the pillar of damage control.

I'm sitting around listening to all of my new music. It's a glorious feeling. Right now I'm plowing through the new Green Day album. It's actually pretty good so far, but they have about 16 songs left to make me hate them. I've just sort of figured however that I need to fall in love with them in order to fully enjoy the show in August. So there ya go. Also on the Recently Added playlist... The Virgins, We Are Scientists, NYLON Summer Playlist, new Kings of Leon, old Kings of Leon. Yeah, something like that.

"the one that's falling through the cracks"

So to rant about things that no one cares about. Got in touch with good old Danny boy again today. Hanging later this week. Can I borrow a Rosary from a good Catholic boy or girl?

"i'll tell you everything i know / every little thing i know"

Speaking of Danny, someone has started calling me Dannie lately and I absolutely love it. I don't know why. Soemthing about having a weird nickname has always been the coolest to me. That makes me lame. But that's alright. I've always been open to that.

"i'm doing my thing / i'm coming this way / my beat is correct / please enjoy"

So I just told someone that I was no longer going to participate in their life. It sounds so harsh. Considering I was once head over heels in love with this particular person. Unfortunately, they could never accept it, and to this day I doubt they would recognize the feelings I had for them. But their life has become a mess of consumption and waste and turnover, a purgatorial trigger I can't handle at this point. My own life is enough for me to concentrate on for the rest of the time I am blessed with on the rock; I can't take another into my own hands. And besides, I have tried. I have tried time and time again to take control here and fix things for this person, or try to be the silenced conscience, or just give the good advice I seem to lack on occasion, but it never took. I put so much faith in him, and I got burned worse than I could imagine. But not just once, but several different times, to the point that now, all of the pain I've been cost by this one individual has blurred together into a rainbow, smeared and ruined. A rainbow filled with every shade of black you can imagine. How beautiful it must be in comparison to those gaudy hues of pastel lies. How beautiful I must be. What's worse, I've lost my ability to place faith in anything other than the concrete. The abstract has become the enemy, and here I sit, alone, for the idea of anything less than a breathing body next to my own is no longer sufficient. And how I ramble.

If I said I was truly happy, would you believe me? You can see how I fall to pieces, but if I called it a facade, would you fucking shut up and take it like a man? Or turn away and lay blame. No. That's you.

faberge falls for shuggie.

So here's the deal ladies (Grace) & gentlemen (Keegan). (My audience consists of two people who already know what's going on BEFORE I blog about it.) I flew back from St. Louis last night. It was the biggest pain the butt ever due to flight delays and a lack of cash for bagels even though I ended up getting one anyhow and whatnot, but here I am, alive and mostly in one piece. The trip itself was actually pretty great. I was worried about fighting with Lindsay, but that never really came up. We spent probably 90% of our time together (I opted out to see some family from about 9 til 1 AM one night, and chatted with some old friends while we were at Six Flags together) and only had like two awkward tiffs, if that. I was able to see a few old friends and some family members that haven't attended family get togethers in the last two years, making our correspondence completely impossible.

"i can say i hope it will be worth what i give up if i could stand of mean for the things that i believe"

Lindsay also semi-set me up with a guy. A boy. Oh dear. As you probably know, I'm fairly OVER people, especially those of the male persuasion. So when her not-quite-boyfriend Dylan brought his best friend Gannon over to the house, I wasn't exactly OPEN to the idea of being even remotely nice to either of the boys. He impressed me as witty and slightly goofy. Whatever. Who cares. Well the boys just happened to be there when we went to Six Flags the next day, and due to our shared dislike for Mr. Freeze, Gannon and I got to talking about (of all things, gasp) music. We had really similar tastes and it was kinda nice to talk to someone who had intelligent views on bands like Green Day and White Stripes. Our conversation continued in line for the next ride, and as we were leaving he asked about my departure and whatnot. I was very excited because he showed an interest in me similar to the one I had in him. The four of us hung out the next day, watching A Beautiful Mind at Lindsay's, then having dinner at Pasta House, both activities courtesy of yours truly. And the rest is history, really. Details would bore you all, and we all know I don't want to drag on about something no one cares about...

"have you seen me cry tears like diamonds / down and down they fly, faster and faster like the speed of our love / batting a thousand, but a homerun crack at love / there is where i tell you that, i know that love's what i need to work at, oh"

So here I am, sitting in bed, on round two of coffee, this time a short, skinny vanilla latte, listening to the free playlist I snagged from NYLON, talking to a few different people, and really just pondering all of the things I've been through lately. I find it amazing how much I have changed and essentially how much I have not. The tough times make you feel like you have to change, I've realized. They make you think that what you're doing is wrong, and obviously your person is just a big mess. But when you sit down and think about it, you can make tiny character adjustments that may be an improvement, but essentially you will never change. Never. That's just the way it is. Why? Probably because everytime I've gotten screwed over, although I will admit the fault was partially mine, it was mostly the fault of someone else being a terrible excuse for a person. The only changes I've made are to be a nicer and more well-rounded person, and also to become more grounded in myself. Basically, I haven't changed who I am, but become more aware of who I am. And I'm really liking the way that that sounds right about now.

"don't meddle with the heart / or meddle with the mind / or meddle with the things that are inside / don't know what you'll find / don't know what she hides"

Love you all (two).

why don't you leave me alone.

I don't have much to say. I'm flying out of here tomorrow morning, and coming back Thursday night. If this doesn't help things, I don't know what will. Okay just kidding I do but THAT isn't going to happen.

"how you gonna feel when she turns around / and says 'you broke another heart that was broken down'?"

pancakes for one.

I'm kind of stuck in this mood where everything SUCKS. Yeah. That's where we're at. Being optimistic and happy is so fun. But so draining and difficult when you just don't have it in you anymore. And that is what I'm experiencing currently. All I can look forward to is going back home Sunday. But even that has lost it's shine. I worry about fighting with Lindsay instead of enjoying our time together. I worry about discovering that I no longer matter to all of those people I still miss immensely. I worry about what I said to Justin last night because all I really did was make myself sound like an idiot, and even though I worry that I screwed up his life, I know that isn't even possible because I don't matter anymore.

"i always loved you, you always had a lot of style / i'd hate to see you on the pile / of 'nearly made it's, you've got the essence, dear / if i could have a second skin i'd probably dress up in you"

I've got this analogy going about puzzles, and how I'm just a puzzle piece trying to be smooshed into the wrong puzzle essentially. I came from another box, but I don't know where that box is. I have such a good idea of what the picture is. I know what I want to picture on the box to look like, and therefore the puzzle as well. But I don't know where to find the right puzzle. Keegan said I need to find the person to show me, but I don't know where to find them either. The conversation I had with Leah last night revolved around the fact that we're 16 and already looking for that person and it's really just quite draining because we're depressed from not finding them but essentially we have no means and it's unrealistic. It's such a crushing defeat. I don't even know where to go with myself now.

"whose house are you haunting tonight?"

I've lived my whole life forward, forward, never thinking for the present. I know I will reap the benefits of that in the future. I will be happy, successful, contented and beautifully in place. But right now I am suffering through the mishaps and hellacious misfortune of not thinking for the present whatsoever. So I guess I'll go drink a latte.

don't complicate my peace of mind.

Excuse me. But I'm back. And I'm kickin. Here's the deal kiddies. I've been dealing with some seriously crappy crap lately. And I ain't puttin up with it anymore. Stick that in your juice box. Seriously. I'm done letting other people define who I am. Because I love who I am, right now. Listening to dios malos or something, sipping on coffee that is not even warm anymore, talking to Keegan about shamwow & JR about the fact that his name is JR. My self-culture is profound, my loyalty unyielding, and my intelligence admirable. I have the best friends in the world, always there when I need them, and I return that favour when need be. I know that when I text my girls about what some tool did to me, there will be a phone call within 30 seconds with them SCREAMING their asses off about what manparts said tool would be missing if she had the opportunity to track him down.

"gold teeth are the curse of this town / they're all in my mouth / but i don't know how"

I don't need a guy to get me through anything. At all. In fact, I'm probably better off without a guy for the time being. Why? Because there is no point in wasting my time and energy on a guy that doesn't complete me perfectly. When I'm in a relationship, I give my ALL to it, and treat him like he's the bee's knees. If I'm not going to get that back, it's not worth my own efforts. Heartbreak is never welcome.

"i'll never get it / cause i'll never grow old / and i'm never as tired as when i'm wakin up / though it feels like i'm in love again / but not with you"

So hello world. This is Danielle, no longer afraid to be who she is. Because if someone can't handle ALL of this, the ridiculous dancing, the pointless blathering, the four am phone calls, the caffeine crashes, the bad taste in fashion, then I don't want anything to do with them. They don't deserve me at that point; the problem then is passed from me to them.

you are the fortunate one.

"it hurts to feel anything / the heart is just a muscle / and it's beating through a selfish man"

I don't know what to say at this point. It sounds so pathetic and false. But I've never been in a position like this that truly hurts so badly, and I'm straight up being TOLD that everything is fine. Like really? Alright. So if that's what you want, that's just dandy. Everything is now FINE. I'm not going to do anything to try to fix any of this. I'm not even going to initiate any more of that conversation. I'm going to pretend that everything is perfect, and act as such. I'm going to keep my distance, but make affectionate contact when necessary to keep things afloat. Because as much as I hate to say it, I think we need each other in a sick and disgusting way. It literally turns my stomach to think about what I'm going through for the sake of a distant ideal. But maybe time will bring about what I'm waiting for. Because if there's going to be an arm's length distance, I'm gonna crush that arm into a million bloody, shattered pieces. I'm gonna win. I'm gonna break it. And then I'll be okay. Until then, I need a latte, stat.

let's cut our boxes at both ends.

I don't know what to say anymore. I'm very confused and very unsure about what to do. I'm "sleeping on it" apparently. Ugh... I would ask for help but I am too embarrassed. Not ashamed. Never regret. Never ever. But embarrassed, maybe, yeah...