Something weird happens when it occurs to you that everything wrong in your life is the product of your own screwed up actions.

You feel like you aren't worth anything. Like nothing will ever be right with you again. And then you get this faint hope like maybe, maybe everything isn't as bad as you thought. Maybe they'll come back to you because really you love them so much and they must know how you've changed. But then it's back to the ground and you just have to wait it out. It's the most painful process, waiting for something you don't even know will happen.

But it's worse when it seems to be your own damn fault. You messed up somewhere along the line and every problem you have now, you can trace that back to that one moment. Easily.

So what do you do? Well, you give yourself some time. To sit, and to cry. A lot. Because if you don't give yourself the time, you'll end up taking the time and there's something to be said for dignity and tact. That's where I am. Stuck in the awkwardness of everything awful.

But then you also have to give them some time. And while you're doing that, you should go buy some shoes. Or something nice for yourself. Because then you'll feel better. You have to be happy. So that when everyone is ready to sit and talk, you'll be poised and on level with what you want. Keep in mind what you want. Always be conscious of how it's changing, what's it doing, how it's living inside of you.

This feeling is terrible. Because I know what I want. But I have no way of going and getting it.

I am in love with somebody who I've completely alienated. So if you see this, now you know. I do love you. I always have. That never changed. I promise. But. I've done so much wrong. We both have messed up. And now I don't know if you want anything to do with me. I don't even know what triggered this all. But. I'm falling apart without you. I miss everything about you. Every single thing. And I would do anything to get you back. If you're reading this, I'm sorry for everything. Sometimes I can't help myself. There's something in me that just messes things up. I love you. I really do. So much.

gonna try to make the grade.

Wow. It's been a while. It seems like things are falling out of my head. And this was one of the first, for whatever reason.

Between AP's, being sick all the time, and work, I've been so busy that I've stopped sleeping. I feel like that's probably not doing much for me.

I always talk about how unimportant the things I'm doing are, like these classes and whatnot. I've been sitting here studying physics b for an hour as it is, for an example. But it seems that as soon as I was forced to let them go a bit (I've been sick so there's not much I could do), it all falls apart when things should have been going right. I find out that yes, I can afford the schools I want to go to. Now it's my grades that will be the real challenge. I can't pull myself out of certain grades. They aren't terrible, but they aren't as good as last semester, and I certainly won't be able to change up the class rank in a good way. But really, does that matter? I'm kind of struggling with that right now. It's difficult to say. Because while I'm not wasting my time on silly things like thermophysics, I'm not getting anything better done. I'm working for $7.5o an hour, not really doing anything important. It's a great experience, and I like having money in my bank account, but really.

The point is that I need this summer more than I've ever needed a time to myself in the past. I need to recenter. I've fallen off and I need to get back on. Family, friends, fun, and above all, working to better understand who I am. This stress has killed who I used to be, but I can bring her back.

Because life isn't about the amount of money you make in one week, or beating a national average.

say try.

Isn't there something so beautiful in each one of us, so sacred and close to our souls, that nobody knows of its existence because we want to keep it for ourselves until we find the right person to share it with? Aren't we just scared of letting the wrong person see it and break it into a million, irreparable pieces? I think so. And it's so beyond lovely that I can't think of a word for it. Is there a word for it? Maybe. Maybe it's love. Maybe it's hope. Maybe it's life.

don't let them see you!

A series of events has prompted a drastic change in my lifestyle. Allow me to elaborate.

My best friend has a momentary set back related to their health. I wish that they knew exactly how much I care about them and want them to work through this. Even though I tell this person exactly this everyday, it seems that there's nothing I can do to make it clear enough. This person makes me want to live again and I feel like someone that might be worth something because of them. I love this person so much that it hurts me to see them struggling the way that they are. So for you, things will change.

If you turn around they will be gone. They will be gone.

Someone who loves me has been treated terribly by yours truly because of my indecisiveness and failure to commit to something I can trust. My trust issues cause problems left and right, and I'm sick of that. Seriously. What is my problem? So for you, things will change.

Is it a dream? Is it a lie?

The person who has had the most lasting impact on my life came back into it again yesterday. This in itself is unfortunate, because they don't belong there. Trying to tempt me back into the trap he's effectively used for almost four years, I heard the same words over again that at one time would have charmed me into submission. I want nothing to do with this person. They are not worth my time. So for you, things will change.

The power's out in the heart of man. Take if from your heart, put it in your hand.

There is this person that has come to my rescue when I least expected it and spoken words of encouragement, advice, and understanding even when the fault appears to be mine. They have helped me more than I would think possible because at one point I thought that we had nothing in common. But the human condition has linked us so inextricably. So for you, things will change.

I don't want a thing from you.

And DANTE ALEXANDER, you've made me realize that maybe there's something better. And that I'm wasting it. And now I'm going to chase it. Thank you.

o, my brothers.

At some point or another, you've really got to let it all go. You realize that it doesn't matter and that essentially you're just wasting your time. Really, what does it all come down to? The time you have here is never guaranteed, although we rarely like to put that idea into some sort of effective mannerism. We don't like changing and we hate our lives so we continue to hate our lives. It gives us something to hate. Something to blame. Something to curse when we fall apart at the feet of the momentous things at which we have failed. But it is in our hands to do these things, to change our lives, to make things what we want for them to be. If we don't do that, we have nothing to blame but ourselves. This is truth. I only say what appears to not be a lie. This is truth. We want so badly to not be responsible for our unhappiness but in effect we become to reason for our unhappiness. And that falls squarely upon us. And so, we take comfort in our unhappiness knowing that we are nothing better. Is this not the truth? Oh, I think it is not. And that is as unfortunate as the rest of the lot we are given. We are our own beginning and ending. Everything in between. It's up to us; we can rise at any moment: the tragedy is that we don't.

this is the story of a girl.

There's something to be said for that sensation you get when you wake up to a feeling you didn't realize you were even feeling. When you realize that, yes, indeed, there are arms holding the blanket down over you to keep out the draft and keep the dog from licking you because you don't like dogs licking you. It's bizarre, figuring out how numb you were before, and the amazing quality of the new found feeling. It's clear and pure, not yet tainted by our foul perception. Isn't it beautiful darling?