this is all i see.

I feel like I've neglected to blog lately mostly because I have. There's been a lot going on but at the same time, hardly anything,. I've been the happiest I've been and I've had some epic downers. I feel stability riding underfoot right before it crumbles beneath my weight. I try talking to people who don't understand only to realize that I don't understand, either. But we've been here before, have we not? Sometimes I think that I'm not meant to be understood, because if I were, there would have been some sort of inkling in that direction by now. But maybe I expect too much.

"it's just the one that i had / it's just the one for me tonight / it's just the two of us here / it's just the two of us now / and we can talk about it all"

The run-down goes something like this. I'm ridiculously stressed because of my classes (my schedule is like death), band, family problems, and the increasingly difficult nature of maintaining my relationships. I hit my breaking point Thursday night, ignored it because I absolutely had to finish my homework, passed out, and last night hit the same wall but couldn't ignore how I felt. I was a disaster. I guess I felt better after watching a movie over at Justin's, but I really just needed some sleep. My current lack of sleep has been an absolute disaster as far as I'm concerned. It's seriously not okay anymore. I'm cracking up. And no, that is not meant in a good way. There is so much stress and negative energy coming down on me and I don't really know how to handle it yet. I'm still in transfer-mode from summer and here we go, Day One, four AP classes plus the French ordeal and band. Not to mention tutors has me in the door for first period three days a week. What is going on. This is a mess. I don't even know what to do or say about it. I just want to sleep and eat. Keep myself alive. But that isn't exactly what I have the time to do at this point.

"little girl yeah / don't have to tell you it's the hardest part"

Also, because of band, I can't go to the Franz Ferdinand concert tonight. THANKS, BRANDON AND HINMAN. Just thought I'd get that out. Because I've only been looking for ward to it for like. three or four months. Ya know. No big.

"there's no way he could win / just had to take it on the chin"

I feel like I'm just kind of floundering. I don't want to tread and spit. I want to make a lap pool out of the ocean. I want to take the world by its stupid head and shake it around and tell it to behave and cut the crap. I'm still working on it. Let me get back to you on that.

oh baby yeah yeah yeah. oh yeah yeah yeah.

So class rank stuff is on the brain. I'm feelin second. Sounds like a fairly safe bet to me, actually. 4.025? Yeahh. Sounds good.

"because i have never felt like this"

I guess everything's alright. Except I feel shut out from humanity. And I actually told one of the two people who did this to me how I felt. And being the idiot they are, they didn't pick up on the fact that it was THEM. Moron... So now I'm house-bound on the first night of summer. So what am I going to do? Have a Danielleparty. A LEGIT one. A really good one. I'm serious. I'm gonna clean, I'm gonna read, I'm gonna write (blog, yesyes), I'm gonna sit here and listen to the melodramatic tones pouring forth from my dusty Dell. I don't know if I could be happier. Well. I could be. But considering, I couldn't possibly be.

"you take my hand / we cross the lawn"

So I guess I'm just going to wait around and waste more time on facebook and tweeting until it's time for this shindig to commence.

"i suffer you so easily / we, we disagree / i, i think it's good to disagree / you are always saying that we are not the same / we are not the same"

I'm so scared. Everything is changing. And I don't know how to react. More on that later.

you'll sleep tonight.

I don't know. There's so much but at the same time there is so little. So so so little. I guess everything's really okay because I didn't fail the French final and I won in the end with that whole other situation that doesn't need to be gone into and I've still got the people I need and they aren't going anywhere. But I also feel as though any little slip is going to send EVERYTHING crashing down around me. I feel like I've hit a wall academically and I'm stuck in a rat race for second place. I am afraid that I'm going to misword one paraphrased lyric and send my entire social atmosphere into a tailspin. I could lose the best thing that I've happened upon in months. I could slip on the wrong puddle, fall the wrong way, fracture the wrong bone, and lose everything, everything, on a chance, a whim. I don't know if this is fear or foreshadowing.

"i don't care just where you go as long as it's with me / and i don't care just what you do as long as it's with me too"

I spent the longish weekend in Glennwood Springs and it pretty much burned my brains. The smell of sulfuric compounds in water doesn't sit well with me. At all. Ever. Said water also tarnished my rings. Lovely.

"a song is just a game / i'm getting good at cheating"

Keegan just helped me with multiple things.

1. Understanding how to graph these ridiculous functions, &
2. Understanding that maybe I'm not such a doof.

"sometime in the fall fall fall / there'll be nothing to keep you far from me / before i'm long long long gone / there'll be nothing to keep me away"

Okay I should really just stop writing. I should sleep and read Grace & Keegan's blog posts and obey my nudges and tweet. Not necessarily in that order.

this sentence will ruin/save your life.

I have no emotions left, you've drained them out, except for this one, this last lasting feeling I cannot purge from my being.

"home is where you hang your head / is where you rest your bones"

All I can feel is desire for that which I may not have. But maybe I'll steal it. I'm stealing it. And I will regret it almost instantly. Except for that split second in which the possession in my hands is new, shining, clean. It will be worth a lifetime of painful remorse. Right?

"this sentence will ruin/save your life"

chocolate pickle bubble.

So there's a guy but the past won't let me move on so I guess I'm just stuck in purgatory.

"i don't mind just where you go as long as long as it's with me / and i don't care just what you do as long as long as it's with me too"

helping.

My life has become a general conglomeration of a few different aspects: reading either Clockwork Orange or something by Bukowski; listening to Born Ruffians and whatever comes on Pandora, I seem to have the ability to fall in love with all of it; feeling absolutely useless; considering different ways to fix the current situation; writing pieces; stressing over nothing--as in seriously nothing.

If you would just see that I'm right, this would be much easier.

Oh. And while we're at it. I'm really tired of not being important. So if we could work on that, that would be great. Really just peachy. Thanks.