gonna try to make the grade.

Wow. It's been a while. It seems like things are falling out of my head. And this was one of the first, for whatever reason.

Between AP's, being sick all the time, and work, I've been so busy that I've stopped sleeping. I feel like that's probably not doing much for me.

I always talk about how unimportant the things I'm doing are, like these classes and whatnot. I've been sitting here studying physics b for an hour as it is, for an example. But it seems that as soon as I was forced to let them go a bit (I've been sick so there's not much I could do), it all falls apart when things should have been going right. I find out that yes, I can afford the schools I want to go to. Now it's my grades that will be the real challenge. I can't pull myself out of certain grades. They aren't terrible, but they aren't as good as last semester, and I certainly won't be able to change up the class rank in a good way. But really, does that matter? I'm kind of struggling with that right now. It's difficult to say. Because while I'm not wasting my time on silly things like thermophysics, I'm not getting anything better done. I'm working for $7.5o an hour, not really doing anything important. It's a great experience, and I like having money in my bank account, but really.

The point is that I need this summer more than I've ever needed a time to myself in the past. I need to recenter. I've fallen off and I need to get back on. Family, friends, fun, and above all, working to better understand who I am. This stress has killed who I used to be, but I can bring her back.

Because life isn't about the amount of money you make in one week, or beating a national average.

say try.

Isn't there something so beautiful in each one of us, so sacred and close to our souls, that nobody knows of its existence because we want to keep it for ourselves until we find the right person to share it with? Aren't we just scared of letting the wrong person see it and break it into a million, irreparable pieces? I think so. And it's so beyond lovely that I can't think of a word for it. Is there a word for it? Maybe. Maybe it's love. Maybe it's hope. Maybe it's life.

don't let them see you!

A series of events has prompted a drastic change in my lifestyle. Allow me to elaborate.

My best friend has a momentary set back related to their health. I wish that they knew exactly how much I care about them and want them to work through this. Even though I tell this person exactly this everyday, it seems that there's nothing I can do to make it clear enough. This person makes me want to live again and I feel like someone that might be worth something because of them. I love this person so much that it hurts me to see them struggling the way that they are. So for you, things will change.

If you turn around they will be gone. They will be gone.

Someone who loves me has been treated terribly by yours truly because of my indecisiveness and failure to commit to something I can trust. My trust issues cause problems left and right, and I'm sick of that. Seriously. What is my problem? So for you, things will change.

Is it a dream? Is it a lie?

The person who has had the most lasting impact on my life came back into it again yesterday. This in itself is unfortunate, because they don't belong there. Trying to tempt me back into the trap he's effectively used for almost four years, I heard the same words over again that at one time would have charmed me into submission. I want nothing to do with this person. They are not worth my time. So for you, things will change.

The power's out in the heart of man. Take if from your heart, put it in your hand.

There is this person that has come to my rescue when I least expected it and spoken words of encouragement, advice, and understanding even when the fault appears to be mine. They have helped me more than I would think possible because at one point I thought that we had nothing in common. But the human condition has linked us so inextricably. So for you, things will change.

I don't want a thing from you.

And DANTE ALEXANDER, you've made me realize that maybe there's something better. And that I'm wasting it. And now I'm going to chase it. Thank you.

o, my brothers.

At some point or another, you've really got to let it all go. You realize that it doesn't matter and that essentially you're just wasting your time. Really, what does it all come down to? The time you have here is never guaranteed, although we rarely like to put that idea into some sort of effective mannerism. We don't like changing and we hate our lives so we continue to hate our lives. It gives us something to hate. Something to blame. Something to curse when we fall apart at the feet of the momentous things at which we have failed. But it is in our hands to do these things, to change our lives, to make things what we want for them to be. If we don't do that, we have nothing to blame but ourselves. This is truth. I only say what appears to not be a lie. This is truth. We want so badly to not be responsible for our unhappiness but in effect we become to reason for our unhappiness. And that falls squarely upon us. And so, we take comfort in our unhappiness knowing that we are nothing better. Is this not the truth? Oh, I think it is not. And that is as unfortunate as the rest of the lot we are given. We are our own beginning and ending. Everything in between. It's up to us; we can rise at any moment: the tragedy is that we don't.

this is the story of a girl.

There's something to be said for that sensation you get when you wake up to a feeling you didn't realize you were even feeling. When you realize that, yes, indeed, there are arms holding the blanket down over you to keep out the draft and keep the dog from licking you because you don't like dogs licking you. It's bizarre, figuring out how numb you were before, and the amazing quality of the new found feeling. It's clear and pure, not yet tainted by our foul perception. Isn't it beautiful darling?

she never dies

It's been a crazy few weeks in the life, but there it is.

New Year's Resolutions. Which are pointless because I make resolutions about every three months, or as long as it takes me to get through one set to move on to the next.

I need to calm the hell down. Because really, it's quite obnoxious how much I worry about things that do not matter and that I honestly do not care about.

Be more appreciative of the people who give me everything. Because saying "Thank you" when someone compliments your hair is not the same as saying "Thank you" to the boy who flies out 800 miles with his own money last-minute to help you cope with your mother's illness and help with babysitting your annoying siblings are not the same thing. They aren't even close.

Learn how to make decisions. It's kind of a big deal throughout life, don't you think?

Write more. Hello.

Accept myself as being truly beautiful.

There it is. I miss you all very much. With that being said, life is so gorgeous that recently I've had to just look away to keep myself from tearing up. Sometimes I just let it happen. That's when it becomes beautiful.

a different kind.

I told you to be patient.
And I told you to be fine.
I told you to be balanced.
And I told you to be kind.
Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

Sometimes we just have to let go. Nothing we do is going to work, and yet we keep trying. We're killing ourselves for something we can't even reach. And you sit down, weeping into your palms. And you let go. There's a massive amount of strength required, the fine art of abandonment. It's beautiful, you know? Letting go. Kissing your dreams adieu, because really, why are we even trying? It's silly. Let's not waste our time, because who cares? Je m'en fiche and you shouldn't either.

You let go and you move on. You settle on something realistic. What you have. What you possess. In your ill-proportioned hands. Such great means, such tiny ways. We think that everything we do matters. The weight of the world rests on this research paper. This dissertation. This presentation. The formatting of the cover page to a report no one will ever give a flying crap about. The final exam in a class that is irrelevant to the major you will study in order to obtain a degree that says nothing and will never be used.

Let's be crazy and just make enough money to get by on macaroni and own a few Gucci purses because we want to. Our boyfriends will buy us diamond rings when we're young because they're beautiful, not because they mean anything. They don't mean anything. They're becautiful. And so are we. Do you see what we mean?

Act. Because planning for it and taking all the right steps and making all the right moves are going to give you the wrong combination of everything. You aren't living life, you're giving in to the standards. I don't want standards. I want lines drawn that I can leap across. I will not feel remorse.