we drop down dead.

Things are looking up in a variety of ways. Band went real well today and I don't see any problems presenting themselves further in the season. I'm getting my hair done tomorrow and I've wanted to for SUCH a long time. Justin has things to tell me after I give him his blueoctober brownies. I'm optimistic about things now and letting go of those things that have been weighing me down lately. Summer has become a learning experience for me.

"when the stars are look the same / don't feel the cold or wind or rain / everything will be okay / and we will meet again one day / and i will shine on for everyone / shine one for everyone"

BEING HAPPY IS GOOD. Try it some time.

inspire me.

So far, these are the ideas I have for the quoted/inspired summer list Keegan and I are working on together...

1. Have a day where alllllll I do is watch movies. And eat. Possibly pee. Couch Potato - Weird Al
2. Take LOTS of model-esque photos, &
3. Jump out a window. I'm Not Okay - My Chemical Romance
4. Count ceiling tiles in a HUGE room. Or all the ones in an office building. Happiness is Overrated - Airborne Toxic Event
5. Check tire pressure, &
6. Clean oven. Everything Is Alright - Motion City Soundtrack
7. Go to a petting zoo. Still Take You Home - Arctic Monkeys
8. Use audio/aural ammunition, &
9. Do the evil Joe Strummer laugh as many times as possible in one day. This Is Radio Clash - The Clash
10. Go trick-or-treating. In July. Masquerade - Andrew Lloyd Webber
11. Recreate the First Day of My Life video by Bright Eyes.
12. Shoot a reenactment of The Shining, &
13. Build a fort in the woods. Jeremy Fraser - Franz Ferdinand
14. Make & wear sweet headdresses. Headdress - Amazing Baby
15. Learn how to hand-jive. Born to Hand Jive - Sha-Na-Na
16. Sing karaoke. Often. It's My Life - Bon Jovi
17. Go to a thrift store. Indie Rock n Roll -The Killers
18. Go to the opera. Van Tango - Franz Ferdinand
19. Play with a parachute - Faberge Falls for Shuggie - of Montreal
20. Make (and/or become) a scarecrow. Scarecrow - Beck
21. Smash up terrible cds. Kill Rock n Roll - System of a Down
22. Unravel an ugly sweat, possibly bought at aforementioned thrift shop. Undone (Sweater Song) - Weezer
23. Write a random but totally awesome song on the spot. A Song to Pass the Time - Bright Eyes
24. Learn a tribal dance. In costume. Love Lockdown - Kanye West
25. Film a war reenactment. Think Platoon. The Ghost of You - My Chemical Romance
26. Build a small city. Light on fire. Repeat. This Fire - Franz Ferdinand
27. Live in backwards slo-mo as long as possible. The Scientist - Coldplay
28. Ride LOTS of elevators. Stuck in a Glass Elevator - Myriad
29. Take pictures by the pool. Beverly Hills - Weezer
30. Go on a gas station shopping spree. Strange Things Are Afoot at the Circle K - The Victim Of
31. Stand/sit as close to random people as possible. Don't Stand So Close To Me - The Police
32. Write a polka. Angry White Boy Polka - Weird Al
33. Learn phrases in a new language that pretty much no one speaks. A New Language - Myriad
34. Learn to cook. Hedonistic Me - Born Ruffians
35. Become a neon tiger. Neon Tiger - The Killers
36. Drive a Chevy to the levee, &
37. Find some pink carnations. American Pie - Don McLean
38. Dress and do hair like an Asian greaser. Nothing to Worry About - Peter Bjorn and John
39. Act like we're straight out of Clockwork Orange (members of Alex's droog posse haha). Ulysses - Franz Ferdinand
40. Have puppets speak for us for a day. Evil - Interpol
41. Tell all my friends how much I love them. My Friends - Red Hot Chili Peppers
42. Look like Dee Snyder,
43. Rock!!!, &
44. Fight EVERYTHING. We're Not Gonna Take It - Twisted Sister
45. Catch Grease at least five times on TV. Grease - Frankie Valli
46. Take ten for EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING. Kiss Off - Violent Femmes
47. Find a positive for every negative ever. Dashboard - Modest Mouse
48. Find my reflection in the stereo. Sweet Troubled Soul - stellastarr*
49. Learn a song in another language. Tell Her Tonight - Franz Ferdinand
50. Ride a train. Wishing Well - Airborne Toxic Event
51. "I'm not lost, just wandering." Hometown Glory - Adele
52. Write our own version os popcorn since everyone else has already. Popcorn
53. Get & use dancing shoes. Dancing Shoes - Arctic Monkeys
54. Make things out of jelly. Jellybones - The Unicorns
55. Call a cab. Mr. Brightside - The Killers
56. Bury something six feet under. Self-taught Learner - Lissy Trullie
57. Go to a fleamarket. Born in a Fleamarket - stellastarr*
58. See the lights from a rooftop. Anthem of Our Dying Day - Story of the Year
59. Walk with a ghost. Walking With a Ghost - Tegan & Sara
60. Act like Bukowski. Bukowski - Modest Mouse
61. Write said song. I Will Never Write an Obligatory Song About Being on the Road and Missing Someone - Say Anything
62. Make someone's head explode from talking. If You Talk Too Much (My Head Will Explode) - People In Planes
63. Directly contradict everything everyone says for a day. That's All - Genesis
64. Be hung up to dry. Hang Me Up to Dry - Cold War Kids
65. Sit in a boggy marsh. Lump - The Presidents of the United States
66. Feed the ground. Fly Trapped in a Jar - Modest Mouse
67. Do pretty much everything in the song. Ur So Gay - Katy Perry

& i've been planning something big.

Today was just flatout interesting. I woke up from my standard nightmare. I scored an out for a fourth grade kickball team. I gave the host at an Italian restaurant a dirty look for looking at for me one second too long. I learned how to organize a shrimp boil and how much a bouncy castle costs to rent. I made plans to go back home for the holiday in a couple weeks. I made my pic on twitter green.

"now the blow's been softened cause we are our own damn coffin / well / everybody's talkin bout their short list / everybody's talking bout their--"

I'm getting pretty excited about life again. If only I could hold onto this feeling. It's like that book. Um. About the red balloon, yeah? We read it in Spectra back in the day, and then saw a play about it and honestly it was kind of stupid but here's the point: If you were to equate happiness with some balloon that you have to hold on to, I would have the retarded, defected balloon. Seriously. Because not only do I have to hold on to it, but once I let go, it sticks around. It's like the moment I decide I can't hold on any longer, or just slip in my stance, the dumb thing loses pressure, always staying just within my grasp. And yes, I am aware of how stupid this sounds. Kay? But it kind of makes sense.

"love is all you need / she loves you yeah yeah yeah"

My goal is to crank out a piece tonight. Cause it's really all up there in my brain. I swear. Over the past month or so, I've collected enough experiences and random bits to work with quite indefinitely. So I'm gonna put that pen to paper and change the course of my present, therefore polishing my future, and dulling my past. It's something to be thankful for, a way to erase the pain & supficialities of the life we're currently leading. Seriously. For all of my talk about the life I want to lead, what am I doing to jumpstart my transition from upper caste-victim to that higher ideal I have set for myself? Nothing. Well, not nothing, but easily not enough. For all we talk about wanting to change our lives and how disgusted we are with where we are, as a whole, we do extremely little to actually alter our position. Why? Mostly because we like to say that we're so bored of our lives, and that we're being held back by our surroundings (location and otherwise), to have something else to blame. Because if we were truly to take our lives into our own hands, we would be great. We could do things. We could go places, and be contented with the decisions we make. But instead we chooce to leave life as the easy scapegoat. And you know what? I'm sick of it, and done with it.

"you said that night that we might run away / and yes we'll end up in some better place / and once we'd gone there'd be no coming back"

I'm taking the plunge. Back down the rabbithole for Danielle. Maybe the fear of rejection pushed me out. Maybe rejection itself pushed me out. But I'm going back and there is nothing that a single one of you can do about it.

"i can't pretend i need to defend some part of me from you / i know i've spent some time all lying"

Welcome back to Wonderland, darling. We've missed you, and don't you lie and say you haven't missed this part of yourself. You knew it all along. We are only your figments of hope and success. Continue on, lonely daughter; we hold nothing for you but yourself. Continue on, hopeless sprite; this life is dead for you, and will be forevermore. So go die a death more articulate. Dance swiftly into the coffin of your own beautiful repose.

"here i've been lucid / i'm living within / inwardly urgent / i'm sinking again / the lighthouse"

Will you be missed?

i think i'm sick but i might be well.

So I've been feeling pretty sick all day long. I actually couldn't finish the class I was taking at the gym this morning. I totally pansied out, and I'm not very happy about that.

"that silence isn't fooling anyone"

I've been having this conversatoin with a certain Jones that has gotten to be quite interesting. Basically, the only reason I even contacted him after my trip to STL was to pester him and make him feel lousy for making me so mad whilst at Six Flags that one day. This, however, has transformed into a highly informative talk about live, perception, and fears. I'm not the only one whose greatest fear is to be alone. In fact, there are more people who share that concern than I could possibly know, I've come to realize over the past while. Maybe those people who are afraid of being alone just need to come together. Because they have the same priorities. And I think that we look at things differently, honestly. We see things from a tainted viewpoint. Life is more about preservation and maintenance than curing the strife.

"every little thing she does is magic"

I'm actually real sad right now, for no particular reason I guess. But I'm working through it and really just trying to see things as rationally as possible. You should all know that that may be somewhat difficult for yours truly.

"ohh a working class face glares back at me / from the glass and lurches / oh forgive me on the streets i ran / turn sickness into popular song"

I'm gonna write something slightly more... Intelligent later. Right now, I'm on to the great job hunt it appears. Let's do this.

totally not cool.

The fear of rejection is no longer a fear, it is a reality. And no I'd rather not talk about it, or even acknowledge it's existance, but rather hint at it now to preface the following post, then forget about it.

I'm some sort of two year old. Some white beacon of purity and innocence that cannot be tainted by the pressures of this world. At least that's everyone's excuse nowadays. I can't even handle this. It's not so much the rejection, but the crap behind it. The fact that you don't want to mess with this? I don't think so. Shove your head back up where it belongs.

Why am I not in Scotland yet?

This is heartbreak, and this is bloody. I am not who I am being persecuted for being. Call in Sydney. C'est fini.

public enemy.

I just need to think out loud. Because right now I'm having a really hard time getting around the grey matter in my head. There's actually something up there apparently. How do I know? Cause it hurts. Massive.

"what i want is what i need / she's a public enemy"

So this guy gets a hold of me. And we've had an itneresting history I suppose you could say. Not interesting enough to share all of the details, however. And really, they're fairly well known anyhow. But we started talking last week and decided we should hang out some time this week, get coffee or something like that. (We got coffee before my loooong rehearsal that one day, at 7am. It's just kinda what we do.) Well whatever, I wasn't exactly expecting to hear much from him until maybe Wednesday or something. Just to get some details together. Except that obviously I was wrong. Today around 4 or so I got a sound file from him on my phone. It was some song, and although I couldn't pick out many of the lyrics (the sound quality when you record, send & play back via cell phones leaves much to be desired), I could clearly discern the line "you're the only reason i'm trying". So I asked him what was going on, and received the reply, "I think I still really like you and if that means changing and staying clean then so be it". So he wants to get clean for me in a roundabout way. What the hey ho am I supposed to do now? It isn't like things are just supposed to go back to the way they were. Cause I mean, before the whole INCIDENT (dun dun dunnnnnn... what a load of crap that was) things were good. I was happy. (I know, right?)

"i'll make it seem like i'm stronger but i'm quite the actor / but now i'm so caught up and i can't escape this pattern / but when i started losing hope, there you were, there you bloomed"

And it isn't like my life hasn't moved on. Because trust me, it has. I've got other things going on. One thing you learn through life in the fast lane: the social scene changes every second. Il y a quelques instants? Yeah. Something just changed. I promise. Life will ALWAYS move on without you. That's another thing I've picked up on lately. This whole living two separate lives (one in Denver, one in STL) has really screwed things up. When I'm here, my friends back home change. They form new relationships, understand themselves differently, and change drastically. When I'm back there, I have much catching up to do. Whilst there, however, the people in Denver are also moving on at lifespeed, with or without me. There's so much to think about, always.

"let's get down in barcelona / i like romancing but i don't wanna / let's get down in barcelona / tonight we're dancing like tomorrow / falling down, falling down, touch the ground, touch the ground / going mad, going mad, not too bad, not too bad"

I'm a little lost, I've got these fishies in my head, but I'm really gonna be okay. I get through it every time. Mini episodes contribute to the greater picture. And I'm no Michelangelo. This is the black cloud of Kandinsky's Woman. You must work through the cloud to reach the flower, waiting patiently upon the side table.

i wonder when i'll hit the ground.

So I guess I finally got through to him. Too bad for him that it was entirely too late. There isn't a chance in hell of things ever going back to even half of what they used to be. Am I remorseful? Aye. How much? Not much. Because for once I'm doing something that's good for ME first, and then all else second.

"come on get gone / the night is young / i'm blackin out / but it's been fun"

I have this urge to just sit aorund and watch movies today. It's the perfect weather. It can't decide if it wants to rain or not. I'm not doing anything else, really, so why shouldn't I just waste another day doing nothing? Fight Club and Boondock Saints sounds like a good combination, don't you think? I should be reading for AP Lit, but something in me right now is completely against productive whatsoever. Most likely just cause I'm a moron, but ya know. Whatev.

"boom sha lacka / he's walkin up to me / boom sha lacka / he starts talkin to me"

Yeah. I don't know. I'm kind of in a weird mood right now. Maybe I'll figure something out.