o, my brothers.

At some point or another, you've really got to let it all go. You realize that it doesn't matter and that essentially you're just wasting your time. Really, what does it all come down to? The time you have here is never guaranteed, although we rarely like to put that idea into some sort of effective mannerism. We don't like changing and we hate our lives so we continue to hate our lives. It gives us something to hate. Something to blame. Something to curse when we fall apart at the feet of the momentous things at which we have failed. But it is in our hands to do these things, to change our lives, to make things what we want for them to be. If we don't do that, we have nothing to blame but ourselves. This is truth. I only say what appears to not be a lie. This is truth. We want so badly to not be responsible for our unhappiness but in effect we become to reason for our unhappiness. And that falls squarely upon us. And so, we take comfort in our unhappiness knowing that we are nothing better. Is this not the truth? Oh, I think it is not. And that is as unfortunate as the rest of the lot we are given. We are our own beginning and ending. Everything in between. It's up to us; we can rise at any moment: the tragedy is that we don't.

this is the story of a girl.

There's something to be said for that sensation you get when you wake up to a feeling you didn't realize you were even feeling. When you realize that, yes, indeed, there are arms holding the blanket down over you to keep out the draft and keep the dog from licking you because you don't like dogs licking you. It's bizarre, figuring out how numb you were before, and the amazing quality of the new found feeling. It's clear and pure, not yet tainted by our foul perception. Isn't it beautiful darling?

she never dies

It's been a crazy few weeks in the life, but there it is.

New Year's Resolutions. Which are pointless because I make resolutions about every three months, or as long as it takes me to get through one set to move on to the next.

I need to calm the hell down. Because really, it's quite obnoxious how much I worry about things that do not matter and that I honestly do not care about.

Be more appreciative of the people who give me everything. Because saying "Thank you" when someone compliments your hair is not the same as saying "Thank you" to the boy who flies out 800 miles with his own money last-minute to help you cope with your mother's illness and help with babysitting your annoying siblings are not the same thing. They aren't even close.

Learn how to make decisions. It's kind of a big deal throughout life, don't you think?

Write more. Hello.

Accept myself as being truly beautiful.

There it is. I miss you all very much. With that being said, life is so gorgeous that recently I've had to just look away to keep myself from tearing up. Sometimes I just let it happen. That's when it becomes beautiful.

a different kind.

I told you to be patient.
And I told you to be fine.
I told you to be balanced.
And I told you to be kind.
Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

Sometimes we just have to let go. Nothing we do is going to work, and yet we keep trying. We're killing ourselves for something we can't even reach. And you sit down, weeping into your palms. And you let go. There's a massive amount of strength required, the fine art of abandonment. It's beautiful, you know? Letting go. Kissing your dreams adieu, because really, why are we even trying? It's silly. Let's not waste our time, because who cares? Je m'en fiche and you shouldn't either.

You let go and you move on. You settle on something realistic. What you have. What you possess. In your ill-proportioned hands. Such great means, such tiny ways. We think that everything we do matters. The weight of the world rests on this research paper. This dissertation. This presentation. The formatting of the cover page to a report no one will ever give a flying crap about. The final exam in a class that is irrelevant to the major you will study in order to obtain a degree that says nothing and will never be used.

Let's be crazy and just make enough money to get by on macaroni and own a few Gucci purses because we want to. Our boyfriends will buy us diamond rings when we're young because they're beautiful, not because they mean anything. They don't mean anything. They're becautiful. And so are we. Do you see what we mean?

Act. Because planning for it and taking all the right steps and making all the right moves are going to give you the wrong combination of everything. You aren't living life, you're giving in to the standards. I don't want standards. I want lines drawn that I can leap across. I will not feel remorse.

up all night.

Stress. It will eat away at you like the maggot it is. But then you sit in bed, drinking chocolate milk and eating a cupcake, talking to that one person that gets you, listening to your song--you know. That song. That song that you and your best friend heard on the radio that one night when you were beyond dilerious, dancing to everything, and you both looked up and went, "OH MY GOD, THIS IS OUR SONG". And from that night on, every time you see them, you think, "Our song. That's our song playing in my head".

And what's the problem with that? / I got no problem with that.

And everything melts away. Like it was meant to in the first place. We resort back to our primal states, watching youtube clips of The Upside Down Show and just sleeping. We eat food and we drink things other than coffee because really, we don't need it today, darling. We don't yell at our little sisters because, in actuality, their ungodly high pitched giggling is not annoying, but rather adorable. Probably the most adorable thing we've ever heard in our lives. We buy Christmas presents and we don't worry about going broke because the people we're giving to, we love them with everything we have. We'll make more money doing something we hate later in life. We're too young.

And if I breathe in for you / can your heart shine through? / your only pain is to feel none at all / you take away my oxygen

And then we move on with our lives, renewed in our sense of importance and the lack thereof we basely desire. Things don't matter and we're okay with that. We're more than okay with that. We're happy and we dance. We dance. We dance. We see each other through our own afflicted eyes. We've cried the same tears and really, what's the difference? When you talk, your voice reaches octaves below mine, but we never asked for that. We never asked for this. We dance. It comes together in something real, something beautiful, something not of this world and it feels good. It feels good because we feel good. The synergy is so apparent, so choking, and we are free and light. We dance. Together.

Is there anything I can do for you dear? / is there anyone i can call? / no and thank you please madame / i ain't lost just wandering

Sometimes I see you and I think that I could not be any happier with anything I've worked for in my life. Sometimes I see you and I weep because I know that I cannot have what I want. Sometimes I sit and whisper to myself that I wish you would dance with me, just one time, when nobody is watching, and it would just be you, and me, together, dancing.

my breath.

New mission: have heartfelt conversations with new people every day. Every single day.

As for today? Three.

1. "Thank you for your help. You don't know how much you helped me." After tutoring a kid in a history class.
Something about this one really hits me. Maybe because I could see directly in his eyes that he appreciated that I came over when he didn't ask for help and just pushed him through it. He went from having nothing written and probably not going anywhere with a blank document to having a solid paragraph or two written in a matter of minutes. That's why I love tutors. Yeah it's a serious pain in the butt. Trust me. But when you really help someone, there's something so cool between you. I can't describe it. I really can't.

2. "I sing disney songs in my underwear when my classes get cancelled. I'm in college." mysterygoogle.
Yes I know. It seems lame. But I love how you can type in "send a secret to x number" and you get legitimate things. This one made me feel a little less alone in the world.

3. "how does it end!? glad it's happy" mysterygoogle.
It was a send a secret, and I thought I would get in on it. I told them that I knew how my life was going to end, and even though it was a happy thing, I was somewhat denying it. We had a good conversation about what that meant and everything. Just. Very deep for some reason.

It makes me feel amazing to find an immediate connection with these people I don't know, whether it's a personal conversation or a few casual texts. And I think it kinda teaches you something about connecting with the people you do know. So I'm going to work on this. Keep going with it. Keep finding something better in people.

my mind and all the things i wanted.

Sometimes all you need is inspiration via a numb tongue, disillusioned fantasy, and wounded core.