I spent a week in a beautiful foreign country. I should have enjoyed it. But I couldn't. And for once I'm not going to accept the blame for it.

You asked me to have sex with you. I said no. And everything I said was the truth. I was afraid of what would happen. I was afraid to make that decision on that kind of notice. I was afraid. But what I didn't tell you is that I knew you weren't sticking around, so I was afraid of the inevitable. Which happened last night, the night I got home from the trip. It happened and I saw it coming all week. I also saw you blaming everything on me. I saw you turning everything I said into an anxiety filled accusation. Yes I have problems with stress. What you didn't know was that the time leading up to me finally calling you, I was hurting so bad physically from the anxiety that I almost went to the emergency room. I almost decided to just go and let it all happen.

We weren't together. I was some sort of fix for your horniness. The way we got back together was completely botched, and everything that happened the two times I saw you after that was as well. You never even tried to make this work. Because if you had cared at all, you would have known. You would have known better. You would have been better for me and for you. This could have worked, but somewhere along the line you turned into this arrogant son of a bitch whose shit don't stink. And I'm over that. I don't need that in my life.

You screwed me over, blamed it on me, and ran. You ran like hell to get out because you knew it was all bullshit. You told me something I did, something general and I've forgotten it because I'm working on forgetting you, and I can't remember what it was but I said to name one time I had done that. Name it. Anything. And you had NOTHING. The most glorious ten seconds of my life, that silence on the other end of the line that told me you were full of it and you knew it.

So if you have some sort of "truths" to share with me, you can keep them. I don't want anything to do with what you think is the truth. It's a skewed reality. And I'm done with that. I know enough about you and how you work. If you can't get over the break we took then screw you, I need someone who can grow and adapt and learn how to love someone unconditionally. You have nothing for me anymore.

one turn and i really learned what it means to see

don't you worry there my honey
we might not have any money
but we've got our love to pay the bills

maybe i think you're cute & funny
maybe i wanna do what bunnies do with you
if you know what i mean

well you might be a little confused
well you might be a little bit bruised
but baby how we spoon like no one else
so i will help you read those books
if you will soothe my worried looks
& we will put lonesome on the shelf

This is basically the story of my life right now. In case you were wondering haha.

I feel like there are so many things I can do. I can do so much. But it's impossible when nobody will let you go do them or even find out. People are afraid. I'm afraid. It's okay. I feel like if we weren't all afraid we'd have nothing linking us together. But. We have to get past the fears in order to improve anything in our lives. We can't do anything alone. Trust me. Trying to do things alone... All it will do is break your heart. And something about breaking your own heart is tragic.

I hope you're coming with me / Cause I'm not strong without you / Don't blame it on your shadows / Cause I know all about you

I still really miss you. I'm not going to sit here and say that I'm happy. I'm not happy. I'm getting there, but even when I'm happy, I won't be whole. Not until we are completely past this. I miss everything about you but that's okay. If I didn't miss you I wouldn't know how full our love was and still could be one day. Maybe we'll be like The Notebook and one day we're going to show up in each others' lives and we'll have learned our lesson which is to never let go of what you love over something stupid. We can't do that now because we're too close to the pain we've caused ourselves. We aren't detached enough. Maybe in a week, a month, a year. We'll figure it out. And maybe you'll find another girl who will cry for hours for you and come back the same as ever and will love you through the pain you put her through. But I doubt it. And maybe I'll find another guy who will hold me through the pain he puts me through and make jokes and still tell me I'm beautiful through the tears. But I doubt it. Not yet. Not for now. Maybe in a while. And not I'll come pick you up in a while, but your heart will be healed and perfect again in a while. That kind of a while. You know, the one your parents tell you about when they know that never is too shocking and anything else would be a lie. That kind of a while. So for now I'll sit and I'll wonder about things I can't change and I'll live with my regrets and every day I'll get stronger and some nights I'll cry for you because I can't watch my favorite movies anymore and some of my favorite music is still ruined. But eventually I have no doubt in my mind that whatever it is that we were meant to be will come to fruition. Something much more beautiful than this bizarre conglomerate of hurt and sorrow we are now. Something that actually belongs in this world touched by God. Something only we could see. Together.

"the first and last time i ever watched a horror movie, somebody covered my eyes and talked over the parts they knew i wouldn't want to see. guess who that person was?"

Something weird happens when it occurs to you that everything wrong in your life is the product of your own screwed up actions.

You feel like you aren't worth anything. Like nothing will ever be right with you again. And then you get this faint hope like maybe, maybe everything isn't as bad as you thought. Maybe they'll come back to you because really you love them so much and they must know how you've changed. But then it's back to the ground and you just have to wait it out. It's the most painful process, waiting for something you don't even know will happen.

But it's worse when it seems to be your own damn fault. You messed up somewhere along the line and every problem you have now, you can trace that back to that one moment. Easily.

So what do you do? Well, you give yourself some time. To sit, and to cry. A lot. Because if you don't give yourself the time, you'll end up taking the time and there's something to be said for dignity and tact. That's where I am. Stuck in the awkwardness of everything awful.

But then you also have to give them some time. And while you're doing that, you should go buy some shoes. Or something nice for yourself. Because then you'll feel better. You have to be happy. So that when everyone is ready to sit and talk, you'll be poised and on level with what you want. Keep in mind what you want. Always be conscious of how it's changing, what's it doing, how it's living inside of you.

This feeling is terrible. Because I know what I want. But I have no way of going and getting it.

I am in love with somebody who I've completely alienated. So if you see this, now you know. I do love you. I always have. That never changed. I promise. But. I've done so much wrong. We both have messed up. And now I don't know if you want anything to do with me. I don't even know what triggered this all. But. I'm falling apart without you. I miss everything about you. Every single thing. And I would do anything to get you back. If you're reading this, I'm sorry for everything. Sometimes I can't help myself. There's something in me that just messes things up. I love you. I really do. So much.

gonna try to make the grade.

Wow. It's been a while. It seems like things are falling out of my head. And this was one of the first, for whatever reason.

Between AP's, being sick all the time, and work, I've been so busy that I've stopped sleeping. I feel like that's probably not doing much for me.

I always talk about how unimportant the things I'm doing are, like these classes and whatnot. I've been sitting here studying physics b for an hour as it is, for an example. But it seems that as soon as I was forced to let them go a bit (I've been sick so there's not much I could do), it all falls apart when things should have been going right. I find out that yes, I can afford the schools I want to go to. Now it's my grades that will be the real challenge. I can't pull myself out of certain grades. They aren't terrible, but they aren't as good as last semester, and I certainly won't be able to change up the class rank in a good way. But really, does that matter? I'm kind of struggling with that right now. It's difficult to say. Because while I'm not wasting my time on silly things like thermophysics, I'm not getting anything better done. I'm working for $7.5o an hour, not really doing anything important. It's a great experience, and I like having money in my bank account, but really.

The point is that I need this summer more than I've ever needed a time to myself in the past. I need to recenter. I've fallen off and I need to get back on. Family, friends, fun, and above all, working to better understand who I am. This stress has killed who I used to be, but I can bring her back.

Because life isn't about the amount of money you make in one week, or beating a national average.