can you read my mind?

I was writing something here last night and then my internet went out literally as I was adding the tags, because it's cool like that. Ugh. This is what I had written.

"are you lonely now?"

Here is what a normal person should write in their blog: Today was good, because amidst all of the fighting with parents and drama that remains unsolved, I got new earrings and almost bought these turquoise shoes but decided against it because I'd rather buy new Sanuks for the summer. I also made bank as far as I'm concered and locked up a job for next weekend. Yay for my life.

"time won't let me go"

But as we all know I'm not normal and so here I commence with the sort of blog you've all grown to expect and love.

"i had my back turned / you didn't realize i'm lonely"

I'm getting through Clockwork Orange and absolutely loving it. About twenty odd pages left. It's totally bringing back my Russian roots. Love that. I actually sent a text that said 'xopowo' tonight. I sent a message that said 'horrowshow' before as well, but taking it to Cyrillic just changes it. Totally new caliber of retardation there. Fabulous. I almost don't want to read the last chapter however. Why? Because it totally changes things between the American and British versions. Oy.

"i'm just a crosshair / i'm just a shot then we can die / i know i won't be leaving here / with you"

Oh and I really want to invent a definitive language like Burgess did with nadsat. I love it. And Franz is still my favorite band ever, no matter how much Born Ruffians I listened to after the show. And Take Me Out makes me want to cry tears of joy. It's like the wax dripping, finalizing the fact that yes, this is amazing incarnate. Here's the signature, seal her up, send it on out, this is my life.

"and we don't notice any time pass / we don't notice anything / we sit side by side in every class / teacher thinks that i sound funny / but she likes the way you sing"

I'm in the process of making some very important decisions right now. It's really quite scary cause I feel like I'm on my oddy knocky but I know I'm really not. Okay see there was the Russian bit again. Bog help me.... Forget it.

"and if you feel a little left behind / we will wait for you on the other side"

Seriously though. This is really sort of screwing with me. I think if I just take another few days like I have been (coffee, Pandora loop, no homework, sitting in bed) I might be able to come up with what's up here. Which is good. Yay. Because everything is pulling out from underneath me, and all I've got left are mes mots, my less than one density keeping me afloat. Dear God, don't let me lose them. Don't let me lose him. Not again.

"she don't think straight / no no no she don't think straight"

smile like you mean it.

"ich heisse superphantastisch / ich trinke shampus mit lachsfisch"

I am breaking hearts and taking names.

"you can feel my lips undress your eyes undress your eyes undress your eyes / skin can feel my lips they tingle tense anticipation on it / this one is an easy one / feel the word and melt upon it / words of love, words so leisured, words are poisoned darts of pleasure / die, and so you die"

I just wasn't aware of it.

"and it's the thousandth time and it's even bolder / don't be surprised when you get bent over / they told ya, but you were dying for it / she saw it and she grabbed it and it wasn't what it seemed / the kids all dream of making it, whatever that means"


She's got standards.

i awoke from lucid dreams...

"it's hard to rely on the rhythm section when they're all packing up and they're heading for the exist / yeah we're all just the same, a bunch of slaves to fashion / who are tall, dark and scared and just praying for some action"

Apparently I'm doing stuff this weekend? Going to Zach's tonight, doing strike tomorrow, going shopping tomorrow, studying, ghahgiurhejvne. I've kinda been down with the whole sit around and do nothing plan. Whatever.

"while i move away, hard times don't come until tomorrow / these eyes don't see, take you skin off when you're listenin to me / move away, hard times don't come until tomorrow / these eyes in me take you skin off when you're talkin to me"

1984 Day was silly. Silly is my new favorite word. But I did get some major cred from Mr. Hinman twice today for my solos last night. Positive? Yeahh.

"where did you go? oh where did you go? falling about, you took a left off last laugh lane"

And it really scared me today, because I'm standing there talking to this stupid boy and I finally saw something in him that I hadn't seen before, and I literally went to walk away, but noticed this and kinda made a weird face and came back for a minute. It was bizarre. But it was just like... He looked like he had grown up. Actually grown up. I don't know how to explain it, except for trying to put the sheer ridiculosity of the situation into words, which I don't even have the energy for right now.

"mascara bleeds a blackened tear / and i am cold i am old / at least as old as you are"

I have so many good ideas for pieces to write this weekend. I'm ridiculously excited about it actually. I love the idea of finally getting around to formulating and flowing around some of the theses I've come up with. It's seriously like the best thing that's going to come out of this weekend.

"it's almost too easy / i'm holding you by the hand / more like the nape of your neck / why don't you draw up a list you have to frequently check? / and put some things in order"

Who knows. Things are changing. I hate myself for thinking this way. But things are changing back to the way they used to be. Why? Because I had my dreams stolen from me. Literally out of my hands, my arms, my eyes, my mind. I got screwed over for no reason, and I'm not really a big fan of that in all honesty. But now of course I'm going back to the situation to fix things and get back what is mine. This is mine. Don't you even try to get in my way. I'm taking what I want from now on. Because I can. Because I deserve it. Because no one else does.

"how am i supposed to know what makes this happen?"

yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever, never.

Backing up the orchestra tonight. Approximately 6 solos. Um.

"and i don't need to satisfy tonight"

1984 Day tomorrow. Exciting? Sure.

"this will all blow over in time"

I've got all these things and people and place floating around in my head. Dreams numbers and words, les mots les mots les mots. But let's not stop there. MES mots. Mes mots mes mots mes mots. Lost at sea lost at sea lost at sea. I can't add up because I don't divide quite right, but maybe that's the question. The mistakes I've been making are putting irrationality between me and my future. But does anything really hold your future? You, your hands, and the ridiculous cal you spew to my mind. You have this immaculately unfortunate power to ruin everything with one glance.

"i must believe there's more above us and below / i must believe stranded with this bitch called hope / it keeps me here when all i wanna do is go / it keeps me here when all i wanna do is disappear"

I want you to cry, I want you to hurt, I want you to know the pain of being the reason for the downfall of the person you love more than anything else in the world. I want to see you smile, hear your laugh, be there to laugh at you when you act stupid and to return the favor.

"if i'm tired i'm tired of tellin you / i'm never tired / i'm always better than you"

So I guess it's in my hands to fix this now, n'est-ce pas? Well guess what, I'm always right. And I always win. And I always come out on top. So suck it up. This IS going to suck, and you aren't always going to like it. Nope. But maybe if I fix you, we can fix us.

"i can't crack / we're on top, we're on top / we bring the bump to the grind, oh ho i don't mind"

Oh. And you. Not the you aforementioned, but a separate you. How about we don't make Danielle feel like crap? And how about you just figure out what's going on in your ever-so-much-more important life before you act like you care about me. Peace out.

"the fallen are the virtuous among us / walk among us / yeah we're all damned"