can't see for the brightness steerin me blind.

"what did you have in mind?"
"sunday's a good day to get someone to cover my shift and spend money on you"

I don't care if you saw my tweet about it. This made my day. Period. Because this was someone not bashing on me or telling me I'm doing something wrong or asking how many AirHeads they could buy with $1. End of story.

"well you know november has come.. it's gone away"

Today I worked snack shack with Justin and it was crazy fun. Aly was there too. But it was better with Justin cause he's just so chill and he thought there was rocky road ice cream in the freezer.

"we were spittin venom at most everyone we know / now let it drop / let it all drop"

I don't really know what to say. Mentally I'm a disaster. Really. I'm doing this whole trying to lose weight thing and it's really just a downer because I want cake and Ben & Jerry's but I won't let myself cave in this time. And my muscles hurt from working out. I'm trying so hard. But I fail at that. So we'll see.

"hold on to what you need / we've got a knack for fucked up history"

My music is just weird tonight. Personal collection, not Pandora. So it's all over the place. But I need sleep. Maybe I'll write something worth reading tomorrow? Maybe not. I want to laugh at myself for how pathetically depressed I am over a cupcake.

summer skin.

So I started my summer blog today. [wonderlandinsunshine]. Y'know. In case you were wondering or something.

"should've known, should've known, should've known again / oh here it goes again"

Nabbed tickets to go back home today. You have no idea what kind of a relief that is. There was so much uncertainty as to whether or not I was even going to get to go, but now everything is fine because my parents paid like two-hundred bucks to fly me out there. I am so going. The turtles are going to be tight(: Plus the Delmar Loop and whatever else we feel like. GOSH.

"you wasted life why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?"

I'm starting to get really excited for the future again. Why? Because you have to have a stable present to be able to focus on the future. You can't plan ahead five years when you don't know if you're going to hold it together for the next five minutes. That's just ridiculous. Things are leveling out. And you know really, things weren't even bad for that long. Like. A day? I react too quickly. That's my problem. The moment something goes slightly off-kilter, I flip, and that just isn't okay. But there are times when this reaction rate truly saves myself (and those I care for deepest) from a world or heartache. It's so double-sided. So difficult.

"what's the point in compromise? / get your dignity and leave"

I haven't written anything in so long. I haven't had inspiration. I've just felt like this fat, amorphous blob of nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's terrible. So tomorrow I'm going to pick up one of my leads and make something beautiful. Stunning. Something to mirror the person I want to be. Something to aspire to be. A model. No. A reflection. Because I'm getting there. I'm becoming the person I want to be. The culture I have created around myself is intoxicating and lovely. I want nothing else, but to tweak and perfect it. My pen reflects who I am, and nothing less. I am my masterpiece. Mes mots. My lesser density.

"love it all love it all love it all"

But the writing must wait. Tonight I must sleep to wake up in time to go to the gym tomorrow morning. =]

i suffer you because you're beautiful.

This is what happened. And this is why I'm going to fall asleep with a smile tonight.

"Can you make the effort to learn how to be first withoutbeing first? Because this chase will kill you. And that's not what I want to happen. Besides. I'm much more infatuated with your flaws, like you are to mine. You're more endearing to me being imperfect."
"Are you sure?"
"Undoubtedly. It's lame to say this, but when I modeled they always told me to try not to make a statement; instead, just be a statement."

123ilovemylife? We're getting there. So getting there. Almost there. Really. And I officially love Keegan's song. It's amazing. I wish I had written it. In fact, I think I did. So there. Ha. You lose.

"i could sleep... when i lived alone... is there a ghost in my house?"

I've had a ridiculous night. Danielleparty was pretty much an epic bust (my room is so messy, tomorrow is summer cleaning...) but I feel so much better with the events. I emailed my hero. The woman I love to death and has inspired me to be who I NEED to be. I cleaned for about two seconds, then got distracted and transferred every single contact from my phone to my little address book because I kick it old school. I ate some grapefruit though thank goodness. And I determined that salty nuts would be my protein in extreme conditions. Overall, fairly productive I would say.

"yeah she's always avoided falling in love / it's due to her life as a private affair"

I think I'll finish this some other time. I just can't right now.

oh baby yeah yeah yeah. oh yeah yeah yeah.

So class rank stuff is on the brain. I'm feelin second. Sounds like a fairly safe bet to me, actually. 4.025? Yeahh. Sounds good.

"because i have never felt like this"

I guess everything's alright. Except I feel shut out from humanity. And I actually told one of the two people who did this to me how I felt. And being the idiot they are, they didn't pick up on the fact that it was THEM. Moron... So now I'm house-bound on the first night of summer. So what am I going to do? Have a Danielleparty. A LEGIT one. A really good one. I'm serious. I'm gonna clean, I'm gonna read, I'm gonna write (blog, yesyes), I'm gonna sit here and listen to the melodramatic tones pouring forth from my dusty Dell. I don't know if I could be happier. Well. I could be. But considering, I couldn't possibly be.

"you take my hand / we cross the lawn"

So I guess I'm just going to wait around and waste more time on facebook and tweeting until it's time for this shindig to commence.

"i suffer you so easily / we, we disagree / i, i think it's good to disagree / you are always saying that we are not the same / we are not the same"

I'm so scared. Everything is changing. And I don't know how to react. More on that later.

baby get close to me.

I'm taking Keegan's advice (again, recurring theme) and just writing everything out until I truly understand what just happened. It was probably one of the best hours of my life. Why? I felt like I was at home there, moving in sync with another set of lungs, listening to that song by Tonic, and that's a concept I've been struggling with so much lately. Finding home. Finding that place to rest my bones.

"baby don't give up on me / experience comes slowly / how optimistic can you be / to wait for things you can not see?"

The other part of me is falling to pieces. Priorities are lining up less than perfectly. What I said before we left may have provoked the actions, but it was never reciprocated. "Thank you" does not count. What happened... I can't tell if I'm letting go of who I used to be, or if I am losing who I am. There's a fine line there, and dancing with the devil has never been my forte.

"So just kill me off now / Because I ain't got a pretty face / So just take my knees out / It's my only saving grace / Don't come over to me and tell me how great I was / Just come over to me and tell me how great I am"

Maybe this will work. Maybe not. Only time will tell. I hate that cliche. Time is NOT the only thing that will tell. I will tell, and you will tell, and we will find out and then we'll tell.

you'll sleep tonight.

I don't know. There's so much but at the same time there is so little. So so so little. I guess everything's really okay because I didn't fail the French final and I won in the end with that whole other situation that doesn't need to be gone into and I've still got the people I need and they aren't going anywhere. But I also feel as though any little slip is going to send EVERYTHING crashing down around me. I feel like I've hit a wall academically and I'm stuck in a rat race for second place. I am afraid that I'm going to misword one paraphrased lyric and send my entire social atmosphere into a tailspin. I could lose the best thing that I've happened upon in months. I could slip on the wrong puddle, fall the wrong way, fracture the wrong bone, and lose everything, everything, on a chance, a whim. I don't know if this is fear or foreshadowing.

"i don't care just where you go as long as it's with me / and i don't care just what you do as long as it's with me too"

I spent the longish weekend in Glennwood Springs and it pretty much burned my brains. The smell of sulfuric compounds in water doesn't sit well with me. At all. Ever. Said water also tarnished my rings. Lovely.

"a song is just a game / i'm getting good at cheating"

Keegan just helped me with multiple things.

1. Understanding how to graph these ridiculous functions, &
2. Understanding that maybe I'm not such a doof.

"sometime in the fall fall fall / there'll be nothing to keep you far from me / before i'm long long long gone / there'll be nothing to keep me away"

Okay I should really just stop writing. I should sleep and read Grace & Keegan's blog posts and obey my nudges and tweet. Not necessarily in that order.

please learn from my mistakes.

No matter what happens, I'm holding on to this. This right here. This ethereal high, consuming and devstating and miraculously beautiful.

"let the love tear us apart / i've found the cure for a broken heart"