she says she has no time.

So school has pushed me past my acceptable limits. I am so stressed that every short conversation with my family has become a snapping match. Without a thermos full of coffee Thursday morning, I literally could not function until fourth period. Black and white have faded to grey. It's a disaster. I have no time for anything. I do not sleep. I hardly eat. I am in constant physical pain from sunburn and lack of sleep and dehydration.

"love / like the summer of 69 / move / like we're alone we're alone we're alone in the sea"

But really. I'm very happy. Things are weird and they hurt a little bit and I don't understand them but it all turns out in the end.

"now we're getting on fire / matchsticks in our eyes"

People from my past keep coming back to me. I don't understand it but it's really... It's bizarre. It's like some sort of sign. I don't know. It just seems to me that I don't need to go looking far for what I need. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I've been that way a lot lately. Just don't know what I'm thinking. Here's what I have to say however. This too shall pass. Like. I hate to word things this way, but GET OVER IT. It's harsh but it's real and it's true and it wouldn't hit a nerve if it didn't mean something. I have to tell myself all the time to just shut up and get over it. Think about it. Every time something has broken your heart, shattered your dreams, or made your day just SUCK, what happened? Every time, it was countered. Maybe not directly by a particular action, no. But maybe by time. Yes. We will always be healed. This is I can guarantee. It may take more time than you think is appropriate or that you can handle. But you can do it. I have faith in you, darling. You'll pull through. Take one in the teeth and just wait. Sit down, grab Newsweek and examine the dumb far-side commentary. Please.

"i won't walk away"

Whatever you do, don't make decisions until you're in a position of at least partial healing. Please. I pray that you don't follow my indentation of pain. Don't let go. Hold on tighter. You'll regret it darling, I swear by it as I wake up every morning to the sound of the song that chokes me up and tears me apart. So be good. Soyez sage! Je vous aimez(:

back & forth.

Well here I am again. I should be doing APUSH but I'm not. Well. Whatev. Who really cares? I'll just cram it in tomorrow.

I've had a rough week. Here are the major points.

• Justin dumped me. If you didn't already know, now you do.
• Grandparents drove up from Missouri. Yayy. I love my grandparents(:
• Lot of band. Lot of homework.
• So far I've been asked out by two guys and I seriously want nothing to do with the rest of the world except for like Keegan so it's just a mess.
• I have a lot of *NSync and Backstreet Boys from Haley cause she's amazing(:

That's it. So in case you needed a checklist of my life, you now have it. I'm heartbroken and trying to repair but everyday I have rip my wound open a little more. There it is.

this is all i see.

I feel like I've neglected to blog lately mostly because I have. There's been a lot going on but at the same time, hardly anything,. I've been the happiest I've been and I've had some epic downers. I feel stability riding underfoot right before it crumbles beneath my weight. I try talking to people who don't understand only to realize that I don't understand, either. But we've been here before, have we not? Sometimes I think that I'm not meant to be understood, because if I were, there would have been some sort of inkling in that direction by now. But maybe I expect too much.

"it's just the one that i had / it's just the one for me tonight / it's just the two of us here / it's just the two of us now / and we can talk about it all"

The run-down goes something like this. I'm ridiculously stressed because of my classes (my schedule is like death), band, family problems, and the increasingly difficult nature of maintaining my relationships. I hit my breaking point Thursday night, ignored it because I absolutely had to finish my homework, passed out, and last night hit the same wall but couldn't ignore how I felt. I was a disaster. I guess I felt better after watching a movie over at Justin's, but I really just needed some sleep. My current lack of sleep has been an absolute disaster as far as I'm concerned. It's seriously not okay anymore. I'm cracking up. And no, that is not meant in a good way. There is so much stress and negative energy coming down on me and I don't really know how to handle it yet. I'm still in transfer-mode from summer and here we go, Day One, four AP classes plus the French ordeal and band. Not to mention tutors has me in the door for first period three days a week. What is going on. This is a mess. I don't even know what to do or say about it. I just want to sleep and eat. Keep myself alive. But that isn't exactly what I have the time to do at this point.

"little girl yeah / don't have to tell you it's the hardest part"

Also, because of band, I can't go to the Franz Ferdinand concert tonight. THANKS, BRANDON AND HINMAN. Just thought I'd get that out. Because I've only been looking for ward to it for like. three or four months. Ya know. No big.

"there's no way he could win / just had to take it on the chin"

I feel like I'm just kind of floundering. I don't want to tread and spit. I want to make a lap pool out of the ocean. I want to take the world by its stupid head and shake it around and tell it to behave and cut the crap. I'm still working on it. Let me get back to you on that.

uh.

Seriously. What is wrong with me? Everything's pretty much going fine and now tonight when i was supposed to hang out with Justin and things just didn't work out, I'm flipping out. It's completely ridiculous. I handled the big things this week, and I can't even keep it down from this one small thing? I don't understand myself

drivin me under.

First off, I haven't blogged in about eighteen years. Second off, things in my life have changed so drastically over the past week or whatever that this is going to be a very briefly detailed blog simply because I don't have the patience to talk about things in detail. Here we go.

"i'm hard to replace as you cry your evil eyes out"

My parents are separating. Wow. Isn't that fun. I'm just worried about my sisters. My feelings are superfluous at this point. In the two solid hours I spent talking with Justin about what happened today, the conversation was entirely centered on my sisters, and how I was going to get them through this.

"bones sinkin like stones / all that we fought for"

I'm finally stable. Seriously. I found my balance point this week. Way to go and screw things up, Mom & Dad. Really appreciate it.

"let's pretend we don't exist / let's pretend we're in antarctica"

I don't know when I'm going to finish writing something that means something. It just can't happen when things like this steal my attention.

is this the feeling i need to walk with?

Yeahh, that was Backstreet Boys, in case you were wondering. There is NOTHING wrong with boy bands from back when we were like ten. Seriously.

"i've seen this one too many times"

I haven't blogged in forever for a few reasons. Mostly I've been cooped up doing homework for APLit & APUSH. But aside from that, band has consumed my life. I can't hardly walk & my shoulders absolutely kill. I'm sunburnt beyond recognition and my nerves are shot from freshmen, underclassmen, upperclassmen, leadership, entitled beneficiaries, prostaff and admin. I almost fell asleep at 6.30 tonight. People try talking to me and I just sort of ignore them. I'm irritable and quite honestly, I don't have the patience or 'intestinal fortitude' that it would require for me to deal with ninety percent of the crap going on in my life. So this has led to a semi-revelation. I'm eliminating all of the complicated things. I'm tired of using the excuse "it's complicated". That's a cop-out if I've ever seen one. I'm not going to be that person anymore. I'm going to be the girl who lives for the few things in her life that really matter.

"please come and stay with me / i don't what to do / if once more i lose you / it would tear me in two"

I recently went back to church for the first time in a long time. I met up with God halfway. That's all I had to do. I feel so relieved of all that was plaguing me, like all of those weights have been carried off into the distance. The things that put me ill at ease at night in bed no longer haunt me. I am free to be the person I know I can and should be, without the restraints I had to fight previously. I feel light and refreshed. There is not a better feeling in the world. And it only comes from Him.

"every little thing i do / never seems enough for you / you don't want to lose it again / but i'm not like them"

'NSync came on too. What do you know. It's my lucky day. Seriously. So many things have gone RIGHT today, that the small things that have gone wrong are superfluous. Really.

"lighting the fuse might result with a bang with a bang go"

Go fall in love. It changes your world.

As a side-note, for those of you who know the situation, I am telling the boy back home to take a hike.

only you will do.

Well. Here we go. I'm ready to do this. I'm ready to sign my life off to something I love, ready to take the fall whether I'm caught or not. And then you question my intentions and means. Well. That means a lot. Thank you. I know you're going to pull your head out of your butt but could you please speed the process so I can just put a band-aid over the hole in my heart and get over it?

"i am finally seeing that i was the one worth leaving"

I've been extremely productive the past few days. I'm actually really proud of myself for that. I completely finished the assignment for Invisible Man and read The Scarlet Letter and am currently working on the LRF for that, as well as reading Catch-22. I've become an extremely target-oriented person, to the point that I do the things I hate as soon as possible simply because I know that the faster I do them, the less time I have to think about them. It has changed my life in a fantastic way. I'm actually accomplishing things. Also, I have time for more exciting things. Like coffee with Ace in the morning. And who wouldn't love that?

"you pray your dreams will leave you here / but still you wake and know the truth / no one's there"

I feel like a new person. The butterfly shedding her cocoon. I hate that metaphor. It's so... Beyond cliche. The point is, I'm the same Danielle I've always been. I'm just doing some seriously fast-paced morphing at present. It seems that each day I'm coming a little more into my own. I'm letting go, living without fear, and dragging them all down with me. I love it. Without a doubt, I have a passion for the person I can be at my best, and a passion to alter the person I am when I'm not at my best. I've come to realize that there's something to strive for every day. There is always something to look to for inspiration, whether it's God, whether it's your muse, whether it's your ideal of life, the love of your life, preservation of your life. Always, something to see on the horizon, running and running until your legs are not your own and you question when you acquired this ethereal strength. That strength is growth. It is evolution. It is strife, pain, fear, love, death, preservation. When you hurt and you hurt and you die and then you pull through, that's your life changing. That's you, taking what's yours, not taking no for an answer, and fighting for yourself. Because in the end, we are all we have to fight for. You don't own your boyfriend. You don't own your Pomeranian liability. You don't own your job, your Chanel sunglasses, or your respectable wardrobe. They own you until you break out and define yourself apart. You spend your whole life fighting for someone else, or what you own, or who you associate with, or the words of a dead burnout, and you've wasted everything you've given yourself and been given by someone better. There are no guarantees anymore. You've lost those with your repose at the beginning of this introspect. All you have is yourself to strive for. Beat yourself up, and get through. You are the only variable that can be controlled. Fix what's wrong with you. Get over yourself. Get over your pains. Get over your vanity and your possessions and your worries and fears and priorities and get a grip. You're wasting away everything you're allowed to have by outsourcing your happiness and control.

"don't you get it don't you get it don't you get it no don't you move"

Improve yourself. It's the only thing you can count on in the end. Your clothes will fall from style, your dog will contract rabies, your boyfriend will leave you, and your PotteryBarn perfect living room will catch on fire in a horrific freak accident when you're on a business trip. What's left?