show you what you mean to me, and how much I need you around just to keep me running.

"come down now they'll say / but everything looks perfect from far away / come down now but we'll stay"

With that being said, hello "home." The more I do this going back and forth business, the more I realize that this is not my home. Nor is St. Louis. Or Florida or Massachusetts or California or Nantucket. It's this feeling I know how to find but can rarely do. But I'm working on it. I'm working towards it more often and with more ease. I can't explain it, but I feel like I am charged and ready to hit the world now. Mostly because I have the ammunition I need to get through. I feel like I need to go beat something up. Not because I'm upset, but because I could, and I have something to prove but not really. Mostly not. Why? Because who the heck do I need to impress? No one. I don't care what they think anymore, whoever THEY are. THEY can go smoke a popsicle stick for all I care. Seriously. Go do it.

"i wanna be the place you call home"

Anyhow. I love everybody and they hardly love me the same way but that's just fine. When has that stopped me before? HEY. It hasn't. Whaddaya know.