my breath.

New mission: have heartfelt conversations with new people every day. Every single day.

As for today? Three.

1. "Thank you for your help. You don't know how much you helped me." After tutoring a kid in a history class.
Something about this one really hits me. Maybe because I could see directly in his eyes that he appreciated that I came over when he didn't ask for help and just pushed him through it. He went from having nothing written and probably not going anywhere with a blank document to having a solid paragraph or two written in a matter of minutes. That's why I love tutors. Yeah it's a serious pain in the butt. Trust me. But when you really help someone, there's something so cool between you. I can't describe it. I really can't.

2. "I sing disney songs in my underwear when my classes get cancelled. I'm in college." mysterygoogle.
Yes I know. It seems lame. But I love how you can type in "send a secret to x number" and you get legitimate things. This one made me feel a little less alone in the world.

3. "how does it end!? glad it's happy" mysterygoogle.
It was a send a secret, and I thought I would get in on it. I told them that I knew how my life was going to end, and even though it was a happy thing, I was somewhat denying it. We had a good conversation about what that meant and everything. Just. Very deep for some reason.

It makes me feel amazing to find an immediate connection with these people I don't know, whether it's a personal conversation or a few casual texts. And I think it kinda teaches you something about connecting with the people you do know. So I'm going to work on this. Keep going with it. Keep finding something better in people.

my mind and all the things i wanted.

Sometimes all you need is inspiration via a numb tongue, disillusioned fantasy, and wounded core.

love like a sunset, pt. I

Do I have enough time to post a blog? Maybe. I have like five minutes before my dad comes over. My mom is out for the night and I'm stuck here, reviewing for a calc test and preparing for my league audition tomorrow.

I feel like a greedy little kid, however. I used to spend all my nights here, simply sitting and thinking and wishing and cranking out ap physics and studying and never having enough time somehow. But now I spend every last moment of my time doing something that's going to make a lasting impression, something different, something I'm proud of, something that I'm going to look back on in my down time and say "You know, that was a good call" and start laughing about it. I manage to keep my feet moving at all times. There is never a moment where I can honestly say that I have nothing to do. If it isn't hours of homework to whip through, it's a group project starting at Starbucks and ending on youtube. It's a lunch date that starts at breadco and eats in the Barbie aisle, hitting the turtle tanks somewhere in between. It's a night out with my best friend, starting with dinner, ending with a full blown screaming match to the tune of anything by The Killers, and somewhere in there we wandered about aimlessly in the dark trying to understand how things worked. It's a night staying in, cuddled under the covers with a mug of hot chocolate, thinking about someone I love, reading the book I've bee meaning to get around to for months and finally feeling accomplished. There's something always, always.

And the thing is that it's always been like that. There's something always. There always has been. You just have to see it that way. You just have to say "Okay, this is what this moment defines". I'm not defined by my Ed Hardy shoes or my Starbucks habit. I sit back and think about all of the times I have done nothing and thought "I am so bored. I hate my life. This is what it has become. Who I have become," and I realize, I am not a byproduct of what is happening; I am the creator of what becomes of those precious moments. You make something out of it. You say "Okay there's something that comes out of that," whether it's you got to think about life, you got to think about yourself, or you just got to take a nap and wake up refreshed and ready to go, there is SOMETHING there. I guess it's taken me some time to figure that one out. But now that I have, I feel a lot better about everything.

Not that I have much to complain about right now. My family situation is a mess at best, but I have little control over that, and I'm doing what I can. I've recently been reassured of the amazing quality of friends I have. I have people who care about me like I'm all that matters in their world. But really what does it come down to? Me. Knowing that I'm okay, that I know what's going on, that I can go forward alone if I have to. Not having to is just the icing on the cake, ya know?

you don't hold a candle.

"How fatalistic of you." Thanks. I appreciate that. There is an end and you don't get to decide it. There is a journey and only you can navigate it. Someone else chooses your destination; no one else determines your passage to getting there. Regardless, our end is not our own but someone else's, someone who may be generous, or someone who may want to play the omnipotence to the fullest disgrace they could. It isn't even your call. You have no control over your ends. But your means are all yours, only yours. So for everything you're worth, take hold of what you can. Do something with what you're given: the freedom to choose before the end.

look outside the raincoats coming.

Wow I am really tired. Just thought I'd share that to start things off.



"can you stop? / me i'm not / can you stop? / come on me i'm not / please"



So I'm kind of mid-revelation, if you'd like to label it that way. Which I would, actually. So there you go. Basically I'm just kind of drifting because I have hit the point where I am fully aware that none of this matters. The life I am building for myself is only dependent upon myself. The friends I have or don't have are going to fade for the most part. This isn't meant to offend anyone, but let's be realistic. I plan on going to a school out east, whether that happens to be within this country or not. Chances are, I'm not going to know anyone going in, and the kicker is that once I have my degree, I'm not coming back here, or to St. Louis, or anywhere I've previously been. I'll be out, going, doing. Therefore I have been putting all of my energies into building a prosperous future for myself: marching band for the application; four AP classes and more slated for next year for my GPA, application, and general knowledge so I don't make a fool of myself; things like writing tutors also for my application. I research the things I want to study so that I have a clear picture of what my life will become once I achieve what I am striving for at present. I know where I'm going. The most frustrating part is not being able to get there. Each day drags on and on. But the worst part is that the things I am forsaking now for the ease of the future are now driving me crazy. It's difficult not really focusing on your social life when you're burnt out on a Friday night, sitting alone at home, knowing that you can't make plans because there's no one who would want to hang out with you. For lack of a better term, it sucks.



"i can't keep counting on irrelevant friends / if everybody knows how it's gonna end / why doesn't someone stop me?"



I feel alone. Some days I feel alone because I need to feel that way. I figure it will make my life easier. Sometimes it is just better to keep a distance. Other days I know that I am alone because people don't like me. I can be a harsh, critical, pessimistic person that people don't like to be around. I explain this by saying that most people just don't understand me (nor do they take the time to do so), and really this gets me back to why I don't try with a lot of people: the people I will meet in the future will actually want to get to understand me because they will not be sixteen and seventeen year old drama leeches. So why bother? Why waste who I am on people who don't get it already, or won't put it to good use over time?

"eyes burning away to me / overwhelm / destroying so sweetly"

High school is the epic demise of your life. Stop pretending that it means something. All it does is allow you to abuse your potential and see people for what they can allow themselves to become in a disgustingly appropriate fashion. You are something above this. You mean more. Please darling don't fall because your standards are independent of the mockery of a life those around you are leading. And oh don't you see it, the beautiful colors you're mixing for tomorrow. Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow we will paint and we will paint and we will paint.

"i just want i just want love / something / something for nothing / yeah something / something for nothing / i'm a beggar and a chooser / i'm a accused / an accuser / but nothing's unconditional"

& it feels so good.

Okay. First off. I love this new layout. It's cute. And somehow it seems like it legitimately (note proper use of the adverbial form of LEGIT/LEGITIMATE) reflects a change in who you actually are. Leah and I talked about this earlier. So don't scoff. Embrace it.


"need i say i love you / need i say i care / need i say that emotions / are something we don't share?"




So many things have been going on. Let's see. Basically I've realized that going back isn't always such a bad thing. I've restored things with an old friend and I am very excited about that. Like. REAL excited. Cause he's such a great guy. I've also come to the conclusion that I am fully settled and I have a definitive best friend and she makes my day every day. I've forgotten what that's like, having that one friend (not a boyfriend, though, or anything impermanent) that you always meet before your first class, or wait for at lunch before going to get settled where you sit every day, or cram for important tests with because you both kinda forgot the night before. It gives you a feeling of... Well, of a constant force pushing for ya, no matter what. It makes you happy and it's the most fantastic thing ever.



So I was writing this the other day and SO MUCH has happened since then. Okay BASICALLY I'm going to Homecoming with aforementioned great guy. And I have these absolutely gnarly burns all over myself from an alpine slide accident. And they really hurt. My sister and I were going down, having a good time or whatever (she's seven, she thought it was the coolest thing ever, so I naturally did too) and we hit a turn too fast, our balance was off with both of us on, we bailed but the sled dragged us down the concrete, and I yanked my sister on top of me so she wouldn't loose some teeth or anything and lost some serious skin in the process. Owwwww. But it's cool. I have war scars(:

Okay I've left this blog like eighteen times so I'm just going to post it how it is and try again tomorrow when I'm less scatterbrained. Woo hoo.

she says she has no time.

So school has pushed me past my acceptable limits. I am so stressed that every short conversation with my family has become a snapping match. Without a thermos full of coffee Thursday morning, I literally could not function until fourth period. Black and white have faded to grey. It's a disaster. I have no time for anything. I do not sleep. I hardly eat. I am in constant physical pain from sunburn and lack of sleep and dehydration.

"love / like the summer of 69 / move / like we're alone we're alone we're alone in the sea"

But really. I'm very happy. Things are weird and they hurt a little bit and I don't understand them but it all turns out in the end.

"now we're getting on fire / matchsticks in our eyes"

People from my past keep coming back to me. I don't understand it but it's really... It's bizarre. It's like some sort of sign. I don't know. It just seems to me that I don't need to go looking far for what I need. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I've been that way a lot lately. Just don't know what I'm thinking. Here's what I have to say however. This too shall pass. Like. I hate to word things this way, but GET OVER IT. It's harsh but it's real and it's true and it wouldn't hit a nerve if it didn't mean something. I have to tell myself all the time to just shut up and get over it. Think about it. Every time something has broken your heart, shattered your dreams, or made your day just SUCK, what happened? Every time, it was countered. Maybe not directly by a particular action, no. But maybe by time. Yes. We will always be healed. This is I can guarantee. It may take more time than you think is appropriate or that you can handle. But you can do it. I have faith in you, darling. You'll pull through. Take one in the teeth and just wait. Sit down, grab Newsweek and examine the dumb far-side commentary. Please.

"i won't walk away"

Whatever you do, don't make decisions until you're in a position of at least partial healing. Please. I pray that you don't follow my indentation of pain. Don't let go. Hold on tighter. You'll regret it darling, I swear by it as I wake up every morning to the sound of the song that chokes me up and tears me apart. So be good. Soyez sage! Je vous aimez(: