is this the feeling i need to walk with?

Yeahh, that was Backstreet Boys, in case you were wondering. There is NOTHING wrong with boy bands from back when we were like ten. Seriously.

"i've seen this one too many times"

I haven't blogged in forever for a few reasons. Mostly I've been cooped up doing homework for APLit & APUSH. But aside from that, band has consumed my life. I can't hardly walk & my shoulders absolutely kill. I'm sunburnt beyond recognition and my nerves are shot from freshmen, underclassmen, upperclassmen, leadership, entitled beneficiaries, prostaff and admin. I almost fell asleep at 6.30 tonight. People try talking to me and I just sort of ignore them. I'm irritable and quite honestly, I don't have the patience or 'intestinal fortitude' that it would require for me to deal with ninety percent of the crap going on in my life. So this has led to a semi-revelation. I'm eliminating all of the complicated things. I'm tired of using the excuse "it's complicated". That's a cop-out if I've ever seen one. I'm not going to be that person anymore. I'm going to be the girl who lives for the few things in her life that really matter.

"please come and stay with me / i don't what to do / if once more i lose you / it would tear me in two"

I recently went back to church for the first time in a long time. I met up with God halfway. That's all I had to do. I feel so relieved of all that was plaguing me, like all of those weights have been carried off into the distance. The things that put me ill at ease at night in bed no longer haunt me. I am free to be the person I know I can and should be, without the restraints I had to fight previously. I feel light and refreshed. There is not a better feeling in the world. And it only comes from Him.

"every little thing i do / never seems enough for you / you don't want to lose it again / but i'm not like them"

'NSync came on too. What do you know. It's my lucky day. Seriously. So many things have gone RIGHT today, that the small things that have gone wrong are superfluous. Really.

"lighting the fuse might result with a bang with a bang go"

Go fall in love. It changes your world.

As a side-note, for those of you who know the situation, I am telling the boy back home to take a hike.

only you will do.

Well. Here we go. I'm ready to do this. I'm ready to sign my life off to something I love, ready to take the fall whether I'm caught or not. And then you question my intentions and means. Well. That means a lot. Thank you. I know you're going to pull your head out of your butt but could you please speed the process so I can just put a band-aid over the hole in my heart and get over it?

"i am finally seeing that i was the one worth leaving"

I've been extremely productive the past few days. I'm actually really proud of myself for that. I completely finished the assignment for Invisible Man and read The Scarlet Letter and am currently working on the LRF for that, as well as reading Catch-22. I've become an extremely target-oriented person, to the point that I do the things I hate as soon as possible simply because I know that the faster I do them, the less time I have to think about them. It has changed my life in a fantastic way. I'm actually accomplishing things. Also, I have time for more exciting things. Like coffee with Ace in the morning. And who wouldn't love that?

"you pray your dreams will leave you here / but still you wake and know the truth / no one's there"

I feel like a new person. The butterfly shedding her cocoon. I hate that metaphor. It's so... Beyond cliche. The point is, I'm the same Danielle I've always been. I'm just doing some seriously fast-paced morphing at present. It seems that each day I'm coming a little more into my own. I'm letting go, living without fear, and dragging them all down with me. I love it. Without a doubt, I have a passion for the person I can be at my best, and a passion to alter the person I am when I'm not at my best. I've come to realize that there's something to strive for every day. There is always something to look to for inspiration, whether it's God, whether it's your muse, whether it's your ideal of life, the love of your life, preservation of your life. Always, something to see on the horizon, running and running until your legs are not your own and you question when you acquired this ethereal strength. That strength is growth. It is evolution. It is strife, pain, fear, love, death, preservation. When you hurt and you hurt and you die and then you pull through, that's your life changing. That's you, taking what's yours, not taking no for an answer, and fighting for yourself. Because in the end, we are all we have to fight for. You don't own your boyfriend. You don't own your Pomeranian liability. You don't own your job, your Chanel sunglasses, or your respectable wardrobe. They own you until you break out and define yourself apart. You spend your whole life fighting for someone else, or what you own, or who you associate with, or the words of a dead burnout, and you've wasted everything you've given yourself and been given by someone better. There are no guarantees anymore. You've lost those with your repose at the beginning of this introspect. All you have is yourself to strive for. Beat yourself up, and get through. You are the only variable that can be controlled. Fix what's wrong with you. Get over yourself. Get over your pains. Get over your vanity and your possessions and your worries and fears and priorities and get a grip. You're wasting away everything you're allowed to have by outsourcing your happiness and control.

"don't you get it don't you get it don't you get it no don't you move"

Improve yourself. It's the only thing you can count on in the end. Your clothes will fall from style, your dog will contract rabies, your boyfriend will leave you, and your PotteryBarn perfect living room will catch on fire in a horrific freak accident when you're on a business trip. What's left?

turn me off.

I will start by saying that I am so proud of you that I can't even believe it. The person you were three years ago when we started this thing together is still there. I can see him in your eyes when they laugh and I can feel him in your arms around me and hear him in your voice when you call me to tell me everything's going to be okay. And yet you're not the same you you used to be by a longshot. You've grown miles in Homer's footsteps and I could never ask for more than the warmth you radiate from a distance unimaginably cold. I miss you with every fibre of my being and yet I feel you flowing through my veins, powering my every movement. There will never be enough words, enough late night talking purges with me in the closet whispering about your falsified fears, enough eyelash wishes to show you what you mean to me, and how much I need you around just to keep me running.

"come down now they'll say / but everything looks perfect from far away / come down now but we'll stay"

With that being said, hello "home." The more I do this going back and forth business, the more I realize that this is not my home. Nor is St. Louis. Or Florida or Massachusetts or California or Nantucket. It's this feeling I know how to find but can rarely do. But I'm working on it. I'm working towards it more often and with more ease. I can't explain it, but I feel like I am charged and ready to hit the world now. Mostly because I have the ammunition I need to get through. I feel like I need to go beat something up. Not because I'm upset, but because I could, and I have something to prove but not really. Mostly not. Why? Because who the heck do I need to impress? No one. I don't care what they think anymore, whoever THEY are. THEY can go smoke a popsicle stick for all I care. Seriously. Go do it.

"i wanna be the place you call home"

Anyhow. I love everybody and they hardly love me the same way but that's just fine. When has that stopped me before? HEY. It hasn't. Whaddaya know.

use this chance to be heard.

I haven't actually blogged in quite a while, save my bit about Michael Jackson. I guess the thing is that I've actually been living life instead of staring at it on a screen. I've come to realize that Facebook is stupid, texting is practically annoying, and the only way to really understand someone is to sit down and talk with them. Seriously. I'm over this whole virtual craphole. Please and thank you. So instead I hang out with my friends and go and do things and maybe even accomplish something every once in a while.

"i'm in a crisis / i need help / come on mood shift shift back to good again / come on be a friend"

Things are going pretty well. They're evening out, above all else. I'm making progress on my summer assignments (although admittedly I REALLY need to start hauling on that crap), personal things with friends and otherwise are going pretty well, and I'm getting another escape from Parker on Tuesday. We're driving to mid-Missouri to see a bunch of family for the holiday, and Thursday I get to see my lovely Lindsay. It's amazing how I miss her already after having just spent a whole week with her. As for today, I have a whole lsit of things to get done, and I'll feel much better if I actually get something done. So I'm going to leave this mess of technological disadvancement behind and go scrub a toilet.

"batting a thousand / but a homerun crack at love"

excuse me.

Okay, this isn't your average Danielle out of the average blog. I have something I need to say, and if I don't just write it out now, I'm going to explode on the next stupid person who offends me.

I don't care what you think. There was a reason that Michael Jackson was not sent to jail for child molestation or whatever else that business was about. That reason was in no way shape or form tied to the amount of money he has or his personal connections, either, before some moron tries to use that excuse. If you think that the American justice system failed in that court case, you would be making a lot heavier accusations than you could ever realize or handle. So stop it. Michael Jackson was not a RAPIST, butthead.

Also, whether you liked his music or not, agreed with his personal life choices or not, or thought his plastic surgery was an enhancement or detractment, I don't give a flying crap. The man was an American icon. Beyond his music touching the world in a way that it had not done since the likes of Elvis and The Beatles, he is a prime example of what America actually stands for: a rich diversity in cultural and personal decisions, that we are free to make on our own, and if you can't see past that, then shame on you. No one could ever claim to understand the life he lived because not one of you grew up in the spotlight and yet were degraded for something you couldn't change--yet when he did attempt to fit in the standard of physical beauty, he was scorned. This world was not for Michael Jackson. And so while I am deeply saddened by his untimely departure and for the uncertain future of his three darling children, I am comforted to know that he is in a place designed for him.

I don't care who the hell you are or think you are, Michael Jackson was an artist and innovator. The crappy music you listen to wouldn't even be around without his legacy. So get over the fact that you're wrong about the personal attacks you've slung in a moment of retardation, and give respect where respect is due.

we drop down dead.

Things are looking up in a variety of ways. Band went real well today and I don't see any problems presenting themselves further in the season. I'm getting my hair done tomorrow and I've wanted to for SUCH a long time. Justin has things to tell me after I give him his blueoctober brownies. I'm optimistic about things now and letting go of those things that have been weighing me down lately. Summer has become a learning experience for me.

"when the stars are look the same / don't feel the cold or wind or rain / everything will be okay / and we will meet again one day / and i will shine on for everyone / shine one for everyone"

BEING HAPPY IS GOOD. Try it some time.

inspire me.

So far, these are the ideas I have for the quoted/inspired summer list Keegan and I are working on together...

1. Have a day where alllllll I do is watch movies. And eat. Possibly pee. Couch Potato - Weird Al
2. Take LOTS of model-esque photos, &
3. Jump out a window. I'm Not Okay - My Chemical Romance
4. Count ceiling tiles in a HUGE room. Or all the ones in an office building. Happiness is Overrated - Airborne Toxic Event
5. Check tire pressure, &
6. Clean oven. Everything Is Alright - Motion City Soundtrack
7. Go to a petting zoo. Still Take You Home - Arctic Monkeys
8. Use audio/aural ammunition, &
9. Do the evil Joe Strummer laugh as many times as possible in one day. This Is Radio Clash - The Clash
10. Go trick-or-treating. In July. Masquerade - Andrew Lloyd Webber
11. Recreate the First Day of My Life video by Bright Eyes.
12. Shoot a reenactment of The Shining, &
13. Build a fort in the woods. Jeremy Fraser - Franz Ferdinand
14. Make & wear sweet headdresses. Headdress - Amazing Baby
15. Learn how to hand-jive. Born to Hand Jive - Sha-Na-Na
16. Sing karaoke. Often. It's My Life - Bon Jovi
17. Go to a thrift store. Indie Rock n Roll -The Killers
18. Go to the opera. Van Tango - Franz Ferdinand
19. Play with a parachute - Faberge Falls for Shuggie - of Montreal
20. Make (and/or become) a scarecrow. Scarecrow - Beck
21. Smash up terrible cds. Kill Rock n Roll - System of a Down
22. Unravel an ugly sweat, possibly bought at aforementioned thrift shop. Undone (Sweater Song) - Weezer
23. Write a random but totally awesome song on the spot. A Song to Pass the Time - Bright Eyes
24. Learn a tribal dance. In costume. Love Lockdown - Kanye West
25. Film a war reenactment. Think Platoon. The Ghost of You - My Chemical Romance
26. Build a small city. Light on fire. Repeat. This Fire - Franz Ferdinand
27. Live in backwards slo-mo as long as possible. The Scientist - Coldplay
28. Ride LOTS of elevators. Stuck in a Glass Elevator - Myriad
29. Take pictures by the pool. Beverly Hills - Weezer
30. Go on a gas station shopping spree. Strange Things Are Afoot at the Circle K - The Victim Of
31. Stand/sit as close to random people as possible. Don't Stand So Close To Me - The Police
32. Write a polka. Angry White Boy Polka - Weird Al
33. Learn phrases in a new language that pretty much no one speaks. A New Language - Myriad
34. Learn to cook. Hedonistic Me - Born Ruffians
35. Become a neon tiger. Neon Tiger - The Killers
36. Drive a Chevy to the levee, &
37. Find some pink carnations. American Pie - Don McLean
38. Dress and do hair like an Asian greaser. Nothing to Worry About - Peter Bjorn and John
39. Act like we're straight out of Clockwork Orange (members of Alex's droog posse haha). Ulysses - Franz Ferdinand
40. Have puppets speak for us for a day. Evil - Interpol
41. Tell all my friends how much I love them. My Friends - Red Hot Chili Peppers
42. Look like Dee Snyder,
43. Rock!!!, &
44. Fight EVERYTHING. We're Not Gonna Take It - Twisted Sister
45. Catch Grease at least five times on TV. Grease - Frankie Valli
46. Take ten for EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING. Kiss Off - Violent Femmes
47. Find a positive for every negative ever. Dashboard - Modest Mouse
48. Find my reflection in the stereo. Sweet Troubled Soul - stellastarr*
49. Learn a song in another language. Tell Her Tonight - Franz Ferdinand
50. Ride a train. Wishing Well - Airborne Toxic Event
51. "I'm not lost, just wandering." Hometown Glory - Adele
52. Write our own version os popcorn since everyone else has already. Popcorn
53. Get & use dancing shoes. Dancing Shoes - Arctic Monkeys
54. Make things out of jelly. Jellybones - The Unicorns
55. Call a cab. Mr. Brightside - The Killers
56. Bury something six feet under. Self-taught Learner - Lissy Trullie
57. Go to a fleamarket. Born in a Fleamarket - stellastarr*
58. See the lights from a rooftop. Anthem of Our Dying Day - Story of the Year
59. Walk with a ghost. Walking With a Ghost - Tegan & Sara
60. Act like Bukowski. Bukowski - Modest Mouse
61. Write said song. I Will Never Write an Obligatory Song About Being on the Road and Missing Someone - Say Anything
62. Make someone's head explode from talking. If You Talk Too Much (My Head Will Explode) - People In Planes
63. Directly contradict everything everyone says for a day. That's All - Genesis
64. Be hung up to dry. Hang Me Up to Dry - Cold War Kids
65. Sit in a boggy marsh. Lump - The Presidents of the United States
66. Feed the ground. Fly Trapped in a Jar - Modest Mouse
67. Do pretty much everything in the song. Ur So Gay - Katy Perry