this is all i see.

I feel like I've neglected to blog lately mostly because I have. There's been a lot going on but at the same time, hardly anything,. I've been the happiest I've been and I've had some epic downers. I feel stability riding underfoot right before it crumbles beneath my weight. I try talking to people who don't understand only to realize that I don't understand, either. But we've been here before, have we not? Sometimes I think that I'm not meant to be understood, because if I were, there would have been some sort of inkling in that direction by now. But maybe I expect too much.

"it's just the one that i had / it's just the one for me tonight / it's just the two of us here / it's just the two of us now / and we can talk about it all"

The run-down goes something like this. I'm ridiculously stressed because of my classes (my schedule is like death), band, family problems, and the increasingly difficult nature of maintaining my relationships. I hit my breaking point Thursday night, ignored it because I absolutely had to finish my homework, passed out, and last night hit the same wall but couldn't ignore how I felt. I was a disaster. I guess I felt better after watching a movie over at Justin's, but I really just needed some sleep. My current lack of sleep has been an absolute disaster as far as I'm concerned. It's seriously not okay anymore. I'm cracking up. And no, that is not meant in a good way. There is so much stress and negative energy coming down on me and I don't really know how to handle it yet. I'm still in transfer-mode from summer and here we go, Day One, four AP classes plus the French ordeal and band. Not to mention tutors has me in the door for first period three days a week. What is going on. This is a mess. I don't even know what to do or say about it. I just want to sleep and eat. Keep myself alive. But that isn't exactly what I have the time to do at this point.

"little girl yeah / don't have to tell you it's the hardest part"

Also, because of band, I can't go to the Franz Ferdinand concert tonight. THANKS, BRANDON AND HINMAN. Just thought I'd get that out. Because I've only been looking for ward to it for like. three or four months. Ya know. No big.

"there's no way he could win / just had to take it on the chin"

I feel like I'm just kind of floundering. I don't want to tread and spit. I want to make a lap pool out of the ocean. I want to take the world by its stupid head and shake it around and tell it to behave and cut the crap. I'm still working on it. Let me get back to you on that.

is this the feeling i need to walk with?

Yeahh, that was Backstreet Boys, in case you were wondering. There is NOTHING wrong with boy bands from back when we were like ten. Seriously.

"i've seen this one too many times"

I haven't blogged in forever for a few reasons. Mostly I've been cooped up doing homework for APLit & APUSH. But aside from that, band has consumed my life. I can't hardly walk & my shoulders absolutely kill. I'm sunburnt beyond recognition and my nerves are shot from freshmen, underclassmen, upperclassmen, leadership, entitled beneficiaries, prostaff and admin. I almost fell asleep at 6.30 tonight. People try talking to me and I just sort of ignore them. I'm irritable and quite honestly, I don't have the patience or 'intestinal fortitude' that it would require for me to deal with ninety percent of the crap going on in my life. So this has led to a semi-revelation. I'm eliminating all of the complicated things. I'm tired of using the excuse "it's complicated". That's a cop-out if I've ever seen one. I'm not going to be that person anymore. I'm going to be the girl who lives for the few things in her life that really matter.

"please come and stay with me / i don't what to do / if once more i lose you / it would tear me in two"

I recently went back to church for the first time in a long time. I met up with God halfway. That's all I had to do. I feel so relieved of all that was plaguing me, like all of those weights have been carried off into the distance. The things that put me ill at ease at night in bed no longer haunt me. I am free to be the person I know I can and should be, without the restraints I had to fight previously. I feel light and refreshed. There is not a better feeling in the world. And it only comes from Him.

"every little thing i do / never seems enough for you / you don't want to lose it again / but i'm not like them"

'NSync came on too. What do you know. It's my lucky day. Seriously. So many things have gone RIGHT today, that the small things that have gone wrong are superfluous. Really.

"lighting the fuse might result with a bang with a bang go"

Go fall in love. It changes your world.

As a side-note, for those of you who know the situation, I am telling the boy back home to take a hike.

can you read my mind?

I was writing something here last night and then my internet went out literally as I was adding the tags, because it's cool like that. Ugh. This is what I had written.

"are you lonely now?"

Here is what a normal person should write in their blog: Today was good, because amidst all of the fighting with parents and drama that remains unsolved, I got new earrings and almost bought these turquoise shoes but decided against it because I'd rather buy new Sanuks for the summer. I also made bank as far as I'm concered and locked up a job for next weekend. Yay for my life.

"time won't let me go"

But as we all know I'm not normal and so here I commence with the sort of blog you've all grown to expect and love.

"i had my back turned / you didn't realize i'm lonely"

I'm getting through Clockwork Orange and absolutely loving it. About twenty odd pages left. It's totally bringing back my Russian roots. Love that. I actually sent a text that said 'xopowo' tonight. I sent a message that said 'horrowshow' before as well, but taking it to Cyrillic just changes it. Totally new caliber of retardation there. Fabulous. I almost don't want to read the last chapter however. Why? Because it totally changes things between the American and British versions. Oy.

"i'm just a crosshair / i'm just a shot then we can die / i know i won't be leaving here / with you"

Oh and I really want to invent a definitive language like Burgess did with nadsat. I love it. And Franz is still my favorite band ever, no matter how much Born Ruffians I listened to after the show. And Take Me Out makes me want to cry tears of joy. It's like the wax dripping, finalizing the fact that yes, this is amazing incarnate. Here's the signature, seal her up, send it on out, this is my life.

"and we don't notice any time pass / we don't notice anything / we sit side by side in every class / teacher thinks that i sound funny / but she likes the way you sing"

I'm in the process of making some very important decisions right now. It's really quite scary cause I feel like I'm on my oddy knocky but I know I'm really not. Okay see there was the Russian bit again. Bog help me.... Forget it.

"and if you feel a little left behind / we will wait for you on the other side"

Seriously though. This is really sort of screwing with me. I think if I just take another few days like I have been (coffee, Pandora loop, no homework, sitting in bed) I might be able to come up with what's up here. Which is good. Yay. Because everything is pulling out from underneath me, and all I've got left are mes mots, my less than one density keeping me afloat. Dear God, don't let me lose them. Don't let me lose him. Not again.

"she don't think straight / no no no she don't think straight"

smile like you mean it.

"ich heisse superphantastisch / ich trinke shampus mit lachsfisch"

I am breaking hearts and taking names.

"you can feel my lips undress your eyes undress your eyes undress your eyes / skin can feel my lips they tingle tense anticipation on it / this one is an easy one / feel the word and melt upon it / words of love, words so leisured, words are poisoned darts of pleasure / die, and so you die"

I just wasn't aware of it.

"and it's the thousandth time and it's even bolder / don't be surprised when you get bent over / they told ya, but you were dying for it / she saw it and she grabbed it and it wasn't what it seemed / the kids all dream of making it, whatever that means"


She's got standards.

i awoke from lucid dreams...

"it's hard to rely on the rhythm section when they're all packing up and they're heading for the exist / yeah we're all just the same, a bunch of slaves to fashion / who are tall, dark and scared and just praying for some action"

Apparently I'm doing stuff this weekend? Going to Zach's tonight, doing strike tomorrow, going shopping tomorrow, studying, ghahgiurhejvne. I've kinda been down with the whole sit around and do nothing plan. Whatever.

"while i move away, hard times don't come until tomorrow / these eyes don't see, take you skin off when you're listenin to me / move away, hard times don't come until tomorrow / these eyes in me take you skin off when you're talkin to me"

1984 Day was silly. Silly is my new favorite word. But I did get some major cred from Mr. Hinman twice today for my solos last night. Positive? Yeahh.

"where did you go? oh where did you go? falling about, you took a left off last laugh lane"

And it really scared me today, because I'm standing there talking to this stupid boy and I finally saw something in him that I hadn't seen before, and I literally went to walk away, but noticed this and kinda made a weird face and came back for a minute. It was bizarre. But it was just like... He looked like he had grown up. Actually grown up. I don't know how to explain it, except for trying to put the sheer ridiculosity of the situation into words, which I don't even have the energy for right now.

"mascara bleeds a blackened tear / and i am cold i am old / at least as old as you are"

I have so many good ideas for pieces to write this weekend. I'm ridiculously excited about it actually. I love the idea of finally getting around to formulating and flowing around some of the theses I've come up with. It's seriously like the best thing that's going to come out of this weekend.

"it's almost too easy / i'm holding you by the hand / more like the nape of your neck / why don't you draw up a list you have to frequently check? / and put some things in order"

Who knows. Things are changing. I hate myself for thinking this way. But things are changing back to the way they used to be. Why? Because I had my dreams stolen from me. Literally out of my hands, my arms, my eyes, my mind. I got screwed over for no reason, and I'm not really a big fan of that in all honesty. But now of course I'm going back to the situation to fix things and get back what is mine. This is mine. Don't you even try to get in my way. I'm taking what I want from now on. Because I can. Because I deserve it. Because no one else does.

"how am i supposed to know what makes this happen?"