the pillar of damage control.

I'm sitting around listening to all of my new music. It's a glorious feeling. Right now I'm plowing through the new Green Day album. It's actually pretty good so far, but they have about 16 songs left to make me hate them. I've just sort of figured however that I need to fall in love with them in order to fully enjoy the show in August. So there ya go. Also on the Recently Added playlist... The Virgins, We Are Scientists, NYLON Summer Playlist, new Kings of Leon, old Kings of Leon. Yeah, something like that.

"the one that's falling through the cracks"

So to rant about things that no one cares about. Got in touch with good old Danny boy again today. Hanging later this week. Can I borrow a Rosary from a good Catholic boy or girl?

"i'll tell you everything i know / every little thing i know"

Speaking of Danny, someone has started calling me Dannie lately and I absolutely love it. I don't know why. Soemthing about having a weird nickname has always been the coolest to me. That makes me lame. But that's alright. I've always been open to that.

"i'm doing my thing / i'm coming this way / my beat is correct / please enjoy"

So I just told someone that I was no longer going to participate in their life. It sounds so harsh. Considering I was once head over heels in love with this particular person. Unfortunately, they could never accept it, and to this day I doubt they would recognize the feelings I had for them. But their life has become a mess of consumption and waste and turnover, a purgatorial trigger I can't handle at this point. My own life is enough for me to concentrate on for the rest of the time I am blessed with on the rock; I can't take another into my own hands. And besides, I have tried. I have tried time and time again to take control here and fix things for this person, or try to be the silenced conscience, or just give the good advice I seem to lack on occasion, but it never took. I put so much faith in him, and I got burned worse than I could imagine. But not just once, but several different times, to the point that now, all of the pain I've been cost by this one individual has blurred together into a rainbow, smeared and ruined. A rainbow filled with every shade of black you can imagine. How beautiful it must be in comparison to those gaudy hues of pastel lies. How beautiful I must be. What's worse, I've lost my ability to place faith in anything other than the concrete. The abstract has become the enemy, and here I sit, alone, for the idea of anything less than a breathing body next to my own is no longer sufficient. And how I ramble.

If I said I was truly happy, would you believe me? You can see how I fall to pieces, but if I called it a facade, would you fucking shut up and take it like a man? Or turn away and lay blame. No. That's you.

i suffer you because you're beautiful.

This is what happened. And this is why I'm going to fall asleep with a smile tonight.

"Can you make the effort to learn how to be first withoutbeing first? Because this chase will kill you. And that's not what I want to happen. Besides. I'm much more infatuated with your flaws, like you are to mine. You're more endearing to me being imperfect."
"Are you sure?"
"Undoubtedly. It's lame to say this, but when I modeled they always told me to try not to make a statement; instead, just be a statement."

123ilovemylife? We're getting there. So getting there. Almost there. Really. And I officially love Keegan's song. It's amazing. I wish I had written it. In fact, I think I did. So there. Ha. You lose.

"i could sleep... when i lived alone... is there a ghost in my house?"

I've had a ridiculous night. Danielleparty was pretty much an epic bust (my room is so messy, tomorrow is summer cleaning...) but I feel so much better with the events. I emailed my hero. The woman I love to death and has inspired me to be who I NEED to be. I cleaned for about two seconds, then got distracted and transferred every single contact from my phone to my little address book because I kick it old school. I ate some grapefruit though thank goodness. And I determined that salty nuts would be my protein in extreme conditions. Overall, fairly productive I would say.

"yeah she's always avoided falling in love / it's due to her life as a private affair"

I think I'll finish this some other time. I just can't right now.